


A fresh start

by laddyuna



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Depression, F/M, Forced Relationship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Post-Game(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 65,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laddyuna/pseuds/laddyuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zell decides to leave the Garden and opens a shop in Dollet…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

It was a rainy day in Balamb. People came from everywhere to the Garden for the ceremony. Most of them were close friends and family members of the victims. Instructors, seeds and cadets were wearing their uniforms and a black ribbon in sign of mourning. People were waiting for the headmaster’s speech in the ballroom. Squall and the rest of the gang were talking with some of the guests. The Major Caraway, the new president of Deling City, and Laguna Loire had been invited:  President Loire as Squall’s father and the two others as representatives from Galbadia. The mission failed on their territory, not far from Deling City. Galbadia had asked help to Balamb Garden. It should have been an easy and short mission but nothing went according to the plan.

Strange phenomena had been indicated in the tomb of the unknown king. Around ten young people disappeared there. At the beginning, Galbadia authorities thought they were lost in the labyrinth but two girls returned and explained they had been attacked by strange creatures. Deling City had requested help from Balamb Garden because the city was still in conflict with Galbadia Garden. Zell had been chosen for this mission. He had been sent with ten seeds. Most of them were new recruits and it was their first mission. But nothing went the way it was supposed to. The group had been attacked by a Kanibal and two Adephages. It was strange because this kind of creature was usually living in other places like Deep sea research Center, Island closet to Heaven or Estharian lands. Zell already fought powerful monsters in the past but the recruits weren’t prepared enough. Six of them died during the fight and the survivors had retreated, waiting for reinforcements. Squall and the others came to help them later, on the afternoon. They had collected the corpses and called the families. Three days later, a memorial ceremony had been organized.

Squall was talking with his father whereas Rinoa was arguing with the Major Caraway, as always, about Timber independence. Selphie, Irvine and Quistis were with Edea, when Squall and Laguna joined them.

“Where is Zell?” asked Squall.

“He went to the balcony, at the first floor. He wanted to be alone…” replied Quistis.

“Of course…he feels so guilty.” Added Irvine.

“We should try to comfort him.” Suggested Selphie.

“I’m gonna get him.” Said Squall before leaving. He walked in the corridors and reached the balcony. Zell was looking the horizon sadly. He was on his back and didn’t notice Squall’s presence.

“Zell?”

“Oh…Squall! Sorry, I didn’t see you…”

“The ceremony is about to start.”

He sighted. “Yes…I’m coming.”

Squall approached and fixed him with a worried look. “Wanna talk?”

“What for? It's not gonna change anything anyway…”

“Zell, it wasn’t your fault…”

The martial artist rolled his eyes. “Of course, it was my fault! They were under my commandment!  That should have never happened…”

“Nobody could guess…They knew the risks…”

“It was their first mission…”

“I know but you did everything you could.”

“It wasn’t enough…”

“Zell…”

The martial artist smiled and walked to the entrance. “Let’s go back inside.”

They returned to the ballroom and sat on the first rank. Zell was particularly uncomfortable and was looking down to avoid people stares. He felt so guilty that he couldn’t support to see people crying…he thought he was the only one who should had died this day. He commanded the group. He was the most experienced fighter. He should have been more careful…

Cid arrived at this moment and waved at everybody. He began to speak. Everyone kept silent to listen to him. Squall stared at Zell, who was sat on his left, after Quistis. He noticed his sadness in his eyes and felt useless. He didn’t know what to do to comfort him. Nobody could anyway…

_“The seeds aren’t just soldiers or mercenaries. They are our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters…our pride, our future. They fight for your protection, for your safety…but each of them knows the risks. There are not enough words to explain our pain…”_

Nobody really listened to the headmaster. The pain was huge. All the victims were from Balamb. It was a great loss for the small city, and for the Garden, since the end of the war about five years ago. Zell was a hero in the small island…but now, he had the impression people were glaring at him, with contempt and hatred. It was probably because he thought it was his fault. He couldn’t forgive himself. He remembered each minute, each second of this fateful day.

At the end of the ceremony, Zell went to talk with his mother. She tried to comfort him the best way she could, but nothing seemed to help him. Squall joined them.

“You should take a couple of days off…” suggested the brunette.

Zell sighted. “I think you’re right…”

“Yes. You can leave the Garden today if you want. Take as much time as you need.”

“Thanks.”

 

The martial artist left the Bgu at the end of the day and went back to home with his mother. He stayed there a week. He never left his home during the day, avoiding people and the families of the victims. He couldn’t face them. But at the end of the week, he decided to come back to the Garden. He had the time to think. He went directly to the headmaster’s office. Squall was with Cid when the tattooed man knocked at the door.

“Come in.”

“Good morning Sir! Oh…Squall! I didn’t know you were here…”

Squall and Cid looked at him, surprised.

“Zell? What are you doing here?” asked Squall.

“How are you? Are you ready to come back at the Garden?” demanded Cid.

Zell approached. “I thought a lot during this week…and I took an important decision.”

“Yes?”

The martial artist held to the headmaster a letter. “This is my letter of resignation.”

“What?” blinked Squall.

Cid took the letter and read it quickly. “Zell…I think you should take more time to think about it…”

“There’s nothing to think about, Sir.”

Squall went to his side. “You can’t be serious!”

“I’m serious.”

Squall stared at him, worried and disoriented. “Listen…I know you feel guilty for what happened, but it won’t change anything if you leave. We need you and…”

Zell didn’t let him finish. “I can’t work here anymore. That’s why I want to quit.”

“Zell, Squall is right. You react with your emotions, not with your mind.”

“You’re a fighter. I know it’s hard for you but…”

“Don’t you understand? I CAN’T work here anymore!” repeated Zell, exasperated. “People are talking about me. I know nobody trusts me anymore…”

“No one blames you for what happened…”

“I blame myself. You can say what you want, it was my fault. I was the commander of this mission…and I failed. I can’t work with people anymore…I lost my confidence, my passion…I won’t be useful here if I can’t fight anymore…”

“You can become an instructor…”

“This place reminds me so many painful memories…I can’t stay here anymore. I’m sorry…”

Squall looked down. He wanted to find the right words to make him change his mind…but he understood Zell was suffering here. He didn’t want to force him to stay if he didn’t want to.

“What are you gonna do now?” asked Squall.

“Dunno…I’m gonna leave Balamb. I need to find a job…”

Cid sighted. “If that’s what you want, I don’t think we can hold you captive here…”

“Thanks for understanding.”

 

* * *

One month later, Zell left the Garden. He stayed few days at home with his mom, in Balamb, but it was hard for him to be near of the Bgu. Plus, he knew that some of the families of the victims lived in his city. He didn’t have the courage to face them. His ma tried to convince him to stay, looking for a job but he needed to leave, to be far away from here. He couldn’t escape from his guilt but maybe he would feel better to be in another place. That was what he thought when he took the train for Dollet.

After several hours, the train arrived at the station. Zell was exhausted. It was already late in the afternoon. He walked toward the city and stopped a moment to observe the ocean. The sunset above the sea was a beautiful view. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply the sea air. He put his bag on his back and continued his road. He reached quickly the hotel.

“Good afternoon Sir.”

“Hi. I need a single room please.”

“Sure. How long have you planned to stay here?”

“Dunno…one week to begin.”

“All right, Sir. Room 458, second floor, on the left. Would you like a breakfast for tomorrow morning?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Enjoy your stay and welcome to Dollet, Sir.”

Zell smiled and took his key. He entered in his room and stretched out on his bed heavily. He fixed his watch and put it on his pillow. He closed his eyes and began to fall asleep. He would look for a job tomorrow. 

 

Zell woke early in the morning. After a shower, he took his breakfast and left his hotel. He was looking for an apartment. He didn’t need a large place since he was alone and single. After the war, he never took the time to think about his love life. He focused only on his job.

The library girl was disappointed that Zell never paid enough attention to her and didn’t make the first move. She finally fell for Nida. They were still together. Rinoa and Squall broke up, few months later after Ultimecia’s death, but Rinoa stayed at the Garden. Irvine was still with Selphie. Things weren’t going very well between them, because Irvine was a seducer as always, and Selphie never stopped moving everywhere. They broke up often but always returned in each other arms. Rinoa helped them a lot. Squall was with Quistis now. He finally understood her feelings and he felt better with her. Rinoa tried to change him and she did, but it was never enough for her. Quistis knew him and accepted him like he was.

It was already four years that the war ended. Things went back to normal. Esthar and Galbadia were still in conflict, but not at the point it used to be when Seifer controlled Galbadia army. With the death of Vinzer Deling, Galbadia decided to let the Major Caraway take his functions and his place again. Laguna was still the president of Esthar. His relation with Squall was a bit complicated but they were trying to improve it slowly.

Zell was walking in the streets when he arrived in front of the shop, the Nautilus. He saw a notice “for sale”. He entered. A woman was behind her desk and worked on her computer. She noticed Zell and welcomed him with a smile.

“Hello Sir. Can I help you?”

“Hello. Are you the owner?”

“Yes. What can I do for you?”

“Hum…I see you’re selling the shop.”

“Yes. My husband and I divorced and so we can’t work together anymore. Are you interested?”

“Maybe…I’m looking for a job but it could be nice to have my own shop.”

“Let’s talk about it.”

Zell stayed all the morning with her. She tried to convince him to buy it. The owners didn’t have any serious offer since three months and they began to desperate. The day progressed and Zell was more and more convinced that it was a good thing. He had some economies and he could work alone, without any boss on his back. It was a good opportunity. He took a time of reflexion, during a week and finally agreed. On the same time, he found a small loft, on the third floor of a building, near of the port, with a wonderful sea view. He had a large living room with an open kitchen and a small bedroom. It was enough for him. The rent wasn’t expensive.

 

One month later, Zell bought the shop. It was his first day. The owners left him the items they didn’t sell. He was enthusiast. After had cleaned the place, he opened the shop at eight. During the low season, there wasn’t a lot of tourist but since Galbadia Garden was near of the city, the martial artist hoped he could have some customers. He waited all the day long, but nobody came. He thought it was because people didn’t know the shop had a new owner and they needed more time. But Zell didn’t see any customer two weeks later. He started to worry because he lost money every day.

 

* * *

Squall was in his bedroom, reading a magazine, lying on his bed when Quistis entered, exhausted.

“Hi, honey.”

“Hi.” Squall looked at her and raised his head to kiss her. “You seemed to be tired…”

“Yes. I prepared Seed exam with Xu all the day and I just finished my meeting with the headmaster…” She sat and took off her boots. “What about you?”

“Nothing special…I called Zell this afternoon.”

“Oh…How is he? You seem to be worried…”

“Yes…his business is going bad. He didn’t have customers in three weeks.”

“Really? But I remember the Nautilus was a nice place…”

“I thought it too, but customers are especially students and they prefer to go to Timber or Deling City. Dollet is far of Galbadia Garden compared to the other cities…”

“He should have never left Balamb. He could have found a job there…”

“You know how he is. It was too hard for him to stay here. “

She sighted. “He feels so guilty. I wish I could help him…”

“Me too…but there’s nothing we can do. I’ve tried to convince him but he didn’t listen. I regret…”

“Regret what?”

“To never have taken the time to talk with him before. Maybe if I gave him more attention, nothing would have happened…”

“Squall…nobody could guess what would happened during this mission. He was good enough for this kind of situation…”

“But we should have accompanied him. I mean…his team wasn’t experienced enough…”

“It’s not like we can go back in the past. What is done is done.”

“I know…”

She caressed Squall’s hair with her soft hand. “I’m worried for him too, you know? Everybody is, but it was his choice to leave and you have to accept it.”

“Yes…but I miss him.”

“Me too honey…”

Squall took Quistis in his arms. “He was so enthusiast to open his shop. I was glad to see him so happy, but now, I don’t know what to do. I call him every day and I feel his disappointment in his voice growing a little more each time…”

“Squall…”

“It’s as if I abandoned him...”

“You didn’t.”

“But I couldn’t convince him to stay. I should have tried harder.”

“Don’t blame yourself, please.”

“I hope things would change for him. We should visit him, don’t you think?”

“Yes but we’re leaving tomorrow for Esthar. We’ll go to Dollet when we’ll be back.”

“Sure.”

She got up. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Can I join you?”

Quistis smiled with malice. “How could I refuse this offer?”

 

* * *

One month later.

Zell was bored and was reading the newspaper when I heard someone entering in the shop. He got up and raised his head to look at the customer.

“Welcome. Can I help you?”

The customer didn’t answer. Zell was still on his back when he turned around, wondering why the person didn’t reply. When his eyes met his, he blinked in shock. He understood why the other man didn’t say a word…

“What are you doing here?”

“I…could ask you the same. What about you?”

“I asked you first.”

Zell smiled “Childish…as always, don’t you, Almasy?”

Seifer laughed. “You can talk for yourself, Chicken!”

Zell burst in rage. “Don’t call me like that!”

“Touchy as always…”

“Shut up! What do you want anyway?”

“Buying a potion.”

Zell frowed and calmed down. “Sure…what kind of potion do you want?”

“A simple one…please.”

Zell never expected to meet the ex-knight here, alone, without Raijin and Fujin. The last time he saw him, he was with his posse, fishing in Balamb.

“Are you the shop owner now?”

“Yes.”

“So… you left the Garden?” asked Seifer.

“Yeah…I live here now. What about you? Where are Raijin and Fujin?”

Seifer smirked. “Are you planning to write my biography or something?”

“Why should I do this?”

“So, why do you ask?”

Zell rolled his eyes. “I was trying to be polite. Nothing more. 110 gils, please.”

Seifer made a pause and searched in his pocket the money.” Hum…Does it cost 100 gils usually?”

“Yes, but I increased the prices a little. What’s wrong?”

The tall blond was counting his gils and felt embarrassed. “Forget it…” He began to leave when Zell called him.

“Wait! What’s wrong? Don’t you have enough money?”

“I told you to forget it…”

“How much do you have?” insisted Zell.

Seifer stopped, just in front of the door and turned around. “100 gils.”

“It’s okay. Come here.”

But Seifer became angry. “I don’t need your charity!”

“It’s not charity, moron! I need money, okay? You’re my first customer since I opened the shop…so take your potion and give me the gils you have.”

Seifer hesitated and finally agreed. He went closer again and paid his item.

“Thanks. I’m gonna restore the initial prices, anyway.”

Seifer took his potion and left the shop without saying anything. Zell glared at him and sat heavily on his chair. It was a strange situation, for sure. He hadn’t seen Seifer since three years. He never wondered what he became. He was a bit surprised that he was alone. Raijin and Fujin used to follow him everywhere, when they were at the Garden. Even during the war, they never left his side, until they gave up on him when they met again in Lunatic Pandora. But after the war, the posse had been restored, even if they never came back to the Bgu.

 

Three days later, Zell had other customers, but not a lot. Just some cadets from Galbadia Garden who were in Dollet for their holidays. They just bought some potions and phoenix down. He was bored all the day when Seifer came back to the shop, at the end of the afternoon. He had a large bag with him.

“Hi.”

Zell fixed him with surprise. “Hi. Do you need something?”

“Yes.” He put his bag on the counter. “I’ve some rare items to sell.”

“Show me.”

He opened his bag and let Zell look at. The martial artist examined the items. There were two adamantine, one whisper, four steel orbs and three elixirs.

“ Whoa…how did you get that?”

“I fought several adamantoise and wendigo.  Are you interested?”

Zell looked down. “Yes, but…”

“But what?” demanded Seifer.

“I’d like to buy it but I don’t have enough money. You have good items but I can’t give you the price it costs…”

Seifer frowned, thinking. “How much do you have?”

“Four hundred gils…”

“Oh…you still don’t have customers?”

“Not a lot. They prefer to go to Timber or Deling City.”

“I see…”

Zell sighted. “You should try to sell it at Timber. They’ll pay well for this.”

Seifer crossed his arms, still thinking. “Maybe we can have a deal?”

The martial artist frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Take it, and if you can sell it, you give me half of what you got. Sounds good?”

“Hum…I’m a bit surprised. You could have your money faster if you go to Timber.”

“It’s okay. I prefer to deal with you. I trust you.”

“Well…thanks.”

“Fine. I’ll come back later. See you.”

“Wait Seifer!”

“What?”

“Give me your phone number. I’ll call you when I’ll have your money.”

Seifer faced him, keeping silent. He seemed to be uncomfortable but he tried to fake he was okay.

“You don’t need it. I’ll come back.”

He left without letting the time to Zell to respond. It was a strange situation for the two men. They used to be rivals and enemies, it wasn’t usual to see them being so polite. Zell was really puzzled by Seifer’s attitude. He could have gone to Timber to sell his items but he said he trusted him…Plus he came alone again. Where were Raijin and Fujin? He decided to let it go. After all, it wasn’t his business.  It was just surprising and even if the martial artist was a bit curious, he didn’t really care, Seifer neither.

 

* * *

One week later, Zell had sold his items. He was relieved because people started to know his shop and came buying. He made some improvements on swords, which provided him more money. Things began to go better; it was a good thing for him. He didn’t see Seifer in the whole week. He thought he could meet him in the streets in Dollet, but nothing happened. He didn’t know his address or his phone number. Maybe he didn’t live in Dollet? But at the end of the week, the tall blond finally came to the shop again. It was at the end of the afternoon.

“Hi.” Said Seifer with his usual cold tone. He had a big bag with him.

“Hello…I expected your visit sooner. Where were you?”

“Not your business. Did you sell my items?”

Zell rolled his eyes, annoyed. “Can’t you be nice for once? I could have given your money sooner if only you gave me your phone number or your address, Dumbass!” He opened his cash register and held him his gils. “Here”

Seifer put his bag on the counter and started to count his gils. When he finished, he looked at him. “Thanks. I have other items if you wanna take a look…”

“Sure.”

Zell opened the bag and searched inside. There were more items than the last time: Star Fragments, Moon Stones, spider web, M-stone pieces, energy crystals, dino bones, malboro tentacles…

“Nice…you’re pretty lucky. I never found this kind of items when I’m fighting monsters.”

Seifer smirked. “I’m just better than you. You can’t help it.”

“Don’t you ever shut up?”

Seifer stopped laughing and became serious again. “So? Same deal? You sell it and we go 50-50?”

“Fine…”

“See you in a week Chicken!” Seifer started to leave when Zell yelled at him.

“How many times should I tell you to stop calling me like that, moron?”

“Did I ever listen to you once?”

“You never listened to anybody anyway…and look where that got you.”

Seifer stopped and glared at him with hatred, but deep in his heart, he knew Zell was right. He was stubborn, that was why he never passed seed exam…and he lost the war. He never had known when to stop, when he was wrong or he never wanted to admit it. He was too proud for this. But it was different now. He was alone and hated. No army to command, no friends or posse by his side…no one to scare. Nobody was afraid of him anymore. On the opposite, he was the one who ran away all the time because people wanted to take revenge…

“Sorry…I shouldn’t have said that.” Apologized Zell.

Seifer sighted. “No, I guess, you’re right this time…then, see you.” He turned his back and was about to leave when Zell called him.

“Wait!”

The tall blond became exasperated .“What’s wrong again?”

Zell approached. “Hum…I’m gonna close the shop now, so…wanna share a pizza and some beers with me?”

Seifer frowned. “What?”

“I’m bored. I don’t wanna stay alone tonight…since you’re here, we can watch a movie at my home or something.”

“Whoa…you’re pretty desperate! Inviting me at your home…I thought you hated me?” laughed Seifer.

“Are you coming or not?” asked Zell irritated.

After a short time of hesitation, Seifer agreed. “Why not…I planned nothing tonight anyway.”

“Good. Let me close the shop first and we can go.”

“Where do you live?”

“Near of the port.”

The martial artist locked the door and began to walk with Seifer in the streets, keeping silent. They arrived in front of Zuma beach and looked children who were playing on the sand. Seifer stopped and fixed the horizon sadly.

“Something’s wrong?” asked Zell.

“No…this place just reminds me Seed exam…” he said with melancholy.

Zell moved closer. “Long time ago…”

“Yes…”

“Do you think…things would have been different if you had followed the orders this day?” he asked nervously.

“You mean, if I didn’t fail again and if I had become a seed?”

“Yes…”

“Dunno…I don’t think so. I would have done the same things. Cid would have sent me to Timber and I probably would have taken in hostage the president…”

“I see…”

“What is done is done. Let’s go.” Concluded Seifer.

They continued their walk and reached Zell’s house few minutes later. There weren’t a lot of people in the streets. It was a cold and frosty afternoon and night began to fall.

“Pretty nice…” commented Seifer.

“Thanks. Make yourself at home.” Zell threw his jacket on the sofa. “You want a beer?”

“Yes.”

Seifer walked toward the window and went on the balcony to enjoy the view. Zell joined him and held him a bottle of beer. Seifer thanked him and they drank in silence, before returning inside. Zell went to the kitchen and put a pizza in the oven.

“So…why did you leave the Garden?” asked Seifer.

Zell blushed with embarrassment. “I thought you didn’t care?”

“Just curious…”

The martial artist didn’t reply. He drank his beer, looking at the floor, uncomfortable. “What about you? Where are Fujin and Raijin?”

Seifer’s expression changed. “Gone.”

“Gone?”

“Yes. Raijin met a girl in Fisherman’s horizon and he stayed there with her. Fujin started to be bored and I told her to go to Galbadia Garden. She passed Seed exam and she’s an instructor now…”

“They accepted her?”

 “Of course. She’s a good fighter. Plus, she tried with Raijin to stop me, so there was no charge against them.”

“I see. Are you still in contact?”

“No. I didn’t see them since three years. It’s better this way. I’m happy for them. I owe them a lot, so I didn’t want to be a burden anymore for them.”

“So…where have you been during all this time?”

“I went to Winhill, Horizon…and I stayed around Dollet.”

“Where do you live?”

Seifer became annoyed. “Why do you ask?”

“I thought you were living here. I wanted to give you the gils I owed you but I didn’t have your address. I even went to the hotel but they told me you weren’t there…”

“Hum…”

“So?”

Seifer moved away and sat on the sofa. “I’m homeless…”

Zell followed him in the living room. “Since…when?”

The tall blond sighted. “Since the day I spent all the gils I had in hotel and food…about two years ago.”

“You never found a job?”

“No…it’s a small town and I’m a soldier. I mean…I was a soldier. It's all what I could do. I have no other skills.”

Zell sat on his left and fixed him. “How did you survive without money?”

“I sold what I found, but I didn’t make enough money to stay at the hotel or to rent a room. Since the end of the war, prices increased. I just had enough to buy something to eat because the former owners didn’t want to buy my items all the time. They didn’t have enough customers and they finally closed the shop…”

“And?”

Seifer rolled his eyes. “And I met you, silly!”

“Oh…”

Seifer finished his beer and stared at the tattooed man with a smile. “Chicken?”

“Stop with your stupid insults!”

“The pizza starts to burn…”

“Oh shit!” Zell got up and ran toward the oven. “I completely forgot it!”

“Dumbass…”

“Shut up and get your ass over here!”

Seifer joined him in the kitchen and they set the table. Zell opened his fridge and took some vegetables and cold meats. They began to eat in silence, avoiding eye-contact. The martial artist thought about what Seifer said and he realized he really changed. Behind his classic smirk, Zell knew he suffered. He probably missed his friends and his life hadn’t been easy without home and job.

After the dinner, they returned in the living room and looked at the tv, still without saying a single word. Zell broke the silence.

“So…where do you sleep if you’re homeless?”

Seifer scratched his hair. “I found a small cavern behind the forest near of the train station. I’m protected from monsters and wind during the night, there.”

“I see…”

Seifer tapped his shoulder. “Stop it.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t need your pity, Dincht!”

“I don’t pity you…”

“Fucking liar…”

“I’m not lying!”

“Then, why do you look at me like that? I didn’t tell you this because I expected your charity or something.”

“I know…I’m just surprised you were so honest with me…I mean, I know you hate me so I never thought you could tell me this…”

Seifer calmed down. “I never hated you...”

“Ah…it’s hard to notice!” Zell laughed. The tall blond smiled and laughed too.

“I was just teasing you…”

“You’re still teasing me!”

“I know but I can’t help it. I love to see you angry!”

“I wonder why…”

“Dunno…it’s fun.”

“Happy to see you’re enjoying yourself!”

They made a pause, still laughing, when Seifer became serious again. “You didn’t answer me earlier…”

“About what?”

“About the reason it made you left the Garden…”

Zell crossed his arms against his chest to hold himself. It was hard for him to talk about this but Seifer said him embarrassing things about his life and he knew he cost him a lot to admit he was alone and homeless.

“About few months ago, Garden sent me in mission at the tomb of the unknown king. A lot of people disappeared there. At the beginning, Galbadia thought they were lost in the labyrinth but they said they saw strange and powerful creatures…Cid and Squall sent me there with ten seeds, and things didn’t go well…”

“What happened?”

“We’ve been attacked by monsters…and six members of my team died this day.” Zell made a pause, restraining to not cry. “For the most of them, it was their first real mission. They were new recruits…and I was in charge of them…”

“You felt guilty?”

“Yes…it was my fault if they died. I should have been more careful…”

“There are risks in mission and every seed knows it.”

“Definitely…but it doesn’t mean I’m not responsible of this massacre…”

Seifer kept silent. He understood what Zell could feel because he had been at his place. He knew nothing could change what he was thinking about himself.

“You know…I saw their family members during the farewell ceremony. Nobody told me anything but I noticed the way they looked at me…I can’t blame them, but it was too hard to handle…”

“That’s why you left?”

“Yes…I couldn’t face them…most of them live in Balamb and…after that, I lost confidence in myself. I was scared to fight again in a team…I just couldn’t stay.”

“Nobody tried to convince you to stay?”

“They tried…but I didn’t listen.”

“Hum…” Seifer frowned and crossed his arms.

Zell got up to take a beer in the fridge. He didn’t understand why he said that to him. It wasn’t like they were friends but he probably needed to talk. Seifer followed him in the kitchen.

“Blaming yourself won’t change anything.”

The martial artist opened his bottle and proposed another one to Seifer who refused it. “I know…but I couldn’t stay there after that.”

“You thought running away was the better thing to do?”

Zell became furious. “Fuck you, asshole! You can keep your fucking comments for yourself!”

“Do you think I say you this to make fun of you?”

“Don’t tell me it’s not the case, because I won’t believe you!”

“You’re wrong. I’m probably the one who understand you the most…I was in your place, remember?” said Seifer with as sad expression. “Maybe I’ll have a beer after all…”

Zell gave him the bottle. Seifer took it and continued to talk.

“I commanded Galbadia army…you know what I did with them and…with that bitch. How many people died because of me?” asked Seifer looking down. He raised his head and fixed Zell in the eyes. “I wasn’t a monster at the beginning, Zell…Contrary to what you may think, I never wanted to destroy Trabia Garden or to fight the Bgu…I followed the orders, like you…I was just on the wrong side.”

Zell stayed silent, listening carefully.

“I was a soldier, not a monster…but in the end, I became exactly what I never wanted to be: a lapdog…and a fucking failure. I thought I was writing my own destiny…but I just did what they said, without thinking…”

“But…why did you follow her at Timber?”

“I recognized Matron immediately. She was like a mother to me and…I thought if she did that, it was for a good reason and that you were wrong. I wanted to protect her from you. I didn’t see the sorceress, but only Matron at the beginning…and after you defeated me in Galbadia Garden, I don’t know why I followed her. It was as if I couldn’t refuse…I can’t explain...”

The tattooed man fixed him intensely. For the first time, he was listening to things Seifer said, and saw the war with his point of view. He wondered what he would had done if he had been in his place.

“I don’t tell you this to defend myself or something. You probably don’t give a shit anyway…but if I can be useful for once, it’s better that nothing. So, stop blaming yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. If you don’t wanna become like me, then, stop crying and looking back!”

He finished his beer and began to move toward the door. “I’m leaving. Thanks for the food and the beers.”

Zell grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”

“At the hotel. I can pay a room for tonight with the money you gave me.”

“You don’t have to. You can stay here…”

Seifer pushed him away, releasing from Zell’s grip. “I don’t need your fucking charity!”

But Zell didn’t let him go and enrolled his arms around his waist. “Stay!” whispered the martial artist against Seifer’s back.

The tall blond blinked and didn’t move. He blushed because of Zell’s familiarity. He wasn’t upset, just a bit disoriented. “What?”

Zell kept silent and finally answered: “You made me feel better…and you helped me a lot with the shop. I was thinking to sell it because I didn’t have any customers but now, things changed and it’s thanks to you.”

“I did it for myself in the first place, you know? I needed money.”

“But you could have gone to Timber…”

“I’m not welcome there…I’m welcome nowhere anyway…”

Zell didn’t release him. He wondered why the ex-knight didn’t already punch him or push him away, but he understood he probably missed human contact since he lived alone.

“But you helped me…and after what you said to me, I feel better and stronger. So please, don’t leave.”

Seifer sighted. “All right, all right…release me now.”

Zell nodded and walked away. “Follow me, I’ll show you the bathroom. I’m gonna prepare your bath…”

“You don’t need to. I’m just gonna take a shower…”

“No way! You stink!”

“Fuck you Chicken!”

“I told you to stop with that!!!”

Seifer laughed and stroked Zell’s hair roughly. “It’s your fault this time! You started!”

Zell groaned and entered in the small room. He turned on the tap, letting pull the hot water before leaving. “I’m gonna bring you some towels.”

“Yeah…” Seifer started to undress, letting his trench coat fall on the floor. He unbuttoned his shirt and his pants, staying just with his boxer when Zell came back. He didn’t hear him. Zell was looking the tall blond, on his back, enjoying the view of his body. He looked at the blond from head to toe, fixing his ass with lust. The ex-knight stripped completely, taking off his boxer. He was entirely naked when he finally noticed his presence and turned around.

“You like what you see?” he demanded, smirking.

Zell blushed and became red. “Fuck you…”

Seifer turned off the tap and entered in the bath. “Thanks for the towels.”

The martial artist grabbed his dirty clothes.

“What are you doing with my clothes?” asked Seifer.

“I’m gonna wash it.”

“No way! I’ve nothing else to wear…”

“I can give you some of my clothes.”

Seifer laughed. “Your clothes? You’re too short for me!”

“Then, you’ll stay naked until your clothes dry!” he slammed the door behind him without letting the time to the other blond to respond.

Seifer relaxed in his bath and closed his eyes. There was a long time since he didn’t feel so good. Plus, he began to enjoy Zell’s company, probably because he was lonely. He took his time and finished to wash himself. He went out of the bath and grabbed the towels. He enrolled once around his waist and stroked his hair with the other one. He left the room after had cleaned the place and joined Zell who was looking for some clothes. The martial artist turned around and held him a black shirt, a blue boxer and a large baggy.

“I’m sure the shirt and the boxer will suit you but I don’t know for the baggy…”

“Thanks.”

He left the room. “You can dress here, I’m gonna take a shower.”

Seifer took off the towel and started to put the clothes on. Zell was right. The shirt and the boxer suited him. He was surprised to see that the baggy too, because Zell was shorter than him. In fact, the shirt was a bit short for him and stopped above his belly button but it wasn’t important. It was true that his clothes needed to be washed…

On the same time, Zell was taking his shower. He was thinking about Seifer’s body and he realized he became hard. He was really embarrassed because he never looked at him like that before. It was the first time he felt something like this for anyone. He knew it was just lust…but he couldn’t contain himself anymore and began to rub his hard cock with his hand.

 _“Damn! What am I doing? Okay…I’m just lonely. It’s not because it’s him. I should have done this even with Squall or Selphie…it’s just because he’s here…it could have been anyone else!”_ said Zell to himself, trying to convince him.

 _“What a liar! I saw Squall naked in the shower more than once and I never thought about him like this! Same for anyone else! What’s wrong with me? It’s Seifer!! Dammit!!!”_ he thought, exasperated. _“It’s just the loneliness…I was focused on my business recently and now things are going well, I just have some needs…nothing else…but he’s fucking hot!! Hyne…he’s probably wearing my clothes right now…I need to calm down…”_

Zell rubbed his cock harder until he reached the orgasm and came. He breathed slowly and tried to erase pictures of Seifer’s naked body of his mind. He left the bathroom and went to his bedroom. Seifer was lying on his bed, sleeping soflty. Zell took some of his clothes and dressed quickly. He approached and observed the tall blond asleep. He smiled, looking at him. He didn’t want to wake him. He moved and took another blanket in the cupboard and covered him with it before joined him on the bed.

“ Goodnight Seif…” he whispered. He turned his back and closed his eyes when he felt Seifer’s arm round his waist.

“ ‘Night Zell…” replied softly. He pressed his body against Zell’s back and kissed his cheek gently. “Thanks for letting me stay…”

Zell blushed and started to feel hot. “You’re welcome…”

He could feel Seifer’s breath on his neck. He was really embarrassed but on the same time, he felt comfortable in his arms. It was a strange feeling because he saw him in another way after the discussion they have had. 

 

* * *

The next morning, when Zell woke up, Seifer already left. The bed was cold and empty without him. The martial artist got up and went to the living room. The clothes he gave to him yesterday were on the sofa, folded. The martial artist smiled and went to the bathroom to take a shower before leaving to open the shop.

The Nautilus began to become famous and people from every Garden came there. Zell’s shop was the only one to propose the items required to make improvements on the weapons. It was particularly complicated because some the items were rare and hard to find, so it was a good thing for most of the students and seeds that Zell proposed it. His business and his reputation grew up every day and he enjoyed his work…and it was all thanks to Seifer. If the tall blond hadn’t given what he found, he would had never been able to keep his shop open. He owed him a lot…and it was a mutual feeling. Seifer hadn’t slept in a bed since a long time ago. He felt also lonely…

At the end of the day, the ex-knight visited Zell at his shop. He had other items with him, in his bag.

“Hello, Chickie!”

Zell rolled his eyes, pissed. “Moron!”

Seifer laughed. “What a sensitive boy, you are!”

“I prefer when you’re sweet. Where’s the gentleman of yesterday?” replied Zell, smirking.

Seifer blushed and seemed to be uncomfortable. He avoided eye-contact and hid his embarrassment with his classic and arrogant attitude. “Don’t start imagining things…I talk often in my sleep…”

“Hum…”

“What?” Seifer glared at him, annoyed.

“Nothing!” replied Zell with a false innocent smile. “So? What did you bring me today?”

“Venom fangs, star fragments, steel pipes…I fought some anacondaur and wendigo today.”

“Great!” Zell opened his cash register, holding the money he owed him. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Seifer took his empty bag. “I’ve got other items but I couldn’t carry it alone. If you’re not busy, you can come with me. I let it in the cavern where I was sleeping.”

“Sure. Is it far? We can rent a car if you want.”

“No, it’s okay…but if you want to take all of the items with you tonight, it would be better.”

“Oh…” Zell moved to lock the door. “How many items do you have?”

“Dunno…a huge collection.”

“Fine. Then, let’s go.”

They walked together in the streets, talking and laughing. The few days they shared gave the opportunity to get close to each other. They rented a car and left the city. Seifer showed him the way to reach the cavern. The tall blond was looking through the window, thinking.

“Are you still in contact with the others at the Garden?” He asked without looking the martial artist.

“Yes. Squall called me often to take some news.”

“Hum…”

“You know…He broke with Rinoa few months later after the war. He’s with Quistis now.”

“With Trepe? Are you kidding me?”

“No, I swear. They’re thinking about getting married…why are you so surprised?”

He laughed and smiled. “I’m not surprised by Quistis. I knew she was in love with Squall…She was really obvious when she was instructor, even before when we were just kids. She couldn't take her eyes off him. It’s just surprising for Squall. I mean…I knew he wouldn’t support Rinoa, but I never had imagined he could fall for Quistis.”

“How did you know he wouldn’t support Rinoa?”

“Come on, Dincht! She’s nice but she’s super annoying! She’s selfish and tries all the time to change people. She probably thinks that she’s so fucking perfect! How many times did you have to save her ass during the war, guys?”

“It wasn’t her fault…”

“I know, I know…it’s mine!” smirked Seifer.

“I never said that!”

“You thought it so hard that I even could read it on your lips!” He touched the window with his fingers. The rain began to fall. “I already know what you think; you don’t need to tell me…”

“I don’t blame you. You’re doing it enough yourself…but you should turn the page, it’s over now.”

Seifer let his face falling against the window. “I would never have thought that my life would be so pitiful…”

Zell looked at him with the corner of the eye. He could feel his pain and his sadness in his words. A part of him understood perfectly what he was feeling because it was the same for him. He felt so useless and weak after his last mission that he couldn’t forgive himself for what happened.

“I understand what you’re feeling…I think the same about myself when I recall my last mission…”

Seifer fixed him briefly and showed him the direction.” It’s here.”

They arrived in front of a small cavern. They went inside. The place was dark and cold. The tattooed man felt sorry to know that Seifer used to sleep there…alone, in the cold. He suddenly hit something with his foot.

“Ouch!”

“Watch out, Chicken!”

“How could I? We can’t see anything here. Cast a fire spell.”

“I’m not junctionned, I can’t use magic…but maybe I can do something.” He used his limit break and threw a fire ball on the floor. With the light, Zell could see all the items that Seifer kept.

“Amazing! How can you have so many items?”

“I told you I kept it to sell it, but the former owners didn’t have enough money to buy it. I didn’t want to waste it.”

“Didn’t you propose them the same deal you offer me?”

“You’re so naïve…”

“What?”

“They knew who I was and they didn’t really want to have business with the former sorceress’ knight!”

“What did they say to you?”

“Nothing. They were too afraid to dare saying anything, but I could see the fear and the hatred in their eyes…”

“You used to like to be feared at the Garden...”

“I liked to be respected…and it wasn’t the same fear. At the Garden, people were scared that I kicked their ass, but now…they are afraid that I could kill them. They think I’m a fucking psychopath or something like that…I can’t really blame them for that.”

They began to pick the items and put it in the car. It was good thing that they rented a car because they wouldn’t have managed to carry everything. They took the road again to return into Dollet. Seifer was still kind of depressed, tracing lines with his finger on the window.

“So, what would you like to be happy?” asked Zell.

“Huh?”

“What would make you happy?” repeated the martial artist. “What kind of life would you like?”

Seifer sighted. “I don’t know…I used to love fighting, but after the war, it didn’t mean anything anymore. It’s not like I could do anything else, but I’m tired…I’ve enough.”

Zell was worried. He never had seen the tall blond so miserable. He fixed him concerned. Seifer noticed and smiled sadly.

“Don’t look at me like that, Dincht! I’m not suicidal…I just answered to your question.”

“I never thought you could be so honest…especially with me!”

“I told you I never hated you! Anyway, it doesn’t change anything to pretend anymore. You can laugh if you want. You can take your revenge for all these years that I passed to make fun of you, Dincht! Go ahead! The great Seifer Almasy is a pitiful failure!” said the blond with irony.

“I don’t want to laugh, Seifer. It’s not funny…”

“You should. People in your place would be glad to humiliate me.” Smirked the blond.

“I don’t.”

They arrived in the city and reached the shop to depose the items. When they finished, Zell proposed to Seifer to eat with him. The tall blond agreed and followed him to his house. It was already late in the night and they were hungry. They prepared some vegetables and pasta before eating, quietly. Seifer broke the silence.

“What about the others at the Garden?”

“Hum…Selphie and Irvine are going out, but they argue often. Rinoa helps them a lot, you know?”

“I’ve no doubt about her. She always needs to feel useful…what about you? I thought you were with the brunette in the library…you know, the one with the pony tail…”

“Oh, I see. No…she was fed up to wait for me, so she went to Nida.”

“Nida?”

“The pilot of the Bgu.”

“I don’t know him…didn’t you like her?”

“You know…I never considered the “love things” before. I wasn’t interested either.”

“What about now?”

“Dunno…yes, I’m lonely, but it’s not a big deal. What about you?”

“What?”

“You know, about girls?”

“Nothing…since the war…”

“You mean, since Rinoa?”

“Not just Rinoa…”

“I don’t understand…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You were the one who brought the subject.”

Seifer looked down and felt suddenly disgusted. He got up abruptly. “Sorry…”

He suddenly ran toward the bathroom. Zell stood up and followed him worried. “Seifer?”

The tall blond fell on his knees and began to puke violently, on the toilets. Zell approached and rubbed his back.

“Hey, man! Are you okay?”

After several minutes, Seifer wiped his lips with his hand and got up to rinse his mouth. He breathed heavily.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry if my cook made you sick…”

“It wasn’t your cook…”

He came closer. “Seifer, what’s wrong?”

But the tall blond moved away and left the bathroom. He grabbed his coat on the sofa. “Thanks for the dinner…I’m leaving.”

“Seifer! Wait!”

But he slammed the door behind him and ran quickly. Zell tried to catch him but he changed his mind. He understood that Seifer was feeling bad and he needed to be alone for a while. He returned inside but didn’t finish his food.

 

Seifer arrived at the hotel and took a single room. He went directly in the shower and began to wash himself with insistence. He felt disgusted. He couldn’t resist to vomit again…he sat in the middle of the shower, back against the wall panel. The water was pouring on his body during a long time. Seifer stayed there even when the water became cold. He hid his face between his legs, crying softly, naked, wet and frozen. He was shaking, not just because of the temperature of the water, but also because he remembered something he didn’t want to.

 

Zell couldn’t stay calm, walking up and down for two hours. He was worried for Seifer. He didn’t understand what happened and even if he didn’t want to embarrass him, he thought he needed to talk and definitely not staying alone. He grabbed his jacket and left his apartment. Since Seifer had money, he probably took a room at the hotel. When he arrived, he asked the number of his bedroom.

“Hello, Sir. Would you like a room for the night?”

“No thanks. A friend of mine came here. Seifer Almasy. Can you give me the number of his bedroom, please?”

“Wait a minute, please.” She looked into her register. “Room 145. Second floor.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Zell took the elevator and arrived in front of his door. He knocked but nobody answered. He insisted again and again but the door stayed closed. He began to panic.

_“He said he wasn’t suicidal…but he seemed to be so depressed tonight…”_

He knocked again when he saw a cleaning lady in the corridor.

“Excuse me, Miss. Can you open the door, please? My friend didn’t answer and I’m scared that something happened to him.”

The lady approached but she seemed to be hesitant. “But…I can’t do this if you’re not a client of the hotel, sir…”

“Please! It’s an emergency. I’m not a thief or something. I even signaled myself to the reception. I’m not here to cause trouble, I’m just worried for my friend, so please, open the door with your pass.” Begged Zell.

The lady smiled, a little embarrassed and used her pass to unlock the door.

“Thanks!”

 

Seifer was still in the same position. It was as if he couldn’t move anymore. At this moment, he just wanted to disappear, even to never have existed. He couldn’t stop crying. He felt dirty and ashamed. He never had been a hero, a knight, he even not have been able to become a seed. There was nothing he could do to change the past, and nothing to make the present bearable. He suddenly felt a soft touch on his hair.

“Seifer?”

The blond raised his head and saw Zell, looking at him concerned. “Zell?”

The tattooed man got up and stopped the shower stream. “The water is cold. Since how long are you here?”

The ex-knight was shaking, covering his nudity the best he could. “How did you get in?”

“The lady cleaning used her pass to let me enter. I knocked but you didn’t answer.” Zell took a bathrobe and opened it.” Come on. You’re cold.”

Seifer approached but didn’t do anything. He was looking down the floor with dead eyes. Zell noticed his eyes were red and understood he was crying. He dressed the tall blond with the bathrobe and took him by the hand. He pushed him softly on the bed, forcing him to sit. He returned in the bathroom and grabbed a towel. He went again to Seifer and started to dry his hair with the towel, keeping silent. The blond didn’t protest or react, completely passive.

“Why did you come here?” asked Seifer.

“I was worried. You left my house so quickly…” He made a pause and stopped to rub the towel against his hair. He sat on the bed, caressing his hair gently. “Tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you fear.”

“I can’t.” repeated Seifer again.

“Why?”

“Because…it’s embarrassing.”

Zell sighted, disappointed. He stood up and put his knees on the floor to face the tall blond. “Okay…if I say you something embarrassing about me, would you tell me?”

“Zell…please…”

“I jerked off thinking about you.”

Seifer blinked. “What?”

“The last night…when I saw you naked in my bathroom, I got hard and I jerked off when I was taking my shower, and I came…thinking about you.” Confessed Zell blushing. “I never thought I would have the balls to tell you this and you’ll agree with me that this is the most embarrassing thing I ever could have said to you…so whatever you’re hiding, I don’t think it could be worse than that.”

Seifer looked down, thinking. He was blushing. “Did it disgust you?”

“What?”

“Did it disgust you to have jerked off thinking about me?”

Zell became completely red. He didn’t know how to answer. “To say the truth…no. It was just strange because I saw you and other men, naked more than once when we were at the Garden, on the shower, but it never did anything to me.”

“Why now?”

“I don’t know…”

“Because you’re getting lonely?”

“I already felt lonely when I was at the Garden and I never saw Squall or Irvine like this.”

Seifer fixed the martial artist in the eyes. “So, you want to have sex with me?”

Zell blushed. “Hum…I suppose…but not now.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s something that disturbs you, that hurt you…so, tell me.”

Seifer moved away and lay down on his back. Zell joined him on the bed and did the same, facing him. The tall blond grabbed his waist and hid his head on Zell’s chest.

“You won’t tell anybody?”

“I promise. It’ll stay between us.” Confirmed Zell.

Seifer sighted but didn’t change his position. He wanted to talk but he couldn’t look at him so he kept his face against Zell’s torso.

“During the war…when I was with Matron, she forced me…” he stopped in the middle of his sentence. Zell waited but when he understood Seifer wouldn’t be able to continue, he tried to encourage him.

“What did she force you to do, Seifer?”

He began to cry. “To fuck.”

Zell blinked in shock. “Wh…what?”

“She forced me…to fuck her.” He murmured, embarrassed. “She casted stop spells on me…and she jerked me off to make me hard…and she used my body to satisfy herself.”

The martial artist couldn’t believe it. Seifer pressed his body against him. He needed to be comforted. Zell stroked his back softly. “Was it…because of Ultimecia?”

“I don’t know…I guess. But when she touched me, she said things like I grew up nicely…and I always had a good body even when I was a kid…”

“Hyne!”

“I’m disgusting…”

“No Seifer! You didn’t want to do this!”

“But I always got hard!”

“It was just a physical reaction…”

“Matron was…like my mother. Do you imagine doing this with you own mother, Zell?”

The tattooed man grimaced thinking about this. He loved his mother but these kind of feelings were in fact disgusting. He understood what Seifer could feel.

“You know…I begged her to stop. I’ve tried to restrain myself, but I couldn’t. She always forced to come inside of her…she forced me to open my mouth to kiss her…to lick her pussy, her nipples…sometimes, she grabbed my hand and forced me to rub her pussy or to finger her…” His voice trembled. He was biting his bottom lip to not puke again. “I found this disgusting but my fucking cock responded every time. I never enjoyed it…”

“Seifer…”

“Do you think…she remembers?”

“I don’t know. She asked often about you, but I never noticed a different expression on her face, just sadness thinking of you. I think she was worried for you.”

“I see…”

Zell caressed his wet hair gently. “That’s why you puked when you were in my home tonight?”

“Yes…I try to not think about this but I couldn’t contain myself earlier.”

“I understand…I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I was the one who asked you first about girls after all.” He moved away and fixed Zell in the eyes. “You know…when Matron recovered her mind, Ultimecia continued to do this with me…”

“Really?”

“Yes. She never had the same form. She always used the face of someone that I knew to torture me…”

“What appearance did she use?”

“Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, Fujin…but she used Matron’s face and body often because she knew that I hated it.”

“Why did she torture you like that?”

“Because I couldn’t defeat you. I always lost against you each time I fought. She said I wasn’t proud enough to be her knight…so she humiliated me using my body like a fuck toy…”

“Fucking bitch!” muttered Zell, angry.

“You know…since this day, I’ve never try to do anything with a woman anymore. I know I’m not impotent but it caused me a psychological shock. Each time I saw a woman, I remember fucking Matron…” He closed his eyes, trying to contain his tears. “That’s why I asked Fujin to leave…”

“You never told her this?”

“No…but when Raijin left us, I couldn’t stay with her anymore. I was uncomfortable with her. She’s my best friend and I miss her, but I just couldn’t…when I was a kid, I considered Selphie and Quistis as my sisters…but Ultimecia made me fuck them too…it wasn’t what I wanted and I know she manipulated my mind to force me to believe that I was fucking Matron and the others…but I can’t erase the idea that I’m an incestuous man…it’s hard to bear.”

“I can’t imagine what you endured…but it’s not your fault. You didn’t like it, as I told you, it was a physical reaction and everybody would have reacted like you. Don’t torture yourself.”

Seifer moved closer and enrolled his arms around Zell’s hips. “Can you stay with me tonight please? I don’t want to be alone…”

“Sure…”

“Thanks, Zell.” He gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for listening…” He closed the eyes and fell asleep few minutes later. Zell hugged him tightly against his body and tried to comfort him the best way he could.

 

* * *

The next morning, Zell woke up. He was surprised to not find Seifer in the bed with him. The tall blond was smoking, on the balcony. Zell got up and approached.

“I didn’t know you smoke.”

Seifer finished his cigarette and turned around to face the martial artist. “I don’t smoke often. I didn’t have enough money for it before anyway…”

“You should stop.”

“There are a lot of things I should do…” he smirked and went inside. “Sorry for the last night.”

“It’s okay. What are you gonna do today?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I can go to hunt some monsters.”

“We have enough items. You should stay to rest a bit.” Zell sat on the bed and grabbed his shoes. “Or you can come with me to the shop if you want.”

Seifer rubbed his neck, thinking and nodded. “I’m coming with you.”

“Fine. Let’s go.”

It was early in the morning. There was nobody in the streets, but few shops were already open. Zell entered in a bakery. Seifer frowned, surprised. “What are you doing?”

“Buying breakfast. I’m hungry.” He waited his turn and waved at the owner. “Hi! I’d like two coffees, two orange juices, two chocolate croissants and two brioches, please.” He was about to pay when Seifer held the money to the lady.

“My treat.” Said the tall blond before leaving the bakery.

“Thanks…but you didn’t have to.”

“It was the second time you invited me to your home for dinner yesterday night. I can at least pay for the breakfast.”

Zell smiled and didn’t add anything. He really enjoyed Seifer’s presence. In fact, it was surprising but it was the truth and he didn’t want to deny it. He stopped to look at him like his enemy or like the knight he used to be…but just as the kid who grew up with him. Seifer was already rude with him at this time, but he wasn’t the only one. Quistis, Irvine and Selphie laughed at him a lot because he was crying all the time for nothing.

They reached the shop and entered. Zell put the lights on and opened the window. He went to the other room behind the counter and invited Seifer to follow him. They sat around the table, but the tall blond didn’t want to eat.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You should eat something…at least, drink your coffee and your orange juice.”

“Why do you care anyway?”

Zell sighted. “Why do you need to change your mood every time?”

Seifer looked down. “I should have never told you this…”

The tattooed man fixed him. “I don’t pity you if that’s what you think. I don’t judge you either.”

“But you find me disgusting, don’t you?”

“No and you should stop to think that about yourself.”

Seifer laughed, smirking. “So easy to say…”

“Blaming yourself is useless. Is that what you said to me when I talked about what I felt of myself after my last mission, don’t you?”

“It’s different. It wasn’t your fault. The seeds with you should have known how to defend themselves. In my case, I followed Matron to Timber by my own will.”

“You didn’t know she was controlled by Ultimecia. You thought she was the same woman who took care of you and you trusted her.”

“But I followed Ultimecia after you defeated me in Galbadia Garden.”

“I know, but I’m sure there was a reason for that…”

“There was no reason, Dincht.”

“No, there was one…but you don’t want to admit it.”

“What do you mean?” asked Seifer, pissed.

Zell knew he would become angry but he didn’t want to lie. “I think…you were scared of her. That’s why you obeyed her.”

“You don’t know anything…”

“Maybe, but that’s what I think.”

The ex-knight laughed. “If you want to convince yourself telling that, it’s your problem, not mine.” He fixed the martial artist and expressed amusement. “I knew you were too weak since the beginning, Chicken…”

“What is the point?” demanded Zell, annoyed.

“The point is you’re living in a wonderful world, Dincht…A fucking imaginary world which doesn’t exist! You think because we grew up together I was nice and kind? You think I needed a reason to act like a bastard? Why? Because I can’t be like that? Come on and wake up! This fucking world sucks! Garden trained us to become mercenaries, calling with the nice word “seed” to make forget that we were supposed to kill! And I didn’t have to become a seed to be a murderer!!!” shouted Seifer angry.

Zell didn’t reply, still fixing him.

“You ran away because you couldn’t support to be responsible. You were a fighter, Dincht, and look at yourself! Selling items and weapons to the same people that you used to be. This is the price of your cowardice!”

“FUCK YOU!” yelled Zell getting up. “Let’s talk about you! Where’s the great Seifer Almasy who was supposed to run this world? Where’s the courageous Knight? Where the young revolutionary? What are you doing now? Nothing! You’re fighting some monsters and you’re complaining about your miserable life! You’re not better than me!”

Seifer clenched his fist to hit Zell but he suddenly stopped, facing him with a furious look. Zell returned to his chair to eat his breakfast.

“I begin to understand how you’re thinking now, Seifer…you try to hurt me because I said something true about you and you don’t like it. Everyone has a limit and sometimes you can’t hide your weaknesses, but that’s what you did during your entire life…”

Seifer squeezed his fists, trying to control his anger. He wanted to reply, to deny, but he had no words to answer. It was as if Zell could see deep inside him.

“You’re right. I’m a coward. I ran away because I couldn’t face my responsibility. People died and I couldn’t do anything…I never refused a fight, but I couldn’t support to see pain and death, especially when people that I knew were involved. That’s true: I thought honest people didn’t have to suffer because it was unfair. I wanted to protect them, that’s why I became a seed, to erase the pain, to let the ones who deserved it to live in a peaceful world but…when I failed, I realized I was wrong. Things happen and even if you try to change it, sometimes, it’s not enough…you just have to accept it.” He drank his orange juice and added sugar in his coffee. “I didn’t accept it, so I came here. I won’t deny what you said because it’s the truth: this is the price of my cowardice. I'm weak, Seifer…like you.”

“I’m not like you…”

“Yes you are. The only difference between us is that I admit it. Not you. You failed when we defeated you, but you never stopped to fight. You failed at the seed exam but you continued to act like a jerk, refusing to obey to the orders because it would had asked you too much effort to recognize you were wrong. You never stopped when your posse abandoned you because you couldn’t accept the fact that you fucked up…and you’re still doing it today. You were scared of her, but you refuse to admit it.”

Seifer smirked. “Slow down Dincht! Your brain is gonna explode! You never thought so much before…”

“It doesn’t work Seifer. You can make fun of me as much as you want but I can see you’re tired to pretend. You said yourself last night. You reached your limit.”

The tall blond stayed quiet. In fact, Zell was right. He was tired to fake he was strong and proud…tired to live like a trash…tired to be lonely.

They heard someone entering in the shop. Zell got up, grabbing his chocolate croissant. “You can stay here if you want. I’m gonna welcome my customers.” He left the room, letting Seifer alone.

The tall blond sat on the chair, sighting. He was fed up of everything: his past, his present, his life, his attitude…he couldn’t even support his reflection in a mirror. Zell was definitely right: he was weak. He always had been weak. He couldn’t bear to stay alone…when he lost his parents, he was relieved to have Matron…when he went to the Garden, he was happy to have Raijin and Fujin always by his side…but when everyone left him, he just had Ultimecia even if he was afraid of her. But today he had nothing. No friends, no family, no respect, no place anywhere…

Zell was busy during all the morning. A lot of seeds from Galbadia and Trabia went to visit his shop to improve their weapons and to buy some rare items. He was glad to see the Nautilus was finally a good investment. At the lunch time, he closed the shop and returned to the other room. Seifer was sat on the ground, back against the wall, looking down. Zell approached and sat on his left.

“Are you mad?”

The blond didn’t reply. Zell noticed he didn’t seem to be angry, but depressed. He looked at him, waiting patiently for a reaction when Seifer finally put his head on Zell’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me, Seifer. It’s okay.” He enrolled his arm around his shoulder. “We don’t have to fight anymore. We’re not enemies…”

“I’m not your friend either.”

“You don’t want my friendship?”

“You want mine?”

“Why not? We’re already associates.”

“Associates?”

“Yes. That’s thanks to you that people come to my shop and I give you fifty percents.”

Seifer raised his head and looked at Zell in the eyes. “So, we’re friends?”

“Fine!” He got up and held his hand to him. “Wanna come with me to buy some food for lunch?”

“Sure.”

 

The rest of the day passed pretty well. Other customers came to the shop. Zell made the improvement on the weapons when he was free. Seifer had proposed to make an inventory to help him. It was a good thing because they could know what they had and missed. At the end of the day, Zell had asked to Seifer to come to his house, so the tall blond went to his hotel to grab his stuff. The martial artist suggested he could stay with him and shared the rent together, so he agreed. In fact, he just didn’t want to stay alone. Seifer enjoyed Zell’s presence…actually he needed it.

After the dinner and a shower, the two blonds sat on the sofa to watch the tv together. They were talking about the news. There was a subject in the tv program about Timber. Zell explained to Seifer that Rinoa never left the forest owls and she continued to fight for the independence. The Garden didn’t want to be involved anymore so she tried to convince Cid and Squall every day.

Their hands went in contact involuntary. Zell began to blush and fixed the tv to hide his embarrassment. He was hoping that Seifer forgot what he confessed yesterday about his sexual desire for him. The tall blond wasn’t uncomfortable; on the contrary, he fixed Zell intensely. He went closer and touched his cheek with his fingers, tracing the lines of his tattoo.

“Did you mean what you said yesterday?”

Zell became completely red. “About what?” he knew perfectly what Seifer was referring to but it was really embarrassing.

“That you wanted to have sex with me…” he kissed Zell’s ear gently. “Do you still want me after what I told you about Matron?”

“I guess…”

“It doesn’t disgust you?” demanded Seifer, whispering softly.

“No. You don’t disgust me…”

“Really?” Seifer fixed him in the eyes to be sure of his answer. Zell smiled and nodded.

“Yes.”

The tall blond seemed to feel relieved. He touched Zell’s lips with his fingers before kissing him passionately. The martial artist began to close his eyes and opened his mouth slowly to let Seifer exploring it with his tongue. Seifer put his hand behind Zell’s head when the short blond enrolled his arms around his shoulders, grabbing his neck with his hands. The two men tasted each other with desire, moaning delicately. There was a long time since they didn’t kiss anyone for the both of them and they realized how much they missed it. They broke the kiss after few minutes, looking at each other in the eyes. They didn’t need to talk because their eyes were already speaking for them. They wanted sex, they needed sex…actually, Seifer needed to have control again on somebody when Zell wanted someone to take care of him. They understood immediately their own position as dominant and dominated. But they were cut in the middle of their intimacy when Zell’s phone rang. He got up to answer.

“Sorry…” he apologized to Seifer before taking his call. “Hello? Hi Squall! How are you?”

Seifer rolled his eyes, annoyed. _“Damn Puberty boy! Even when you’re far from here, you’re in my way!” muttered the tall blond before getting up.”_

“Hum…yes. No, I’m fine…yes…yes…” laughed Zell. “When will you come back? Hum…yes…” The martial artist was talking with his friend when he felt Seifer’s arms around his waist. His hot breath was caressing his neck. Zell shivered when Seifer’s tongue was running along his neck.

“Hang up the phone.” Murmured the tall blond to his ear.

Zell began to resent the desire growing up in him. “Hum…sorry Squall…but I have to go…I’ll call you tomorrow…” he said before hanging up the phone.

“Good. Let’s go to your room.” Said Seifer, kissing him on the neck.

He grabbed his hand and went to his room before closing the door behind them. He turned around and kissed Zell passionately, putting his hands on his hips. The martial artist didn’t protest, on the contrary, he kissed him back, enrolling his arms on Seifer’s shoulders. They went slowly to bed, still kissing each other. Seifer pushed Zell on his back and stayed on the top of him. He stripped, staying half naked and returned to Zell’s mouth, rubbing his torso under his shirt. He pinched his nipples gently, taking off his clothes. Seifer stayed quiet, admiring his lover’s body with desire. He caressed his chest, fixing Zell in the eyes. His hands touched his face, his hair before kissing him again. The tattooed man was a bit surprised by Seifer’s tenderness. He expected he would be rougher but he preferred him this way. The tall blond took his time, not just because he wanted to be gentle with Zell, but also because he wanted to explore him…his skin, his scent, his taste…

“Seifer?”

“Hum?” The tall blond was kissing him on the cheek, licking his tattoo and smelling his scent on his hair. “Your first time?”

Zell nodded, blushing. He wasn’t a teenager anymore but he was still virgin at his age. He felt a bit ashamed about this. He never considered love and sex before…but he wanted it. He was uncannily at ease with Seifer even if he didn’t understand why. The tall blond smiled and kissed him.

“There’s a long time since I didn’t do it, so you don’t have to be embarrassed, okay?”

“Yes…”

Seifer kissed his ear and ran through his neck slowly, reaching his chest with his tongue. He was pinching his left nipple with his hand and was covering the other one with mouth. He could feel Zell’s hard on rubbing against his lap, so he began unzip his pants to plunge his hand in his boxer. The martial artist shivered. Each part of his body requested touch, caress, friction, kiss, bit…and every other sensation. Seifer moved his head at the end of his stomach and pulled off his pants and boxer. Zell opened his legs, letting the tall blond admiring his body. The ex-knight stayed on his knees and started to rub his cock, putting his hand on his boxer.

“You’ve got lub or somethin’?” demanded Seifer.

“No…”

“It’s okay. I’ve something better…” He grabbed Zell’s legs to spread it apart wider. He positioned the blond in front of him, ass in the air, his legs practically on his shoulder and licked his entrance with his hot tongue. Zell blushed and tried to stop him, putting his hands on his hair.

“Seifer! Stop it!”

“What?”

“It’s…embarrassing…”

“I need to prepare you or it will hurt.”

“But…you don’t have to…lick me there…”

“I want to.”

“But…” Zell couldn’t finish his sentence that he felt Seifer’s tongue went inside. “Hyne! Seifer…”

The tall blond put his tongue deeper and licked his hole during few minutes. He could feel that Zell enjoyed it. He stopped to lick his fingers and began to insert one, then two slowly in his rectum. The tattooed man was biting his bottom lip to contain his shouts, but the pleasure Seifer was giving him was so big that it was hard to restrain. He moaned softly, biting his pillow with all of his strength when he felt Seifer’s mouth covering his hard cock. The double stimulation drove him crazy so he started to moan louder. The tall blond inserted another finger, still sucking and rubbing Zell’s cock on the same time.

“Seifer…so..so good…don’t stop, please!” whispered Zell between moans. He grabbed the headboard of his bed with his hands but released it to stroke Seifer’s hair. The tall blond raised his eyes, still sucking and fingering him to fix him in the eyes. He wanted to see Zell’s expression, to observe the pleasure he was giving him…to watch him, submissive, as if he needed to feel that he was dominating the martial artist.

“Seifer! I’m coming…let go!” but he didn’t listen to him and continued to satisfy him. The tattooed man came in his mouth. “Sorry…I told you that…”

“I know what I’m doing.” He opened his mouth to let Zell’s semen pouring. He collected the liquid on his hand and unzipped his pants to pull it down with the other one. He rubbed his cock with the semen until he was wet enough. He approached and positioned himself in front of the tight hole. He put his hands on Zell’s thighs and put it in on one move.

“Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!!” yelled Zell, raising his body to grab his lover’s back. Involuntary, he scratched Seifer’s back with his nails. He was panted, still in shock because of the sudden intrusion.

“Are you alright? Wanna stop?” demanded the gunbladist.

Zell shook his head, murmuring softly. “No…”

“Okay, try to relax and let me ride you.”

Seifer sat and impaled Zell on his cock. He put his hands on his ass and began to move up and down slowly at the beginning. The martial artist hid his face on his neck and let Seifer did what he wanted with his body without complaining. After few minutes, the pain started to disappear and he got used to the new sensation. Seifer penetrated him faster and deeper, massaging his cheeks with his strong hands.

“Look at me.” Said Seifer.

Zell was a bit embarrassed but he did what he asked. When their eyes met, the two boys kissed, playing with their tongues languorously. Seifer released his mouth and started to lick one of his nipples, stroking his cock on the same time. The martial artist was completely passive, letting the other man doing everything.

“More…give me more…” moaned Zell.

Seifer pushed him on his back and become rougher, like a beast. He had been gentle enough with him…now the real deal was about to start. He spread his legs wider and went deeper in each move. Sometimes, it was a bit painful for Zell, but that was what he wanted too…pure and savage sex. They needed to take all their frustrations out. It was as if they were fighting but the pleasure they received was a million times better.

“Coming…” yelled Zell when he reached the orgasm. Seifer came few seconds later on him and collapsed, exhausted on the top of him.

The two men stayed quiet, trying to find their breath again. They were drenched with sweat. After several minutes of silence, Zell looked at him with the corner of the eyes. Seifer noticed and smiled at him.

“That was good, pretty boy…” said the tall blond.

Zell blushed, laughing. “Same for me…I didn’t know you were gay.”

“Bi, in fact. What about you?”

“Dunno…I never asked myself. I suppose I’m bi too.”

Seifer smirked. “You’re 21. Don’t you think it was the time to ask yourself?”

“I know! You don’t have to tell me…it’s just…I never felt the desire for these things before…”

“You mean sex?”

“Sex or love…”

“Why now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I was just too immature for that?”

“I never have imagined I would be your first one. You lost your virginity with the man you hated the most…” said Seifer with irony.

“You made me hate you. I didn’t want to.”

“I know…”

Zell hugged him tightly. “I don’t want to hate you anymore. I’m feeling good with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“I feel the same, but…”

“What?”

 Seifer got up, sitting at the end of the bed. “I’m not sure your friends and your mom would be glad to know about us.”

Zell approached, pressing his chest against Seifer’s back. He covered his naked shoulders with his arms, kissing him in the neck. “It’s nobody’s business.”

“What are you gonna do? Hiding me when they will come to visit you?”

“Why should I do that? I’m not ashamed.”

“That’s not the problem, Zell!”

“So what? What do you want to do? I’m not gonna lie to them about you.”

“But they will try to make you change your mind about me.”

“It doesn’t mean that I’m gonna listen to them. If they love me, they should think about my happiness first, not about the person who shares my life.”

“Zell…”

“Seifer, I don’t understand you. What do you expect from me? It was just…sexual?”

“No!” The tall blond turned around to face him. “I mean…it’s too early to say we love each other but it wasn’t just sex. I want you. I wanted you the first day I saw you in the shop…each time, I wanted to see you, to hear your voice, to talk, to laugh…to be with you to never be alone anymore.” Seifer hugged him tightly. “I’m so lonely, Zell…I need you, I want to fall in love with you. I want to stay by your side…but I’m scared…”

“Scared? About what?”

“To lose you. We’re not attached yet, but if we become closer, I won’t be able to bear with it if they try to take you away from me. If you’re not sure about it, tell me now.”

“Seifer…”

“Don’t give me hopes. Don’t lie to me. I don’t want you have to choose between them and me in the future. If it doesn’t work between us, I’ll accept it and I won’t be a burden or something. But if you break with me because of them…you’ll hurt me more than you can imagine, so please, think about it.”

Zell smiled and kissed him tenderly. “There’s nothing to think about, Seifer. I’m big enough to take my own decisions. I don’t know if it will work between us, but I promise that nobody will force me to give up on you. If we have to break up, it would be our decision, no one else.”

Seifer sighted, relieved. “That’s all what I needed to hear.”


	2. Chapter 2

One month later.

The business was good. The Nautilus became more famous and people were coming from everywhere to visit Zell’s shop. Nobody knew that Seifer was working with him. He didn’t want to cause troubles to the martial artist; it was better this way: he hunted monsters and brought him rare items and Zell sold it. The two men were living together. They didn’t hide their relationship and went out often to the restaurant or to the beach together but they tried to be discreet. They never kissed or did anything else in public. Some people in the town knew Seifer as the former knight but it was already five years that the war ended so they began to forget…even if they didn’t forgive.

Zell changed with Seifer’s presence. He was more confident and happy. He became the one who he used to be, with maturity. Plus he learned to control his emotions and stopped to move all the time, except in the bed with his lover, to Seifer’s delight. The tall blond loved to hear his boyfriend screaming his name, begging for more pleasure, moaning, being obedient and passive. Seifer needed to have control on Zell, to dominate him because he felt stronger, alive and confident. This way, he had the feeling that he protected him. It always had been his way to show his affection even if it was strange. Dominating people gave him the impression that they leaned on him so he could take care of them. Nobody really understood him so they thought he was just arrogant and nasty. For Seifer, the fear brought respect, respect brought admiration, admiration brought confidence and confidence brought need. He wanted to be the need that people were looking for. But with the time, because of the war, he lost his confidence. Ultimecia showed him how useless he was: he hadn’t been strong enough and even if he never wanted to admit it, he was scared to be alone. He thought if everyone needed him, he wouldn’t be alone…but acting this way, he lost everything. His life changed when he met Zell again in Dollet. Comforting him, he felt useful again. In fact, he helped him with his shop and to deal with his guilt after he failed during his last mission. He gave him pleasure and company. Plus, Zell didn’t judge him. He knew how he was and didn’t complain. He understood him, liked him even after he told him what Utlimecia and Matron did with him. With Zell, Seifer had control but not in a bad way: in the business, he brought him what he needed to have money, so it was thanks to him that the Nautilus worked; in their private life, he explained him how to react, how to accept and to bear his mistakes, he learned him how to control his emotions; in their sex life, Seifer was always on the top. He never let Zell taking control or doing what he wanted. Zell strangely never protested. On the opposite, it was easier for him this way. He used to follow orders at the Garden and he felt a bit disoriented when he left and opened his shop. Seifer gave him good advices and provided him anything he needed and wanted. He grew up with his presence and became finally an adult. In old times, he never felt respected. People thought he was too immature and hyperactive. They were probably right but the martial artist felt hurt because they didn’t see what he could do well but only his weaknesses. But now, it was different. With his work, people considered him. They respected his job. Seifer told him he didn’t have anything to prove to anybody but only to himself because he already showed them who he was, defeating Ultimecia. Squall wasn’t the only one during the war or on the last battle. He was there too but he wasn’t as popular as Squall could be. But not for Seifer and it was enough for him. Plus, since he was inexperienced with sex, he preferred to let his lover doing it. Seifer wasn’t rough, always patient. Dominant, yes, but always gentle and overprotective. That was what Zell liked about him because he felt loved and spoiled. Zell always needed someone to take care of him, since he was a child, that was why he cried every time. Drawing attention was his way to request affection. He was afraid to be abandoned again so he wanted to keep his mother, his friends with him all the time. But with his attitude, he realized he gave a lot of work to his mother during his childhood…and his friends were pissed of him, especially Squall. He wanted to be friend with him so badly that he always went to him, talking and talking again, but the brunette never returned his friendship. He was always cold and distant. Quistis was in love with him so she didn’t notice the martial artist. Selphie and Irvine were in their little world, and Rinoa…was Rinoa. She thought Zell was weak and childish. It was what she said during the war before the group arrived to Galbadia Garden. She blamed Squall to not support him enough because he revealed that they came from Balamb when Seifer took the president in hostage. At this time, it was true that Zell needed support but he felt hurt when he understood what Rinoa was thinking about him. He wasn’t a kid who needed to be cuddled. But Seifer knew him and accepted him like he was. He didn’t have to talk or to explain anything; the tall blond understood him and always did what he had to comfort him. They needed nobody else since they were together.

At the end of the afternoon, Zell was about to close the shop when Seifer returned from his hunting.

“Hello gorgeous! How was the hunting?” asked the martial artist, closing the window.

Seifer smiled and approached. He put his bag on the floor and grabbed Zell by the waist to kiss him. “Not bad…I missed you.”

Zell laughed, letting his lover kissing him on the neck. “Hum…I can feel that!” he replied touching the beginning of his erection.

“Wanna do it here?”

“Don’t you want to wait until we get back to home?”

“No! Close the door.”

Zell went to the entrance and locked the door before returning in Seifer’s arms. The tall blond held him and pinned him on the wall. He kissed the little blond with hunger and passion, taking off his clothes. Zell enrolled his arms around Seifer’s shoulders and let him what he wanted to do with his body. He loved to feel his lover’s hands, caressing and pinching his nipples, rubbing his cock and preparing him with his fingers. Seifer unbuttoned Zell’s pants and stripped him completely. He took off his coat and unzipped his pants to touch himself. With his other hand, he introduced two fingers in Zell’s mouth to let him lick it. The martial artist did it still fixing the other man in the eyes with desire. Seifer removed his fingers to introduce it in his ass slowly. On the same time, he went closer to Zell’s body and rubbed his cock with his own.

“Seifer…more…please…”

“Always impatient…” smirked the tall bond. “All right. Suck me. I’ve no lub with me.”

Zell put his knees on the floor and obeyed. He took Seifer’s cock in his mouth and began to lick the top of his organ before swallowing it entirely. Seifer grabbed Zell’s hair and made him suck him harder, pushing his cock deeper in his throat.

“Good…don’t stop…” moaned Seifer.

Zell continued to wet him with his mouth, covering his cock with his saliva when Seifer grabbed his hair and removed his organ.

“I think it’s okay…”

The tattooed man nodded and got up.

“Sit on the desk and spread your legs.”

Zell did as he was told without protesting. He wanted the same thing so it didn’t matter who took the initiative.

“Hurry…please.” Begged the martial artist, spreading his tights wider.

“Nice view, but I don’t think you’re wet enough here…” said Seifer with a seductive look. He was about to touch his hole when Zell stopped him, fingering himself.

“I’ll do it…” The martial artist inserted his fingers in his rectum after have licked it. He wasn’t used to do that. Of course, he jerked off before but he never touched himself there. He always let Seifer do it but he was particularly horny at this moment and didn’t want to waste any time.

“Pretty enterprising today…but I like it. Go on.” Exclaimed Seifer, fixing his lover.

Zell blushed but continued to finger himself. He looked the tall blond in the eyes. He was embarrassed but knowing that Seifer was fixing him with desire excited him.

“All right, that’s enough…” concluded Seifer. He kissed his boyfriend and entered him in a single move. “Ah…you did a good job but you’re still tight. Loosen up a bit, will you?”

“Harder…give me more…” moaned Zell, encircling Seifer’s waist with his legs.

“As you wish!”

Seifer took his lover by the hips and pinned him against the wall, fucking him like a beast. Zell was moaning louder in each move, and practically shouting. He didn’t feel any pain, just pure pleasure. He squeezed Seifer’s body with all of his strength. He came few minutes later against their stomach, before Seifer did the same inside of him. They stayed in the same position during a short time before they got dressed again. Zell approached when he finished and kissed Seifer’s cheek.

“That was great, as always!”

“Same for me, baby.” Replied Seifer hugging him. “Ready to go?”

“Yeap!”

The two lovers left the shop, walking on the streets toward their home. Sometimes, they looked at each other and laughed without saying anything. They didn’t need words to express their feelings; their eyes talked for them.

After the dinner, the two men took a bath together and didn’t resist making love again. It was predictable and normal because they stayed single and lonely for so long that they wanted to enjoy each minute, each second together.

They were watching the tv. Seifer enrolled Zell’s body with his strong arms. The little blond was between his legs, holding his lover’s arms around him. He had his head on Seifer’s shoulder. The gunbladist kissed his forehead, smelling his scent on his hair.

“I think I can answer to your question now…”

“Hum?” Frowned Zell. “What are you talking about?”

“Do you remember what you asked me when we were in the car to reach the cavern?”

“Hem…I said a lot of things this day…as often!”

Seifer laughed, caressing his hair. “You asked what kind of life I would like to be happy. Remember?”

“Yes, so what’s your answer?”

“I want this life.” When he noticed Zell seemed to not understand, he explained. “I mean, I want to stay with you like this forever. I don’t need anything else. Just you, by my side.”

Zell turned over and sat on his laps. “I’m happy with you. I wish nothing shall ever separate us.”

“I’d like to promise you but I never say something that I’m not sure that I can hold…”

“What do you mean? I thought it was serious between us…”

“It is. That’s not the problem.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

Seifer sighted. “Me. What would say your mother and your friends when they’ll know about us?”

“Come on, Seif! We already talked about that…”

 The tall blond looked down. Zell grabbed his face with his hands, forcing him to keep his eyes on him. “They have their life. Why should I justify being with you? I’m not ashamed and if somebody has a problem with that, they can fuck themselves!”

Seifer laughed but became serious again quickly. “You have a common past with them; it’s not like you could turn your back to your friends and your mother. You care about what they think. It’s normal…”

“I care about you more than them, now. We live and work together. My life at the Garden is over, so even if they’re still my friends, it doesn’t mean that I have to agree with them.”

The gunbladist traced the lines of Zell’s tattoo with his fingers, keeping silent.  The martial artist wanted to open his heart to him. He wanted to reassure him that he didn’t have to be worried for what his mother and the group thought.

“Seifer, I trust you, so I can tell you everything: I know I always annoyed everyone with my attitude and my hyperactive side. But, in fact, I just wanted to draw attention on me…”

Seifer took Zell’s hands and listened to him carefully. The tattooed man continued to explain:

 “I didn’t remember my real parents but I was afraid to be abandoned again. My fears made me cry all the time and I couldn’t support to be alone. I thought I needed to be noticed to not being forgotten and abandoned. But as far as I can recall, you were the only one who paid enough attention to me, even if it was just to make fun of me. You always have been the one.” He squeezed Seifer’s hands with his, without looking at him. “At the orphanage, everyone loved Ellone. I liked her too, but I was a bit jealous. When she left, it was Squall. Quistis never paid attention to me. She always ran toward him. Selphie and Irvine were always together, and Squall…you know how he was. Even Matron neglected me to comfort Squall after Ellone left. I felt so lonely but you were still there to give me some importance…”

“I laughed at you all the time…”

“Yes, but it was better than indifference…and in fact, it was true that I was crying every time for nothing!”

Seifer smiled sadly.

“I was happy during my childhood. My parents gave me love and affection. It was hard when my father and my grandfather died because I missed them…and I felt abandoned again, even if my mother was still there. When I came at the Garden, I’ve tried to make some friends but people avoided me. They probably thought I was annoying or too lively…I know Quistis used to say that about me when she was instructor.”    

“She wasn’t as good as she thought since she got fired…” exclaimed Seifer, pissed.

“Maybe…but I remember the way she talked about Squall with the other instructors. I never have been jealous of Squall. I wanted to become his friend but he always ignored me…”

“Quistis couldn’t be objective with Squall since she was in love with him…”

“Yes, but it wasn’t just Quistis or Squall. I know everybody laughed at me when I was at the Garden. Nobody took me seriously. They thought I was just a mama’s boy who ate hotdogs and who couldn’t stay in the same place more than ten seconds. It hurt…”

“It was because of me. I was the one who humiliated you.”

“You made fun of me because of my hair, and it’s true that I was your favorite victim…you were rude but you paid attention to me…you made me feel that I existed.  I had preferred to be friend with you but you challenged me so I thought you respected me as a serious opponent.”

“I’m sorry to have hurt you…”

“I’m not mad anymore, don’t worry.” Reassured the tattooed man. He put his head on Seifer’s chest. “You know, during the war, I felt the same with the others. Even if we grew up together and they are my friends, I always had the impression they didn’t care about me. Squall, Rinoa and Quistis were in their love triangle, Selphie and Irvine stayed together all the time. Squall never talked to me and yelled at me when I said stupid things…Irvine seduced every girl he met, even the library girl who had a crush on me…”

“Really?”

“Yes. When I knew about this, I lost confidence on me and I didn’t return her feelings. I’m not even sure that she didn’t sleep with him. I can’t blame her, I was pretty slow for these kind of things, but I expected some respect from my friend…he stopped to seduce Rinoa when she was with Squall…”

“Damn cowboy!”

“It’s okay, I don’t care now. I just told you what I felt when I returned to the Garden. I felt lonely and not respected but when they gave me this mission, I was proud. I thought they finally considered me as I deserved, but I fucked up. I failed and seeds died because of me…”

“Zell, stop blaming yourself.”

“They tried to comfort me after that. They came to talk to me, to tell me it wasn’t my fault…but it was too late. I couldn’t believe in myself anymore until I met you…”

“Hum?”

“You said the same things…but I listened to you because you always have been the only one who cared about me. Even if it was for the fun or to laugh at me, you always came to me. It took me time to understand why I felt better after you comforted me this day when I told you about the mission. I wanted attention, affection and comfort…and you gave it to me without I needed to ask you. You helped me with my shop when everybody left me alone…it means a lot to me.”

“You helped me too. I was homeless and hungry when I met you. You gave me support knowing what I did to you…” Seifer hugged his lover tightly, kissing his neck. “You know…I always had the impression that whatever I could do, everyone preferred Squall, at the orphanage or at the Garden. I don’t know why because I was stronger and better than him…but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough anyway. Quistis said all the time Squall was his best student; Cid trusted him; Rinoa had a crush on him…even you, you were completely fascinated by him…”

“People love his mysterious side. But I just wanted to be friend with him and with you too.”

Seifer sighted. “You remember when we were in the car, on the road for the seed exam?”

“Yes, and so?”

“You asked Squall to show you his gunblade but he ignored you. You didn’t even try to ask me…”

“Come on, Seifer! I knew you would have told me to go to hell. You can’t blame me to never have tried to be friend with you when you never stopped to insult me. Have you ever called me by my name before we met again?”

“No…that’s true. It was always Chicken or wuss…”

“Or Chicken wuss…sissy…”

“I’m sorry…” Seifer pressed Zell’s body against him. “Anyway, what I wanted to say is I always felt decrease in front of Squall. That’s why I didn’t hesitate when I saw Matron at Timber. At the beginning, I wanted to help Rinoa and the Forest Owls, but I remembered the way she danced with this bastard at the party for the bachelors. She completely forgot me, even if I was her fist love and I introduced her to Cid. He always had been cold and unconcerned to everyone but people never hated him for that. It wasn’t the same treatment for me. Nobody could stand me since the beginning…it was Squall, Squall…and Squall again!”

Zell caressed Seifer’s blond hair with tenderness. “You’re right for Squall. Nobody blamed him for his attitude even if he was particularly rude sometimes with us…”

 “I hated all of you for this. If Squall had been in my place with Edea, I’m sure everybody would have done everything to help him…but they didn’t give a shit about me.”

“We thought you were dead. They said you had been executed.”

“Nobody cared anyway…”

“I did.”

Seifer blinked. “What?”

“I was really in shock when I thought you had been killed. Everyone seemed to be surprised by my reaction and asked me why I was like this since I hated you. In fact, I just couldn’t accept your death. I thought even if we weren’t friends, you were one of us, from Garden, from Balamb. I wanted to avenge your death.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You can ask to Selphie or Quistis if you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t need it. I trust you. It’s just…unexpected.”

“Yeah, but it was what I felt.”

The tall blond smiled. “Maybe I would not have followed her if I had known you cared about me enough to avenge me…”

“But Fujin and Raijin cared about you. They followed you until the end.”

“I thought that too at the beginning.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighted sadly. “They didn’t really support me when we were with the sorceress. They asked me all the time to stop, or said that I was manipulated…and in the end, they chose Squall and left me.”

“They didn’t have the choice. Fujin told you it hurt them a lot to let you for Squall.”

“I know. They tried to stop me for my own good, but after the war, nothing was the same between us. We couldn’t trust each other anymore. I began to wonder why I felt so insecure with my best friends and I understood.”

“What did you understand?”

“They followed me when we were at the Garden but they never dared to contradict me. They were obedient with me not because they agreed with me but because they knew that I needed to have control on somebody. They just gave me what I wanted, but during the war I asked them too much and they couldn’t follow me anymore.”

“Didn’t it what you wanted? To be respected, I mean?”

“It wasn’t respect, Zell….but friendship or sympathy. They knew my weaknesses and they probably felt sorry for me so they gave me some control and power on them. They are my friends. They like me the same way I like them. Fujin was overprotective with me, still kicking asses when people said something bad about me. She saw me like her brother…I think she had a crush on me at the beginning but she gave up. And Raijin…he tried sometimes to convince me to make some friends, or to tell Fujin that I needed to change. He never liked this situation, our apartness I mean, but he stayed.”

“Don’t you think you’re a bit rude with them? They never pitied you. They really like you. You’re their friend, their captain.”

“There’s no posse anymore. I know they like me and I feel the same for them, but a part of me knows that they stayed because they pitied me.”

Zell kept silent. He recalled the day, when he defeated Raijin and Fujin in Balamb, at the hotel. Raijin told them that they didn’t want to abandon Seifer because he was alone without them. He realized Seifer was right. Yes, Fujin and Raijin liked Seifer, they were best friends, but they pitied him.

“Do you pity me too?” asked Seifer.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because…after all what I did, you still want me. You let me have control on you every time we have sex, or on your business.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Zell, I don’t want this. You don’t have to feel sorry for me, accepting me like Fujin and Raijin used to do. It would end badly…”

The tattooed man grabbed Seifer’s face with his hands. “I let you have control on me because I want it, not because I pity you. Got it?”

Seifer didn’t seem to be convinced. He stayed silent when Zell understood he had to explain.

“You know…I feel safe with you. I let you help me for the shop because you have good ideas. It works better since you help me. For sex, I let you do everything you want because I love the way you make me feel. You always think about me first when you take your time to prepare me. You’re not stingy. You think about the pleasure you give first before the one you receive. I need to feel that somebody takes care of me and you do. So, I don’t let you have control because I pity you but because I want it…because I need it and like it. If I don't agree with you, I’ll tell you, don’t worry. Okay?”

The ex-knight smiled but happily this time, kissing his lover tenderly. “You know, I always liked this side of you since the first time I saw you.”

“What side?”

“Your honest side. You don’t know how to lie so I’m sure I can trust you when you tell me something. It’s cute!”

“Well, I like when you’re honest with me too. I prefer you this way. Humility suits you better than arrogance.”

“You’re the only one I ever showed this side of me.”

“Oh! So I’m special!” said with pride Zell.

“Yeah…you’re special. You always had been special to me.”

The martial artist frowned. “Did you like me before? I mean…at the Garden?”

Seifer took Zell’s hands with his. “I told you I was bi, so I found you cute. But what I mean is that I always respected you as a fighter…even if I never told or showed you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You know, each of us chose a weapon: I have Hyperion, Squall his gunblade, Irvine his rifle…but you were the one who fought only with his fists. It takes guts to fight armed people just with the hands and you deserve respect for this.”

Zell jumped in Seifer’s arms, making his lover fall on his back.

“Whoa!” exclaimed Seifer with surprise. “What’s wrong with you?”

But the martial artist was pressing his face against the chest of the tall man, keeping silent. Seifer stroked his hair with kindness.

“Zell? What is it?” When he noticed he didn’t answer, he tried to release himself from Zell’s grip to understand why he was reacted like this. But he didn’t let him go, whispering few words against his body.

“Nobody…has ever told me that before. It means a lot to me…”

“I meant it.”

“I know. That’s why I’m so glad you told me.”

They stayed in each other arms all the night. They didn’t have to add another word; they understood perfectly what they could think. Together, they felt good and safe. They were honest to each other. It was as if they knew what they needed without asking. Yes, it was a strange relationship, but nobody could understand. Nobody had to, anyway. They were in their world where they just needed each other and nothing else.


	3. Chapter 3

Things were going well between the two lovers. They even took a short vacation during a weekend to go to Winhill. Zell wanted to take a break and had proposed to his boyfriend to travel. Since the end of the war, Seifer wasn’t welcome to Timber, Deling City, Esthar or Balamb so he preferred to avoid these towns. Nobody knew him in Winhill and it was the last city in the Galbadian continent. They rented a car and reached the small village at the end of the week, late on the afternoon. They arrived at the hotel and took a room for the night. Zell jumped on the bed.

“I’m so tired…”

“I told you to let me drive.” Said Seifer opening the window.

“You drive too fast. It’s scaring…”

“You’re complaining all the time anyway.”

Zell got up and grabbed Seifer by the waist, kissing his neck. “Not all the time, especially on the bed…”

The tall blond smiled and turned around to kiss him back. “Liar! Even when we fuck, you complain. You ask me all the time to hurry.”

“It’s your fault! You tease me.”

“All right, all right…why don’t we get out now so we could have dinner? I know a good restaurant here.”

“Oh? How do you know it?”

“I came here with Raijin and Fujin a couple of days.” Seifer’s face changed. He was melancholic.

Zell hugged him. “Do you miss them?”

“Yes…it’s selfish but I had liked they could have stayed with me, even after the war.”

“But you’re the one who asked them to leave.”

 “That’s true but…”

“Seifer, listen: we could visit them if you want. It’s not like they would reject you. They’re still your friends.”

The gunbladist smiled and kissed his lover. “I guess you’re right.”

“Okay! Let’s go.”

They went to the restaurant that Seifer knew. There were few persons but not a lot. Zell had commanded a pizza with pepperonis and Seifer a plate of fish and chips that he shared with his boyfriend. He knew Zell was greedy and couldn’t resist stealing some of his chips. They spent a good time together. After their dinner, they walked in the streets, holding hands and kissing. They finally returned to their hotel.

“I’m gonna take a shower. Wanna join me?” asked Seifer.

“Of course!” Zell stripped and went to the bathroom, completely naked. Seifer was already under the water when the martial artist approached and kissed his shoulders. His lover stayed on his back, enjoying the touch on his back.

“I was planning to wait until we finish washing but…” Seifer turned around and pinned Zell against the wall, spreading his legs. He began to finger him, kissing him on the same time. When he felt Zell was ready, he entered him. He covered his mouth with his to restrain his voice.

“I love to hear you screaming my name but you have to be quieter tonight since we’re not at home…” whispered Seifer, kissing his ear.

Zell nodded and bit his bottom lip during all the time they made love under the shower. They had enough to stay on their feet so they went to the room and finished what they started on the bed, still wet and naked. Zell lay down on his stomach, enjoying the pleasure Seifer was giving to him, biting his pillow with his teeth. Usually, they liked to do it facing each other but Zell wanted to contain himself so he had to avoid Seifer’s eyes because he knew he would have come too fast. Seifer was fucking him senseless. He wanted to tease Zell. In fact, he enjoyed the view of his slender neck, his wet back and his sexy ass. He grabbed him by the hips and pushed his cock deeper in him, playing with his hot spot when he made Zell come. He collapsed on his body; his chest against Zell’s back after had come inside of him. They fell asleep few minutes later, exhausted.

During the night, Seifer was struggling. He turned his back, again and again, unable to sleep properly. He seemed to have nightmares.

_“You’re so gorgeous Seifer…” Edea was caressing his hair with her long fingers._

_“Matron…please. I don’t want to…”_

_“My darling…why are you so scared? You know I won’t hurt you…” her hand moved on Seifer’s chest._

_“Please…don’t.”_

_She unbuttoned his pants, plugging her hand in his boxer. “You like it. Look at how hard you already are…”_

_“Matron! Please! I don’t want to…”_

_“Yes, you want it, my boy. Your mouth says no but your body begs me for more…”_

_“No…”_

_She undressed herself, facing Seifer who was sitting on his chair, incapable of moving. “ Look at me.”_

_The tall blond closed his eyes, but Edea pulled his hair with strength. “I said:  Look at me.”_

_Seifer opened slowly his eyes, shaking. Her breast was just in front of his mouth. Her nipples were hard. She took his hand and forced him to rub her clitoris. “Use your tongue. Lick my nipples.”_

_The tall blond shook his head to refuse but she grabbed his hair again. “You’re gonna do what I say, Seifer. You can’t escape.”_

The tall blond woke up in panic. It was a nightmare. Just a nightmare. He looked around him and saw Zell. The martial artist was cuddled in his arms. He turned the lights on.

“Seif? What’s wrong?”

The ex-knight was shaking. He ran toward the bathroom and vomited on the toilets. Zell got up and went to him. Seifer was on his knees, throwing up all what he had in the stomach. The tattooed man was rubbing his back softly. It wasn’t the first time that Seifer felt sick this way. He was suffering from a post traumatic stress disorder after Edea and Ultimecia raped him. Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night after had made a nightmare to vomit. After few minutes, he finally stopped and got up to rinse his mouth.

“I’m sorry to have waked you…”

“Don’t. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes. I just had a nightmare. Let’s return to bed.” Seifer left the bathroom with Zell and lay down on the bed. He was still trembling.

Zell was caressing his hair gently. He felt that the tall blond wasn’t in a good state. He noticed that his lover was hiding his erection with his hands and squeezing his tights. “Seif…”

“I’m okay. Come back to bed.”

“You’re not “okay” Seifer. It’s not good to restrain yourself like this…”

Seifer closed his eyes, hiding his head under the pillow. “Don’t look…”

Zell sighted. He grabbed his hands to help him but Seifer raised his body to stop him. His back was against the headboard of the bed. He was squeezing his legs harder. Zell approached and fixed him in the eyes. “You need to relax. Let me help you.”

“No! I don’t wanna come…not like this.”

“Seifer, open your eyes and look at me.”

These words resounded in his brain. He remembered Edea, when she talked to him. He always tried to escape, erasing her picture from his mind but it was impossible.

“Seifer. It’s me. Listen to my voice and open your eyes, please.”

After a short time, he followed Zell’s advice and fixed his lover in the eyes. He felt relieved when he recognized his boyfriend who was smiling at him.

“I’m gonna help you, so don’t stop fixing me. Okay?”

“But…”

“It’s all right. You’ll feel better after that.” Zell took Seifer’s cock with his hand and began to rub it slowly, without never let him stop to look at him. He knew that he needed to feel reassured.

“Zell…” moaned Seifer softly. He could feel his grip getting harder on his organ. With his other hand, Zell was massaging his strong torso. “Good…don’t..stop…”

“Come for me, baby.” Said the martial artist, still rubbing him when Seifer reached the orgasm and came. “That’s good…relax.” He wiped Seifer’s semen on his stomach and helped him to lie down, before joining him in the bed. He covered them with the blanket, holding his lover in his arms. “I’m with you, Seif. You’re not alone.”

“Thanks…” whispered the tall blond softly before falling asleep.

The next day, Seifer was the first to wake up. He looked at Zell with tenderness. He hated to be so weak in this kind of situation but his lover understood him and never judged him. He wondered how he could have lived without him during all this time. He was so happy now that he was terrified to lose everything. His life without Zell wouldn’t mean anything…and thinking this way, he realized how much he cared about him. Zell wasn’t just his boyfriend, his sex-partner, his friend or his associate: he was all of that and more…he was his lover. They never said to each other even if they were together since few months already.

“Morning…” murmured Zell, opening his eyes slowly.

“Hi. Did you sleep well?” asked Seifer kissing his cheek.

“Not bad at all. What about you?”

“Fine.” He hugged the martial artist, kissing his neck. “I’m sorry for yesterday.”

“No need to apologize every time. Wanna talk about it?”

“I feel better so it’s okay. “he raised his head to look Zell in the eyes. “Zell?”

“Hum?”

Seifer began to blush. He changed his mind and hid his face on Zell’s neck. “…love you.”

The martial blinked. He heard what he said and he understood the tall blond was too embarrassed to look at him saying that. He smiled, caressing his hair. “I love you too, Seifer.”

 

* * *

They returned to Dollet at the end of the week, going back to their usual routine: Seifer chasing monsters and Zell selling their items at the shop. It was a simple but a happy life. They had some hard times when Seifer was feeling sick and had anxiety attacks but nothing more. They never argued. It was particularly unexpected since they used to fight often for nothing when they were kids or at the Garden. It was always Seifer’s fault because he provoked Zell every time but he was different now. He grew up, even if he liked to tease him sometimes, but not in a nasty way. Zell tried to convince him to call Raijin and Fujin. He knew he missed them. But, in fact, Seifer was just too ashamed to do this. He thought he caused them too many troubles so he wanted to let them live in peace, even if it meant that living without them or to never see them again. It hurt him but he thought he had to do this. Plus, Zell was with him so he wasn’t alone. He hoped things wouldn’t change, even when Squall and the others would know about their relationship. He feared this moment. He dreaded that Zell had to choose his side. Zell forgave him but it wasn’t the case for the others, especially Squall and Selphie. The little brunette lost so many friends during the last war when Trabia Garden had been destroyed by the missiles…and for Squall, it was another story. He tortured him and gave Rinoa to Adel. He knew their rivalry never died, so he would probably try to convince Zell to break up with him just to take his revenge.

At the end of the week, Zell was thinking about how he had to tell Seifer. It was his mother’s birthday so he was planning to go to Balamb. He wanted to talk about his lover with his mom but he knew Seifer wasn’t at ease when he brought this subject. Late on the afternoon, the tall blond returned to the shop.

“Zell?”

“I’m here.” Said the martial artist, in the other room. He was trying to restore a damaged sword.

Seifer approached and gave him a kiss before taking a seat in front of him.

“How was the hunting?”

“Good. I brought you some Malboro Tentacles and whispers.”

“Thanks.” Zell looked down, biting his lips nervously. The tall blond noticed and asked him.

“Zell? What’s wrong?”

“Hum?”

“You want to tell me something. You’re doing this again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know this thing with your lips. You always bit your lips when you want to admit something.” He began to laugh. “I call it “the guilty bite” since the day you ate my slice of chocolate cake. Do you remember?”

“Yes, but I told you I was really hungry this day. I’m sure you didn’t eat your slice immediately on purpose to tempt me!”

“I have the right to eat whenever I want!”

“Okay…I fucked up this day but I did another cake for you after that.”

“That’s true. So, tell me. What is it?”

The tattooed man scratched his hair and took a large breath before answering: “You know…it’s Ma’s birthday this week so I planned to visit her in Balamb. I thought you could come with me and we could tell her about us?”

Seifer crossed his arms, avoiding Zell’s eyes. He was really uncomfortable with that because he knew his mother wouldn’t accept him. “It’s a bit early, don’t you think?”

“Seifer! We’re going out since three months now and we’re living and working together.”

“I know…”

“We even said we were in love. It’s not early. Plus, Squall and the others will come back soon from Esthar and they want to visit me. I’d like to tell my Ma first. It’s the right time tomorrow.”

“…”

Zell got up and sat on Seifer’s lap, enrolling his arms around his shoulders. “I love you. No one would make me change my feelings for you whatever they would say.”

“What if…”

“Seifer, stop it with your “what if”! I told you I won’t listen to them if they try to convince me to break up with you. It’s not like I didn’t know who you were. I already know everything about you, probably more than the others so there’s nothing which could persuade me to leave you.”

The blond closed his eyes and put his head, heavily, on Zell’s shoulder. “I’m sorry…but please, give me more time.”

“Seif…”

“Zell, I promise I’ll come with you to Balamb, but not tomorrow please. I need more time.”

The tattooed man sighed, disappointed. “Fine. But can I tell my Ma about us?”

“It’s her birthday. You should choose another day to talk about that with her.”

Zell stood up and went to the entrance to close the shop. Seifer followed him.

“Are you mad?”

“No…but I don’t want to go without you tomorrow.”

“How long are you planning to stay?”

“Just for the week. Maybe less. I’ll come back with the first train Saturday.”

“That’s okay; it’s a good thing you visit your mother.”

“But…you’re gonna be alone.”

“Come on Zell! I’m not a kid. I can stay alone for two days.” He approached and grabbed his lover by the waist. “Even if I have to admit I’m gonna miss your little ass but after a weekend of abstinence, it will be even better.”

“So funny…”

They laughed together when Seifer became serious again. “Don’t be mad, Baby. I just need more time. You know I love you; it’s just… I don’t wanna lose you.”

“I know but I told you that you don’t have to worry about…”

“Yes, but it’s not easy to accept. I trust you but people won’t react the same way as you. Some of them still glare at me, you know?”

“They can fuck themselves!”

Seifer smiled. “Thanks…but give me few days, okay?”

“All right.”                

 

* * *

The next day, Zell was in the train to reach Balamb. He was a bit nervous to have let Seifer alone. It was the first time since they were together that they would be separated from each other for so long. In fact, Zell was worried for him.

 _“What if he has nightmares during the night? Or what if he feels sick and gets an anxiety attack? I won’t be here to comfort him…I should have insisted more but he’s right. It’s not the right day to tell Ma about us, especially if she reacts in a bad way.”_ Zell closed the eyes and tried to sleep. _“Everything will be all right. I won’t stay away from home more than a day. There’s no reason that something happens to him. He’s a big boy…”_   Even if he tried to convince himself, he knew that Seifer was fragile and weak on this moment. He needed to feel his presence to get better. The martial artist was praying that he wouldn’t think about what happened with Matron and Ultimecia until he would come back to Dollet.

After few hours, Zell arrived to Balamb, in the middle of the morning. He went directly to his home. He didn’t meet anybody in the streets since it was raining. He felt relieved because he didn’t want to see people. He couldn’t stop thinking about Seifer at this time.

“Ma? I’m home!”

Miss Dincht went out of the kitchen and hugged him tightly. “Zell! Darling! How are you?”

“Fine Ma. Happy Birthday!”

“Thank you, darling. Come in! I’m gonna take some drinks and cakes. I thought you would arrive later today.”

“No, I took the first train, early in the morning so I can stay a bit longer with you.”

“When did you plan to leave?”

“Tomorrow morning. I have a lot of things to do in the shop but I’ll probably come back the next week.”

“Good! Let’s go to the living room.”

 They talked about so many things during a long time: last gossips in Balamb, Squall and the rest of the orphanage group, Zell’s shop…

“I’m so happy that you found a good job with your shop. You know, people talk about the Nautilus, especially students.”

“I’m glad, but it’s all thanks to my associate.”

“Associate?”

“Yes. I told you about him, remember?”

“You mean, the man who sold you some of his items?”

“Yes. We work together now. He chases monsters and brings me items he collects. I sell it and we share what we’re making.”

“Sounds good. Is it your friend?”

 “Yes. He helps me a lot.”

She smiled, caressing his hair gently. “I can see it. You seem to feel better. You were so depressed when you left that I was really worried for you, but you’re different now. I’m relieved.”

“I’m sorry Ma but I couldn’t stay here…”

“I know Zell, I know…” She winked at him. “Anyway, I should thank your friend properly to have helped you for the shop. You found your smile again so I owe him a lot. Why don’t you bring him here?”

“I will.” Zell bit his lips and decided he had to tell his Ma. “You know…he’s not just a friend…or an associate.”

“Hum, what do you mean?”

The martial artist squeezed his fists and finally confessed: “He’s…my lover.”

Miss Dincht kept silent, surprised. Zell noticed her expression and continued to explain. “We’re living together. I know it’s probably a shock for you to know that I’m going out with a man…”

“Oh…no, no…it’s just…”

“Are you disappointed?”

“No! Of course not! I just didn’t know that you were gay…”

“Me neither. I think he was the one who made me realize it. I mean…I think I’m bi.”

“Okay…” she smiled and fixed her son with a kind look. “Does he love you?”

“Yes. He makes me happy.”

“It’s all what I ask. If he takes care of you, I’m fine. Why didn’t you come with him today?”

“I wanted but…he refused.”

“Why?”

“He was afraid that you don't accept him. “

“But you know me, Zell! I wouldn’t have said something bad because you are gay…”

“Ma…it’s not what you think.”

“Hum?”

 “That’s not the reason why he didn’t want to come to meet you. He’s scared that you don’t like him.”

“Why should I dislike him if he gives happiness to my son?”

“That’s what I told him…but people judge and insult him every time so it’s not easy for him…”

“I don’t understand…is he famous?”

“We can say so…”

“Do I know him?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Who is he?”

Zell stayed quiet. Seifer asked him to not tell his Ma about him but the martial artist didn’t want to hide it anymore. He took a large breath and finally answered: “Seifer…”

“What?” blinked his mother.

“Yes. Seifer Almasy. You know, the former sorceress’ knight, the man who used to make fun of me when we were at the orphanage or at the Garden…”

Miss Dincht was in shock. She looked like a zombie when she heard the name of Zell’s boyfriend. She had no word to describe her surprise.

“Ma?”

But she kept silent. Zell took her hands and faced her. “Ma? Talk to me.”

“What…what do you want I tell you?”

“What you think about this. I know you’re shocked but Seifer is different, now. He helps me a lot and he really loves me.”

She got up and walked toward the kitchen. Zell followed her.

“Ma?”

She turned around, confused, to face her son. “Zell, honey…it’s not a problem that you’re gay but…”

“But what?”

“But…but…this boy! He tried to kill you during the war!”

Zell rolled his eyes, pissed. “I know, Ma! Thanks!”

“He bullied you during your childhood! I remember you came back to home annoyed and furious every time because of him…”

“I know…”

She put her hands on her face. “Sorry, darling…I need more time to accept it…can we talk about this later?”

“Sure. I’m a bit tired anyway.”

“Go take a nap. I’m gonna prepare the dinner.”

“Okay…”

Zell went to his bedroom and lay down on his bed, sighting. His Ma didn’t react very well when she heard the name “Seifer”. His lover told him it wasn’t a good idea to tell her but he wanted to share his happiness with his mother. It was important to him and he thought she knew him better than anybody so she wouldn’t judge him or Seifer. He took his cell phone and sent a message to his lover.

_“-Hi Baby! What are you doing now?”_

He waited few minutes when Seifer replied.

_“-Hey! I just came back from hunting, near of Winhill. I brought you some good items. What about you? ”_

_“-Thanks for the items. I just take a nap before the dinner.”_

_“-No need to thank me. How is your mother?”_

_“Good. Thanks for asking.”_

After a short pause, Seifer sent him another message: _“-Are you still mad at me?”_

_“-What for?”_

_“-To not have come with you visiting your Ma.”_

_“-No, I’m not. Don’t worry.”_

_“-Thanks for understanding.”_

_“-I miss you.”_

_“-You talk as if you hadn’t seen me for months! It’s only few hours since this morning! ^_^"_

_“-I know but it will be the first time since we’re together that I’ll sleep alone.”_

_“-Will you survive?”_

_“-I’ll try! ^_^_ _”_

_“-Good boy!”_

_“-I’ll call you later. See you.”_

_“-Bye Baby!”_

 Zell put his phone on the bed and closed his eyes to sleep a little bit. He hoped that his mother would change her mind about Seifer. Two hours later, he joined his Ma in the kitchen.

“Darling? Dinner is ready. Take a seat.”

“Thanks.”

They sat and began to eat, staying quiet. When the silence became too uncomfortable, Miss Dincht started to talk about the last gossips in the town, about the Garden and everything. Zell was pissed because he knew she tried to avoid the subject about Seifer. He had enough and decided he had to talk frankly with her.

“Does it disturb you?”

“Hum?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Ma. Does it disturb you that I’m going out with Seifer?”

She got up and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water in the fridge. “Can we talk about it later, please?”

“Why?”

“Because…I need more time to deal with it.”

Zell sighted, rolling his eyes. “Why don’t you admit it honestly that you don’t like him?”

“…”

“Ma!”

She crossed her arms, looking down. “Zell…please.”

“Please what? I want to know what you’re thinking right now.”

“I’m trying to be delicate…”

“You don’t have to. Tell me.”

She sighted. “Well…if you really want to know what I’m thinking about this man, I’ll tell you that I hate him. He hurt you, physically and emotionally more than once; he tried to kill you during the war; he humiliated and bullied you during your childhood and during your studies…plus he invaded Balamb with Galbadia Garden during the war…he’s not a good match for you.”

“I already know all these things…you don’t have to recall me who he is…”

“Zell, what did you expect? Did you really think that I would accept him after all what he did to you?”

“I thought my happiness was your priority?”

“It is!”

“So why can’t you accept him? I forgave him for what he has done.”

“I can’t trust him.”

“But I do! Why don’t you believe in me? I have more reasons than anybody to be angry against him but I understood a lot of things since we’re together. He changed and he helped me.”

“Few good actions can’t erase a life of cruelty and nastiness…”

Zell became mad. “You know nothing about him…”

“He hurt you and made you cry so many times, Zell…how can you be so kind with him?”

“Because he gave me what I wanted. Because he loves me. Because I need him…”

She grabbed Zell’s hands, fixing him worried. “Honey, listen…I know your last mission gave you some hard times and a lot of remorse but…” Zell didn’t let her the time to finish her sentence.

“What do you insinuate? That I was too weak and disoriented and that I let Seifer abusing me?”

“I just say that you probably felt lonely and…”

“You know nothing, Ma! NOTHING!”

“Zell, please! Stay calm…”

“He didn’t brainwash me or something like that!”

“Admit it that you two would never have been together in the past! You’re not yourself anymore since you left Garden. You felt lonely and you found company with him but he’s not a good person for you…”

“Don’t talk about him like that! I know what I’m doing, and even if it hurts you to hear that: I love him!”

“Zell…”

The martial artist got up. “You know what? He was afraid to be with me because he thought you and the others would reject him. He didn’t want that I had to choose between you and him. He always thinks about me first, even today when I asked him to come with me, he refused because of you. He knew you would react like that and he didn’t want to break my heart…”

His mother approached and rubbed his back softly. “You know how much I love you, Darling…I’m just worried. He’s gonna hurt you again and you suffered enough. You don’t need this…”

Zell moved away, grabbing his hoes and his jacket. “I thought you would understand me…I was wrong.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going back to Dollet. I don’t wanna stay here if you can’t accept Seifer.”

“Darling, please don’t leave!”

“Happy birthday.” He left his house, closing the door behind him. He could hear his mother calling his name, begging to stay but he was too furious against her. He ran toward the train station. There was a last train for Timber in twenty minutes. He could rent a car to reach Dollet.

 

* * *

 

After a shower, Seifer took a beer in the fridge. He already ate a slice of pizza outside before coming back to home so he wasn’t hungry. He couldn’t stop thinking about Zell. He missed him, but in fact, he was worried that he talked about him to his mother.

_“What if he said we are together? Will she convince him to break up with me?”_

He tried to fix his attention on anything else, watching the television or reading a magazine, but it was useless. He became annoyed and left the living room to sleep. He was tired after had hunted monsters all the day. He lay down on his stomach. The bed was empty without Zell. He turned his head to look at Zell’s empty place and grabbed his pillow to smell his scent.

_“I’m ridiculous! But…the bed is so big without him…”_

He held the pillow against his face, trying to comfort him the best way he could. _“It’s just for one night! I can stay alone for a day! I was alone before we met…”_

He sighted, sadly, thinking about Fujin and Raijin. _“But I don’t want to be alone anymore…”_

He closed the eyes and fell asleep after a short time. He was exhausted and depressed, but Zell would come back tomorrow so everything would be all right. He just had to relax and wait for his return. After one hour, he was struggling in his sleep.

_“You’re a bad boy, Seifer…”_

_“Mistress! I did my best…but I couldn’t defeat them…”_

_“You wanted to be my knight…but you aren’t fit to be it.”_

_“Forgive me Mistress…”_

_“Well…I know a way for you to be forgiven.” Edea approached and caressed Seifer’s torso with her hand._

_“Mistress…not that, please…”_

_“You say no but you always did it with me. Admit it you like it.”_

_“No, please Mistress…”_

_She sat on Seifer’s lap, unbuttoning his pants. “Liar…”_

_“Mistress…”_

_She kissed him, introducing her tongue in his mouth. Seifer had a disgusted expression on his face and tried to move away when she grabbed his arm and pushed him on the floor. She didn’t let him the time to move that she was already on the top of him, stripping the tall blond. He began to struggle but she slapped him with strength._

_“What a nasty boy!”_

_“Mistress…” begged the poor blond._

_She stripped him completely, tearing his clothes. She stopped to contemplate his strong and gorgeous body with lust, licking her bottom lip. She moved slowly and began to lick his nipples. Seifer was trembling, closing his eyes. He didn’t dare to protest because she would use strength as always. He just hoped that she would do it quickly to end this. He suddenly felt her hand strangle his throat with force._

_“You like when we do it rough, do you?”_

_She positioned on the top of him and impaled herself on his hard cock, moaning his name loudly. The more she squeezed her hand around his throat, the more he got hard. He hated this feeling: the feeling to be dominated, to be used like a vulgar fuck toy…he hated the most when Ultimecia took Matron’s appearance._

_“S..top…it…pl..ease..”_

_“Why should I? You didn’t even come.”_

_“Plea..se…”_

_“Please what? More? Farwell…”_

_She moved harder, letting Seifer’s cock penetrating her deeper and deeper in each move. He tried so badly to not come but he couldn’t restrain anymore and did it with disgust._

 He woke up abruptly. He was covered by sweat. He ran toward the bathroom and puked in the toilets as always when he did this nightmare. Usually, Zell was always there to comfort him, but this time, he was alone. He had to bear with it. He rinsed his mouth and went to the living room. He couldn’t sleep. He didn’t want to make other nightmares so he decided to stay awake until Zell’s return. But he felt he was horny. He hated to jerk off after doing this nightmare. It was as if he admitted that he liked it but he knew it wasn’t true. He never liked this…it was just a physical reaction.

“What a lame excuse! I’m pathetic!” he sighted. He started to rub his erection when he stopped, disgusted. “I won’t do that. I just need to calm down.”

He went to sit in the sofa, taking a bottle of vodka and a glass with him. Alcohol would help him to relax. He tried to think about other things, fixing the tv screen but it was as if he saw Matron’s face everywhere.

“Relax Seifer…relax…”

He finished the whole bottle and grabbed another one. _“As if a single bottle would be enough to help me!” he thought._

“I won’t do that…I need to relax…”

But when he understood he couldn’t resist any longer satisfying himself, he became furious against himself and broke the empty bottle against the coffee table. Glass was covering the table and the floor. He grabbed the broken bottle and pierced his own hands with it. He endured the pain with difficulties, crying softly. His shaking hands were covered by blood and some glass. He squeezed his fists to hurt him more. The physical pain would help him to forget his disgusting drive. Plus, he couldn’t rub himself with injured hands…that was what he thought. But it was useless. He needed to come, his erection growing up again and again. He started to walk toward the bathroom, feeling sick but he fell on the floor because of his ebriety. He was on his stomach, face against the cold floor. He sighted, crying. He took his hard cock with one of his hand and began to stroke it with force. It hurt him because of his injuries and he had some glass in his hand what which hurt his organ when he rubbed it. He was in pain physically and emotionally. In addition of that, he started to vomit again because of the alcohol he had consumed and because he remembered what Ultimecia did to him. After several and interminable strokes he came. He collapsed, still on the floor, whispering.

“Zell…come back…”

 

* * *

 

Zell was in the train. His Ma tried to call him several times but he refused to talk to her after their quarrel. He was particularly angry against her. His Ma always had been his first confident. He trusted her and he hoped that she could give him some support to make accept his relation with Seifer to the others. But he was really depressed. If his Ma didn’t approve him, he knew Squall and the rest of the gang wouldn’t do it. He sighted and grabbed his cell phone to call his lover. He was surprised that Seifer didn’t answer. It wasn’t too late in the night, and he said he would call him later. He shrugged after few minutes and put his phone on his pocket.

“Maybe he’s tired and already asleep?” said Zell to himself.

He sat comfortably in his armchair and closed his eyes. The road was a bit longer. He woke up few hours later when he heard the ring announcing the arrival.

_“Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please: we’ll arrive soon in Timber Station. Please to check to not forget anything on board. Thanks to have traveled with us and we hope that you have enjoyed your journey.”_

Zell got up and waited for the terminus. When the train arrived, he left the station to rent a car. Dollet wasn’t too far away from there. He didn’t have the choice anyway because there wasn’t any train or bus to reach Dollet at this hour. Plus, the car was a faster way. He didn’t waste any time and left the city. He bypassed Obel lake, East Academy station and reached the small town two hours later. He let the car at the entrance of the city and went to his home. He noticed the lights were on when he gave a glance to the third floor from the streets, so it meant that Seifer was awake. Zell frowned and wondered why he didn’t reply or call him back when he tried to call him. He entered in the small building and reached his apartment. He could hear the tv.

“Seifer? I’m here!” said Zell to announce himself. He was on the corridor, taking his shoes off. The tall blond didn’t reply. “Seifer?”

Zell went to the living room, worried when he jumped with fear, seeing Seifer half naked, lying on his stomach, face on the floor, unconscious. He ran toward him and grabbed his waist.

“SEIFER!” He shook his body to make him react but the tall blond didn’t respond. Zell checked his breath then his pulse and sighted in relieved that he was alive. He touched his face and understood that he vomited because of the white liquid on his mouth and on the floor. But he panicked when he saw his injured hand, covered by blood and glass. His penis seemed to be injured too.

“Seifer! Wake up! What happened?”

Zell looked around him and detected the empty and broken bottles of vodka. Seifer drank…a lot. It didn’t take a long time to understand what happened to him for Zell. Seifer had probably made a nightmare and drank hoping to relax. But he wondered why he hurt himself. Did he try to commit suicide?

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you alone…” whispered Zell, crying.

 

* * *

When Seifer opened his eyes, he was in his bed. Zell was cuddled against him, his arms enrolled around his waist. The light of the day made him blinke and his headache was a real torture. He began to struggle when Zell woke up.

“Seif? How are you?”

“My head hurts like hell…”

“I can guess! You drank too much yesterday…”

“When did you come back?”

“Yesterday, late on the night. How are your hands?”

Seifer looked at his fists, which were covered by bandages. He tried to collect his memories to recall how he did that to himself. “It hurts a bit but it’s bearable…”

“What about your penis?”

The tall blond blinked. “What?”

“Your penis was covered by blood and you had some injuries because of the glass…”

Seifer closed his eyes and seemed to recall. Yes, he jerked off with his injured hands before collapsing. “It’s okay…I don’t feel anything.”

“Good…” sighted Zell relived. “I was so worried for you…” He kissed his lover on the cheek. “When I came back, I found you unconscious on the floor. There was vomit, blood and glass everywhere…”

“I’m sorry…”

“Yes, you can be sorry! What happened to you?”

Seifer felt ashamed. He didn’t want to tell him but he owed him it. “I made…a nightmare again and…I don’t know…I lost control…”

Zell was depressed. He fixed his boyfriend with concern. “Did…did you try to…” he couldn’t finish his sentence but Seifer understood what he wanted to say.

“No! I just…”

“You just what?”

“I just…I was horny after that dream and I didn’t want to…you know what I mean? I tried to relax, drinking but it didn’t work. I became crazy and mad to not be able to restrain myself so…I cut my hands with the glass of the broken bottle…I thought if I was injured I couldn’t jerk off…but in the end I did it…and I don’t know what happened next…”

“DAMMIT SEIFER!” yelled Zell, angry.

The tall blond looked down. “I’m so sorry Zell…”

The martial artist grabbed his lover’s face and fixed him in the eyes. “Do not ever do that again!!” His voice was trembling. He had tears on his eyes. “Dammit…I thought you were dead…you scared me…”

“Forgive me baby… I was too drunk to understand what I was doing…”

Zell put his head on his chest, crying. “I panicked when I saw you…I called the emergencies on the nights, but the doctor told me you were fine…”

“You…you called the emergencies???”

“Of course! What should I have done? I didn’t know what happened to you. I was terrified…”

“Terrified?”

“Terrified to lose you, idiot! I let you alone one night and you hurt yourself!”

“How many times should I tell you that I’m sorry?”

“I don’t want your apologies, Seifer! Just…just let me help you and stop acting like you were alone…”

Seifer became pissed. “I’m not a kid, Zell! I can take care of myself alone.”

“Yes! And you did a good job!”

“Very funny!”

“I’m not trying to be funny! I’m serious, you know?”

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And you think it’s a better way to keep it for you? Seifer, talk to me. I want to help you.”

“I know…but you can’t do anything for me.” The gunbladist hid his face with his hands. “Maybe I overreact all the time with this shit, but I can’t control myself…I felt so disgusting.”

“It’s normal. Matron was our mother and I can’t imagine doing this kind of things with her or with my Ma…”

“You know…I didn’t feel so bad when she used Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie or Fujin’s appearance. I mean…I considered them like my sisters or my friends but it wasn’t like we were blood related or something…with Matron neither but it was different…”

Zell kept silent rubbing Seifer’s hair gently.

“When I’ve been sent to the orphanage, she has been so kind with me even when I was nasty. I felt safe and loved with her. I missed Matron at the Garden. I thought about her all the time and…I was so happy to see her again at Timber. To become her protector, her knight was my dream. It was my manner to thank her and to tell how much I loved her…but not in this way…I mean I loved her like a son…I could have done anything for her…but not that…”

“I know Seifer, I know…you had a special bond with her and Ultimecia broke it. It’s not your fault…”

Seifer took Zell’s hand and squeezed it. “I shouldn’t be so weak thinking about this…”

“You’ve been raped Seifer. This is not insignificant…”

“Don’t say stupid things, Zell! I was the one who raped her. She didn’t know what she was doing since she was possessed.”

“You couldn’t fight her or defend yourself. Did you want to do it?”

“No! I mean…I say no but…”

“I know. You were hard when she touched you, but you didn’t want to do it, right?”

“No…I didn’t want to…”

“So, she forced you. It’s a rape if you weren’t willing. Everybody would have reacted the same way as you.”

“I know you’re right…but it’s hard to accept.”

“I can guess…” The tattooed man enrolled his arm around Seifer’s shoulders to comfort him.

“What should I do then?”

“Let me help you. I’ll be there when you’ll feel bad. I’ll listen to you when you’ll want to talk. I’ll comfort you when you’ll be sad. I’ll be there.”

Seifer put his head on Zell’s shoulder. “How can you be so kind and patient with me when I never stopped to harass you in the past?”

“You know…I realized everyone used to make fun of me, even if you were particularly irritating!” he replied smirking. “But you were the only one I always hated. I never have been mad against anybody except you…Squall has been rude and distant with me but I never hated him for that, unlike you…it’s unfair.”

“I deserved your hatred.”

“ Squall either…and in the end, you’re the only one I found when I needed help. I’m not lonely anymore.”

“You still have your friends and your mother.”

“And you still have Raijin and Fujin.”

“Yes…” sighted Seifer, grabbing Zell by the waist. “But you’re the one I need.”

“Same for me.”

They kissed each other slowly. There was nothing to disturb them; no one to judge them; just the two of them, holding each other. Zell got up.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yes.”

“Stay here. I’m gonna prepare something. Wanna share a breakfast with me in the bed?”

“With pleasure!”

“Good. Have some rest.”

The martial arstist was about to leave when Seifer called him.

“Zell?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you come back so early from Balamb? Something happened with your mother?”

“No…I was just worried when I saw you didn’t answer me.”

Seifer wasn’t convinced at all but he didn’t want to argue with him. He had planned to stay the whole day and to sleep at his home.

“Did you tell her about us?”

Zell smiled and approached. He kissed him quickly before leaving. “No, don’t worry…I didn’t have the time. Lie down a bit. You look tired.”

When Zell left the room, Seifer’s face changed of expression, whispering sadly. “You’re lying so bad, Zell…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is a long chapter with a lot of events. I hope you will like it!

The Garden was on the sea, leaving Estharian coasts. After few months, they finally finished their mission and returned to Balamb. Squall took the opportunity to share some moments with his father, even if their relationship was still a bit complicated. Selphie loved Esthar so she enjoyed with Rinoa and Irvine to visit the town. Quistis had worked with Xu and Nida during the whole mission, to prepare the seed exam, so she hadn’t seen Squall a lot these last days.

On the road, she joined Squall in his bedroom.

“Squall?”

“I’m here.”

“Do I disturb you?”

“No. I was about to call Zell but I’ll do it later. We didn’t see each other since we came to Esthar.”

“Yes…” she sat on the bed, close to him and kissed him passionately. “I missed you…”

“Me too…”

They lay down together on the bed, kissing and hugging each other tenderly. Squall began to unzip her shirt, caressing her breast softly. She stroked his brown hair with her thin fingers, enjoying his kisses on her neck and the touches on her skin.

“How are things between you and Laguna?”

“Mmmmh…it could be worse, it could be better…” replied Squall taking her clothes off and kissing her.

“I see…I won’t bother you with this if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s not what I meant…I just missed you and this isn’t the right time to think or to talk about it…”

“You’re right…” she replied suggestively.” We have better things to do now…”

She stripped him and began to rub his pants between his legs. She could feel his erection with her hand. She unbuttoned his pants, taking out his cock before sucking and rubbing it slowly. Squall closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling and looked at her. She excited him with her slender body. He touched her skin and reached the end of her back with his hands. Her flesh was so white and soft that he couldn’t resist touching it all the time. He regretted often she wore so many clothes every day but even with it, she was sexy. 

“Let go…I wanna touch you too.” He said.

She stopped, smiling and lay down on her back. Squall spread her legs and approached his head to her breast to lick her nipples slowly. She moaned grabbing the back of his head when she felt his fingers rubbing her clitoris.

“More…Squall…gimme more…”

“As you wish…”

* * *

 

Xu was in her office when someone knocked at her door.

“Come in.”

“Hi Xu!”

“Rinoa! How are you?”

“Not bad at all…what about you?”

“Just working, as always. Can I help you?”

“Yes…hum, I wonder if the Garden could let me go to Timber before going to Balamb. It’s been a while since I didn’t see Watts and Zone.”

“I’m not opposed. You should ask to Nida.”

“Yes. I was looking for him but I couldn’t find him.”

“He’s probably with his girlfriend now…”

“I see…” she sighted depressed and sat in front of Xu. “Don’t you feel lonely, Xu?”

The brunette seemed to be embarrassed. She wasn’t used to talk about her feelings with another person that Quistis but Rinoa was probably the person who could understand her the most.

“Yes…”

“Don’t you have someone who interest you?”

“Maybe but…”

“Tell me! Who is it?”

“Hum…you won’t tell anybody?”

“Promised!”

She put her documents on her desk and approached to talk softly. “The joker of the CC group. I played with him sometimes and he’s pretty nice…”

“Did you talk with him?”

“Not yet. I wanted to ask him to go out with me on the town when we’ll come back to Balamb.”

“Good! I hope it will work between you two!”

“I hope too. What about you?”

“Ah…I’m not lucky with men…I mean, Seifer, Squall…”

“I see…”

“But…you know, I have a crush on somebody, but I know it’s not a good idea…”

“What do you mean? Who is it?”

“I can’t tell you because it’s really embarrassing…I trust you but I don’t know what to do with it…I know I should give up but…”

“Why?”

“Because he’s older than me and…it’s complicated…”

“Okay…If you don’t want to tell me, I understand but you shouldn’t give up if you like him. What about him?”

“I don’t know…do you think I should tell him?”

“Of course! You have the right to be happy too, why not?”

“Because…if it works between us, people wouldn’t accept our relationship. I know it…”

“Why? Is he famous?”

“Kind of…”

“Okay…I won’t ask you more. Why do you care anyway? Nobody has the right to judge you. Go ahead and think about yourself first. You always did everything for everyone : for your resistance group in Timber and you always help Selphie and Irvine with their problems. Be selfish for once!”

She smiled happily. “You’re right! I’m gonna do it! Thanks for encouraging me Xu!”

“You’re welcome. I’m gonna tell Nida to let you at Timber first.”

“Thanks. I’m leaving. I don’t want to disturb you with your work.”

“I finished anyway. I’m gonna go to the cafeteria to eat something. Wanna join me?”

“Sure!”

“Great. We could talk about your mysterious crush this way…”

They laughed together and left the office walking toward the elevator. They started to become close lately and it was a good thing because Quistis wanted to stay with Squall a bit more.

 

* * *

 

Quistis went out of the shower, drying her hair with a towel. Squall was reading a book when his cell phone rang.

“Who is it?”

“Dunno…I never saw this number before.” He picked up the phone. “Hello?”

_“Squall? This is Marie Dincht. Zell’s mother. Do I disturb you?”_

“Oh, Miss Dincht! Hello. How are you? Don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m just surprised you called me…”

_“I called the Garden and they gave me your personal number.”_

“I see…what can I do for you?”

_“Are you gonna come back soon to Balamb?”_

“We’re on the road. We should arrive on the afternoon. Why?”

_“Hum…did you talk to Zell, lately?”_

“I called him last week. He seemed to be fine. Something’s wrong?”

_“You know…he met someone.”_

“Ah? He didn’t tell me about this. Who is she?”

_“Oh…so you don’t know?”_

“What?”

_“He said it to me the last time he came to Balamb for my birthday, about two weeks ago…and we argued. I’ve tried to call him every day but he’s mad at me and never answers or calls me back…I don’t know what to do…”_

“Really? Why did you argue together? Was it about his girlfriend?”

Quistis approached, looking at Squall frowning.

_“Squall…it’s not a girl…but, that’s not the problem…I’m more preoccupied about the person with he’s going out that the fact that it is a man…”_

“A man???” blinked Squall.

_“Yes…but as I told you, I don’t really care about this…”_

“Who…who is he?”

_“I shouldn’t tell you but I thought maybe you could convince him that it’s not a good match for him…I’m so worried. Maybe he would listen to you since you’re his best friend…”_

“Tell me.”

 

* * *

 

Quistis went to the platform to see Nida.

“Nida?”

“Hi Quistis! We’ll be at Balamb in few hours. Rinoa asked to make a small detour to let her at Timber and Xu agreed.”

“It’s fine. We’re not going to Balamb anyway so it’s a good thing.”

“Ah? Why do you mean?”

“Bring us to Dollet.”

“Why? Is it for another mission?”

“No. it’s personal.”

“What is so personal?” asked a voice. It was Selphie. She used the elevator to come to the platform but Quistis was too preoccupied to notice her.

“Selphie! Where are the others?”

“Irvine and Rinoa are with Matron and Xu, at the cafeteria.”

“Let’s join them.”

They left the second floor and reached the hall. Selphie was worried. She never had seen Quistis so thoughtful.

“Quisty? What’s wrong? You seem so serious. Is there something wrong with Squall?”

“No…it’s about Zell. I asked Nida to let us at Dollet.”

“Zell? What happened with him?”

“His mother called Squall to tell him something. I’m gonna explain everything when everyone will be there…”

“Okay…”

“Quistis!” it was Squall. He approached running toward her and Selphie. “Did you ask Nida?”

“Yes. I was about to join the others to tell them. You come with us?”

“Yes. Let’s go.”

“Whoa!!! You’re scaring me!! What’s so wrong with Zell?”

“Let’s go to the cafeteria. Don’t worry, he’s fine, Selphie.” Reassured Quistis.

They met the others at the cafeteria. Matron, Xu and Rinoa were talking and laughing together when they saw Quistis, Selphie and Squall.

“Guys? We have to talk.”

* * *

 

 

 

Zell was working on a sword since the morning. His customer asked him to improve his weapon quickly so he had started early. He was exhausted when Seifer arrived at the shop. Zell was too focused on his job to notice his presence when his lover put a big mug of coffee in front of him.

“You should make a pause…you look terrible.”

“I know but I’m almost done.” He took the coffee and added sugar. “Thanks.”

“I brought you something to eat if you want…” he held him a little paper bag with two croissants.

“That’s so kind of you…” he got up and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll remember that for tonight…”

“Why tonight? Why not now?” replied seductively Seifer. He started to kiss him on the neck when Zell moved away.

“No, no! I’ve a lot of work today! If you begin to distract me, there’s no way I could finish everything…”

“Lame excuse! Come here!”

“No Seif! I told you…” but his lover didn’t let him the time to finish talking that he was already kissing him with all of his mouth. “Seif…please…”

“What? More?”

“No…less…I really need to work now…the customer is going to come at the end of the morning to take his sword…”

“Mmmmh…but I want you so badly now…” replied the tall blond with a sorrowful look.

“What is that look?”

“You can’t resist me when I use my puppy dog eyes…”

“You’re so cute when you do this…but seriously, I really need to finish this, please.” He kissed him. “When I’m done with the sword, I’ll give you a little surprise…and a big one tonight…”

“A big one?”

“Yes…”

“What is it?”

“You have to wait until tonight…but you’re gonna like it!”

Seifer released him, pissed. “You better have a good thing for me because I’ll tie you to the bed and I’ll rape you all the week if I don’t like it…”

“Don’t worry for this…”

Seifer let him work in peace. “I’m gonna make stuff up and see what I can do.”

“Thanks. See you later.”

After two hours, Zell finished. He joined Seifer in the other room. He was working on a rifle, cleaning the canon.

“Are you done?”

“Yes. What are you doing?”

“I checked the important requests. I saw this one. The customer let you his rifle because it didn’t work anymore. I repaired it.”

“Thanks! I was about to ask you since you know how to deal with these weapons, using Hyperion.”

“Yes. I’m done in few minutes.”

“Take your time. I’m gonna buy something to eat. I wanted to go to the restaurant but it’s raining so…”

“We’ll go another day.”

“Fine. What do you want for lunch?”

“I don’t mind. Choose what you want.”

“Okay.” He gave a quick kiss to his lover and left the shop. Seifer continued his job. After few minutes, he finished, he went to the washbasin. His hands were covered by oil. He washed his hands when he heard someone entering in the shop. He supposed it was Zell because customers usually didn’t come during lunchtime.

“That was fast! It’s still raining, is it not?” he turned around but froze when he saw Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa.

“Where’s Zell?” asked coldly Squall.

Seifer didn’t reply immediately. He was about to answer when another person moved and approached.

“Seifer?” It was Edea. She was wearing her black dress with her long black hair down.

When the tall blond saw her, he panicked and moved away. He hit the washbasin, then the wall behind him. He seemed to be terrified.

“Stay…stay away from me…” he murmured. He continued to move away until he reached the other room without noticing.

She didn’t understand his reaction but she continued to approach. “Seifer…it’s me…Matron…”

Suddenly, the blond curled in a ball and hid his head with his hands. “GET AWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” he shouted.

“Seifer! Calm down…”

But he began to tremble. He ran away from her and hid in a corner of the room. The group blinked when they noticed the blond started to cry.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Rinoa went to him and tried to calm him. “What’s wrong with you Seifer?”

“LET ME GO! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!” he continued to cry.

Squall and the rest of the group were in shock. They didn’t recognize the arrogant man they used to know. He seemed to be so fragile, so weak…as if he became a child again. Matron approached again and touched his hair, trying to comfort him.

“Easy, easy…Darling. You’re safe. Don’t be so scared…”

But Seifer screamed with horror and pushed her away, terrified. “DON’T! DON’T TOUCH ME!!!! PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO…I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN…”

He shook his head and struggled with strength, as if he wanted to escape from a grip.

“Seifer, relax! Nobody even touched you…” said Quistis.

But he didn’t stop crying and yelling. He couldn’t contain his fear and was trembling so hard that Squall and Irvine went closer to grab him by the arms.

“Seifer! Stop it!” said Squall.

He released himself and continued to struggle, screaming. Each time he saw Edea, he was shouting louder. He was so scared that he hit the wall behind him with the back of his head. He hit himself harder in each move. The others began to panic since he was completely unstoppable.

“Seifer! Stop it! You’re bleeding!!!” yelled Rinoa.

“What’s wrong with him?” asked Selphie disoriented.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! ZELL!!! HELP ME!!! ZELL!!!”

They heard someone running when they finally saw Zell. “Seifer?”

The martial artist blinked and ran toward his lover, worried. “What are you doing to him? Leave him alone!!” he shouted angrily. He approached quickly and pushed the others away from Seifer.

“Seifer! Calm down. I’m here, now…”

“ZELL!!! SHE’S THERE!!! SHE’S THERE!!!”

“It’s okay…” he hugged him tightly but Seifer was still in panic. He couldn’t stop crying and shouting. Zell caressed his hair when he felt blood on his fingers. He turned around to fix the others with a suspicious look.

“What did you do to him??”

“Nothing! We came in the shop and he panicked. We’ve tried to cool him down but he hit himself, hitting his head with the wall…” replied Irvine.

“ZELL!! ZELL!!! DON’T LET ME ALONE!!” begged Seifer, still shaking.

“Zell? What’s wrong with him?” asked Matron.

The martial artist glared at her with hatred. “Get away from him! All of you and especially you, Matron!”

“But…”

“You’re terrifying him, don’t you see it? Leave!”

“Zell…”

“I SAID : LEAVE!!!” He held Seifer in his arms.” I’m here Seif…breathe slowly…”

“Zell…help me…” murmured Seifer. He suddenly struggled and vomited on the floor. Zell took a tissue in his pocket and held it to Seifer to let him wipe his mouth.

“I’m here…it’s okay…” he whispered to his ear. After several minutes, his lover seemed to distress...The martial artist turned his head to the group. They didn’t leave. They were still confused. “I’ll call you later but please leave now. He needs to relax…” he said softly.

Squall nodded and made a sign with his head to the others. They left them alone.

“Zell…” called Seifer again and again.

“They left. You’re safe now. Don’t worry, okay?”

“But…”

“I won’t let anybody hurt you again…I’m here, so relax.”

* * *

 

 

The group went to the Shining Bamboo Pub. They didn’t want to leave Dollet before had seen Zell. They needed an explanation. Everybody kept silent when Selphie decided to talk.

“It was really crazy! I never saw Seifer like this!”

“Yes…he was completely scared…” agreed Rinoa.

“Scared you say? You mean terrified!” corrected Quistis.

“Maybe something happened to him during time compression?” suggested Irvine.

“I’m not sure about this. We saw him with Raijin and Fujin at Balamb after the war. He seemed to be fine…” replied Squall.

“It doesn’t mean anything…anyway, where’re Fujin and Raijin?” told Rinoa.

“Dunno…”

Edea kept silent, looking her glass sadly. She finally spoke. “I think it’s my fault…”

“What do you mean Matron?” demanded Quistis.

“He was surprised to see all of you, but when he saw me, he panicked…”

“Maybe it’s because you controlled him when you were possessed by Ultimecia?” guessed Selphie.

“Maybe…” she sighted. “But it’s definitely my fault. Even Zell seemed to think it when he told me to move away…”

“Yes…it’s really strange.” Said Squall. “I still can’t understand how they could have fallen in love…I mean, they hated each other…”

“Do you think we should try to return to talk to them?” asked Quistis.

“I wanted to talk to Zell but after what happened, we shouldn’t insist. Let’s wait Zell’s call; we’ll see.”

“Yes…I hope Seifer is okay.” Concluded Matron, looking through the window the rain outside.

* * *

 

 

Seifer and Zell returned to their home. The tall man was particularly tense and sick after his reunion with Matron and the others. He didn’t stop vomiting all the night. Zell gave him a pill to help him to sleep. He stayed cuddled with him until he was completely asleep. He left the bedroom to reach the living room. He looked at his cell phone; Squall tried to call him all the day after they met at the shop but he didn’t reply. In fact, he was angry against him because he should have told him he would come, especially with Matron. But he knew that Squall didn’t do anything wrong since he had no idea about his relationship with Seifer. Zell hated to see his lover in that state and it was hard to just stay by his side without being able to do anything to help him. The only thing he could do when Seifer was suffering like this was to be there to comfort him. He tried to convince him to see a doctor but the he was too proud to accept it. He had done a big effort to tell Zell what happened to him during the war. He couldn’t confess to anybody else. It was too hard. But the martial artist felt useless. With the time, he noticed some amelioration of his mental health but after the incident in the shop, Squall and the rest of the group ruined all his efforts to help Seifer to get better.

Zell sat on the sofa, thinking. He looked at his messages on his cell phone. His mother let him another one. He deleted it without reading. He was still mad at her but on the same time, he missed her. It was the first time in his life that he argued with his mother. He didn’t like this situation but he wanted that she accepted Seifer. He knew that if she could see how much Seifer loved him, she would change her mind but she refused to understand. Seifer was still the sorceress’ knight, Ultimecia’s lapdog for everyone. They didn’t know anything. He turned off the tv and returned to his bedroom with his lover. Seifer was still sleeping. His face had a nervous expression, as if he was doing a nightmare. Zell joined him in the bed and took him in his arms, stroking his hair gently.

“I’m here, Seifer…don’t be afraid…” whispered Zell to his ear. He could hear Seifer sighting in relief when he felt his lover’s arms around him.

* * *

 

 

One week later, Squall was still waiting for Zell’s call. The martial artist didn’t answer him and avoided all his friends. He became more and more pissed every day. Nobody dared visit him at Dollet after what happened, even if they were still worried for the two men, especially Zell’s mother for his son. She called Squall again to have some news but he told her he didn’t have the time to talk with her son the last time. He promised her to contact her later. The tall brunette was fighting in the training center when Quistis joined him.

“Squall?”

“Hi.”

The blond approached and crossed her arms against her chest. “I suppose Zell didn’t call you…”

“You suppose correctly.” He cleaned his gunblade. “I wanna go to Dollet. I need to talk with him.”

“But…”

“We’re still in Galbadia. I’ll take a car.”

“Can I come with you?”

“I’m not opposed but don’t say it to Matron. I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring her with us.”

“Where are you going?” asked another voice.

“Irvine? What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for Selphie. So? Where are you going?”

“Dollet.”

“To visit Zell? Did he call you?”

“Yes and no.” replied Squall.

“Huh?”

The brunette rolled his eyes. “Yes, we’re going to visit him and, no, he didn’t call me.”

“I see…can I come with you?”

“What about Selphie?”

“Do you think we should bring her with us?”

“Do you know where she is?”

“I saw her at the library. I’m gonna tell her. Let’s meet at the parking.” Suggested Quistis.

“Fine.”

 

After few minutes, the four friends met at the parking and took a car. Rinoa was visiting Zone and Watts to Timber but she called the others and decided to joined them to visit Zell. The group picked at her on the road. The Garden had moved to the continent to meet the new headmaster of Galbadia Garden. They left the Bgu and reached Dollet after two hours. It was a shinny day. It was the beginning of the touristic season and a lot of people were coming to visit Galbadia cities, especially Dollet and Deling City. During the road, they could see the train arriving at Dollet Station.

“Do you think Seifer is with Zell?” asked Selphie.

“Probably. I still wonder what happened the last day…” replied Irvine.

“Matron is right. I think Seifer reacted badly when he saw her. Since she’s not with us today, I hope things would be alright.” Said Quistis.

“Who cares anyway? We don’t come to see him but Zell.” Added Squall coldly.

Quistis didn’t answer. She knew that her boyfriend was mad and pissed. Plus, he was right. Seifer was still considered as the enemy and no one understood what happened to him to fall in love with the man he used to hate the most. She stayed quiet during the rest of the road, as the others. They arrived and let the car at the entrance of the city. They walked toward the Nautilus and entered.

“Welcome. Can I help you?” said Zell who was still on his back. He seemed to be alone today.

“Definitely.”

He recognized Squall’s voice and turned around. “What are you doing here?”

“I was waiting for your call but you never answered or called me back.”

“I was busy…”

“Me too! Do you think I’m in holidays? I took some of time in my work to visit you.”

“I asked nothing.” Replied Zell coldly.

“Zell! Why are you like this with us?” asked Squall.

“Are you mad for the last time?” demanded Selphie.

“Yes. You should have told me you were coming, especially with Matron.”

“What’s so wrong with Matron? Where’s Seifer anyway?”

“He’s hunting monsters. He wasn’t feeling very well these days, thanks to you.”

“Okay…before talking about your relationship with him, I want to know what happened the last time; why did he react like this when he saw us and what’s the problem with Matron?”

Zell put his items on his desk. He was particularly irritated. “First of all, I’ve nothing to justify to you. Seifer is my lover and even if it’s surprising and unexpected, I don’t ask your opinion. To answer to your question, you should ask to Matron what she did to him during the war.”

“I don’t understand…”

“I can’t tell you. Seifer trusts me and made me promise to never say a word to anybody about that. But, it’s better for him if he doesn’t see Matron anymore. You saw what kind of reaction he could have if it happens again.”

“That’s all what you can tell us?” said Irvine.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Okay…so it’s because of Matron. But what about you? I thought you hated Seifer? We even didn’t know you were gay.” Told Selphie.

“Me neither…I think he made me realize it, but I’m bi, in fact…”

“BUT WHY SEIFER?” shouted Squall. “Did you forget who is he?”

“I told you I’ve nothing to justify to anybody! I don’t give a shit about your opinion! If you’ve got a problem with that, I don’t care!”

“Zell…please. We can talk calmly. How did you meet him again? Where are Fujin and Raijin?” asked Quistis.

The tattooed man returned to his chair and sat. “Fujin is an instructor at Galbadia Garden and Raijin is living with a girl in Fisherman’s horizon. Seifer didn’t see them since three years.” He took his watch to see what time it was to close the shop. “When I opened the shop, Seifer came one day. He wanted to buy a potion. He came back a week later to sell me some rare items but I didn’t have enough money to buy it. He proposed me to make a deal : I kept his items and I gave him half the price. With the time, we became associates, friends…and lovers. He helped me a lot and he comforted me when I told him about my last mission. He’s not the one we used to know…in fact, I think we never knew him…he’s completely different of what you can think…”

“So he was this man? You talked about him when I called you earlier. Why didn’t you tell me who he was?” demanded Squall.

“Because I knew you would have reacted this way! My mother did the same when I told her about Seifer…”

“We know. She called me when we were on the road to return to Balamb.”

Zell blinked. “She…told you? That’s why you came? She asked you to convince me to break up with him?”

“Zell, she’s worried for you. All of us either. You know this relationship with Seifer will end badly…” began to say Quistis when she was cut.

“YOU KNOW NOTHING!”

“ZELL!!” shouted Squall. “Seifer is a criminal and a traitor! He betrayed us to follow Ultimecia. He tried to kill us more than once! How can you be so understanding? Are you blind???”

The martial artist got up, throwing his chair behind him. “HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT?”

“You know it’s the truth. You were there, Zell. You saw what he did!!”

“You talk as if he was alone! Did you forget it was Matron’s fault at the beginning? She dragged him in this shit! He just wanted to help Rinoa at Timber!”

“But he followed her!”

“He recognized Matron. He wanted to protect her. He didn’t know about Ultimecia! Did you ever imagine that he could have been controlled too when he was with her?”

“Sorceresses can control only other sorceresses, not humans. You know that.”

“You understand nothing, Squall…”

“What do you mean?”

Zell made a pause and fixed him in the eyes. “Seifer…was scared of her. He couldn’t refuse to obey her. He just followed her orders, nothing more, nothing less…Do you think he doesn’t blame himself enough for what he has done?”

“He never apologized.”

“Would you have listened anyway? You know like me nothing would have been enough, whatever he would have said.” He looked down sadly. “People made him pay enough for what he did.”

“What does it mean?”

Zell sighted. “He was homeless when I met him. He didn’t eat since a whole week and was really thin. He was sleeping in a cavern. He didn’t have money to rent a place, to stay at the hotel or to buy food. He even didn’t have enough to buy his potion when he came to my shop. Nobody wanted to hire him…”

“But…why he didn’t stay with Raijin and Fujin?” asked Quistis.

“He wanted their happiness. Raijin met this girl and he thought it was the time to let him go. For Fujin, it’s another story…but he knew that if they stayed with him, he would have ruined their lives.”

“He doesn’t care to ruin yours! He took you away from your own mother…without talking about us!” complained Squall.

Zell became furious. “You know what Squall? When we started to date, he asked me if I was sure that I wanted to stay with him. He was worried that I would have to choose between my friends, my mom and him and he didn’t want this. I thought all of you respected me enough to understand my choice and that you would be happy for me, even if Seifer isn’t your best friend…I believed you would think about my happiness first…”

“Zell, what did you expect? We’re talking about Seifer Almasy!” exclaimed Squall.

“Why do you care anyway? It’s my life!”

“I don’t want to see you suffer!”

“You never cared about me!”

Squall froze. “How…can you say that?”

“Come on, Squall! Don’t deny it! You never gave a shit about me. Each time I’ve tried to talk with you, you rejected me. You never wanted my friendship since the beginning…”

“It’s not true!”

“Did you ever shake my hand? Did you ever say something nice to me? Because, in my case, I don’t remember.”

Squall blushed. “You know…how I am…”

“It depends on who is concerned! You went so far for Rinoa; you comforted Selphie when she was depressed after the destruction of Trabia Garden, or even when you met her, you always have been kind with her; you were rude with Quistis but now you never leave her side; You even comforted Irvine when he failed killing Matron at Deling City…but what about me?”

“Squall saved you when you were in danger in D-district Prison!” complained Quistis.

“Yeah and what? I was the one who released all of you in the prison!”

“But we care about you…that ‘s why we don’t want you suffer!” replied Irvine.

“Cut with this shit, Irvine! You know it’s not true. No one…no one cared about me. Do you believe that I don’t know what all of you think about me?”

“Zell…why are you so bitter against us?” demanded Rinoa.

“I needed…support. I needed my friends. I hoped that people would consider me a bit more, but I found no one when I was looking for help.” He fixed each of them at their turn, in the eyes. “Squall always has been the cool guy, the perfect man, Irvine the gentleman and the killer-lady, and me? I was just me! The good friend! Yeah! You know, the one that nobody wants but who can do everything for the others! So fucking great! I’m a fighter as you! I fought against Ultimecia too but I never deserved you respect!!!” shouted Zell.

“What are you talking about? When did we ever disrespect you?” asked Irvine annoyed.

“You talk about the time you seduced the library girl knowing that I had a crush for her?”

Irvine blinked. “Wh…what?”

“You really thought I didn’t know? Was she good in bed, Irvy? It’s nice to see that you respected Squall enough to have stopped to seduce Rinoa when you understood they were in love together, but you didn’t do the same for me!”

Irvine looked down ashamed.

“What about you Rinoa? You know this time when we were on the forest to reach Galbadia Garden? You said to Squall that he should support the **WEAK** ones of his team when I asked him if the Garden would be out of danger. “THE WEAK ONE”!! It’s all what I was for you? The fucking coal nut!!!”

“No! Zell, you misunderstood…it wasn’t what I wanted to say…” tried to explain Rinoa.

“You always saw me like that! I’m not a kid who needs to be cuddled!! I was there to help you with Squall. I made another ring for you. I played cupid for you two. Did you ever think about me when I was alone, at the Garden? Did you ever try to talk to me, just as a friend when you didn’t need me?”

“Zell…”

“What about you Selphie? You only came to me to ask to work for your fucking party committee or to help you with Irvine when you argued together!!”

“Hey!!” protested Selphie, angry.

“Quistis…my dear instructor! I remember how proud you were when you talked about Squall! “It’s my best student!!” But what about me? “Dincht? Oh…he’s a bit lively…yeah, he does his best but he doesn’t know how to control his emotions…he’s also a bit stupid…he can’t stay on the same place more than twenty seconds and he’s so noisy…” And after that, you had just Squall in your mind! I could have died in front of you that you wouldn’t have cared!”

“You’re wrong! I never thought that of you!!” objected Quistis. 

“BUT YOU SAID IT!”

“What?”

“I heard you talking with the other instructors after the seed exam!! Too bad, huh? Who’s fucking stupid now, Trepe?”

“Don’t talk to her like that! And stop blaming everyone!!!” yelled Squall.

“What? You thought I forgot you, Squall? Don’t worry…well, you’re probably the most selfish guy I ever met in my life! I want Ellone…I want Rinoa…I don’t wanna have friend because I will suffer…I don’t need the others…it always has been “you” and “you” again!!! I was so happy to be in your team for the seed exam but the only thing you thought at this time was to change of partner!! Sorry to never have been good enough to be your friend, my dear!!! Do you think you’re so fucking perfect?”

“Fuck you! Who do you think you are to blame us like this? I didn’t come here to be insulted!” said Squall.

“I never asked you to come. Feel free to leave whenever you want!”

“I suppose you think your precious boyfriend is so smart, huh? You were desperate at this point to choose this failure? Good job, Zell! You fuck with a murderer and a traitor, and you ask **RESPECT**? I don’t recall that Seifer has been nice with you! He was a bully and a fucking bastard with you since the beginning!! Did you forget how he treated you at the orphanage or at the Garden? How could you forget what he did to us???”

“I told you to not talk about him like that, Squall…” muttered Zell, trying to keep his cool.

“Truth hurts, does it? How could you be so understanding with him and so bitter toward us? We never hurt you like he did.”

“Your indifference hurt me more than Seifer’s insults…”

“Don’t say that…” whispered Rinoa.

“I didn’t forget what Seifer did to me…but he was the one who cared enough about me, even if it was just to insult me. Yes, he made fun of me, he humiliated me but he made me feel existed…and when he left the Garden, I was alone. It was if I was invisible…nobody saw me. I could have run naked in the whole Garden that nobody would have noticed me…and it hurts…” Zell sat on a chair, looking down sadly. “You know what? One day, I came to the training center. I fought a t-rex but I have been injured severely. I killed him but I collapsed after that. I woke up two days later, on the same place…I returned to my dorm and I realized when I met you, guys, that, nobody noticed that I disappeared during all this time…I understood that I could have died and nobody would have cared…”

“Zell…” murmured Quistis.

“But…why didn’t you come to tell us?” asked Selphie.

“I always found excuses to you. I thought I wasn’t a child anymore and that I needed to take care of myself alone. I thought all of you had his own problems and I accepted this situation during all this time…but after the mission, I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“We supported you after this mission…”said Squall.

“But it was too late, Squall. I needed you before…” sighted Zell. “I found Seifer at this time…and he helped me. He comforted me. He said all I needed to hear without I had to ask…he found the right words and he encouraged me. Without him, I would have closed the Nautilus…and I would have probably killed myself because I felt so guilty after my last mission…”

Squall kept silent. He never thought Zell was depressed at this point when he left the Garden. All of them felt ashamed to have neglected the martial artist.

“I love Seifer, whatever you think about him, and I know he loves me. If you can’t accept my relationship with him, I don’t want to see you anymore. Time has come to be selfish and to think about myself first, so if you can’t forget the past, go back to your own life and let me live in peace with him.” Concluded Zell.

Squall was about to answer when Quistis grabbed his arm and shook her head. She knew that Squall was about to say something he would regret later. He nodded and all of them left the shop, in silence.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Few days passed. The orphanage group returned to Balamb. Squall visited Zell’s mother to tell her about the conversation he had with her son. She was disappointed because she thought, since Squall was Zell’s best friend that he could have convinced him. The martial artist still refused to answer to their calls or to see his friends or his Ma. This situation was hard for everyone and they began to blame Seifer. Squall was particularly furious against his former rival because he thought he was the reason why Zell reacted this way the last time they talked.

Squall was in the training center. He had enough to fight so he went to the secret area. There was late on the night so there was nobody there. He could see the starry night shining above his head. He fixed the sky sadly when he heard someone calling him.

“Squall?”

“Hi, Quis…”

She approached and kissed him on the cheek. “I was worried for you since you didn’t come back from the training center…”

“I just wanted to be alone…”

“Sorry…I should let you…” she began to move away when Squall grabbed her arm.

“It’s okay. You can stay.” He took her in his arms and kissed her neck. He put his chin on her shoulder.

“You think about Zell, do you?”

“Yes…” he sighted sadly. He changed of mood when he thought about Seifer. “Seifer did a good job!”

“What do you mean?”

“Zell was so depressed after his mission that this bastard brainwashed him. I’m sure he was the one who told him all this shit about respect…I hate him!!”

“Squall…”

“What? You don’t think so?”

“I know what Seifer did to us, and especially to Zell, but it doesn’t mean that he returned him against us.”

“Zell never thought about us this way before he met him again.”

“But he never told us what he felt either. Maybe, it was what he thought but he never dared to say it?”

“Don’t tell me you’re at Seifer’s side too?”

“Squall, this is not the question. You know I love you and I would never betray you. But seeing how Seifer was the last time we saw him, I don’t think he was in condition to brainwash Zell…”

“He’s a fucking malingerer!!”

Quistis sighted but didn’t add a single word. She didn’t want to argue with her boyfriend and she knew that Squall wouldn’t hear what she would say. In fact, she thought a lot about what Zell said earlier and she realized he was right. She never gave him enough attention and he felt lonely. When she didn’t see Squall coming back from the training center on the night, she panicked, thinking that something could have happened to him…and she imagined what Zell could have felt when he saw that nobody noticed his disappearance during two days. She felt ashamed…

 “Quis?”

“Oh! Sorry…I was lost in my thoughts. Did you say something?”

“No…I was just wondering why you were so sad suddenly.”

“I thought about Zell too…”

“Damn Seifer! Why doesn’t he kill himself? It would be the best thing he could do for everyone! This way, he could be useful for once!” grumbled Squall, pissed.

“Squall!” Quistis was shocked to hear her boyfriend talking this way. He wasn’t like that usually and she hated to see him like that.

“Let’s talk about anything else! They’re getting on my nerves!”

“I can see it!”

The brunette released her and put his elbows on the rail. “Laguna called me. He proposed me to go to Winhill tomorrow with him to visit my mother’s grave.”

“I see. It’s a good thing.”

“Yeah. He’s gonna come with the Ragnarok to pick me at Balamb at the morning. Selphie and Irvine want to go to Deling City and Rinoa to Timber so we’re gonna depose them before going. What about you?”

“I have to prepare some meetings with the headmaster and Xu. Do you want I come with you?”

“No, it’s okay. I prefer to go with my father alone. I just wanted to know if you needed to go somewhere tomorrow.”

“No thanks, it’s fine.”

“Good. Aren’t you a bit tired?”

“Yes. We should go to sleep. You have to be in good form if you wake up early tomorrow.”

“Fine. Let’s go back to the dorm.”

 

* * *

 

Zell finished his day and returned to his house, at the end of the afternoon. Seifer caught a cold so he stayed at home. He had fever and a big headache but he didn’t let Zell staying at home with him. He knew that his lover was worried but he had to work so he forced him to go to the shop. Seifer was waiting for him with a cup of hot tea when Zell finally arrived.

“Seifer? I’m back.”

“Welcome home. How was your day?”

“Fine…what about you? How do you feel?”

“Better. I’ve made the dinner: roast chicken and pasta with mushrooms. Sounds good?”

Zell put his hands on his hips. “I told you I would do it! You’re supposed to rest!”

“I’m not disabled you know? It’s just a cold and I feel better now. I don’t cough anymore and my temp’s coming down.” He approached and strocked Zell’s cheek with affection. “Hungry?”

“Hyne, Yes! I could eat a chocobo!”

They ate, talking about the work and other things. Zell never stopped speaking and speaking again, and Seifer noticed something was wrong with him. When Zell talked too much, it meant that he had something to hide. Plus, he observed that he was sad lately. He wanted to ask him but he knew he would lie. He fixed him with a smile trying to hide his concern. When they finished doing the dishes, they went to the living room to watch the tv. Seifer sat near of his lover and put his head on Zell’s shoulder. He decided to break the silence.

“Zell?”

“Yeah?”

“I…wanna talk.”

“Talk? About what?”

“About you.”

“Huh?”

“I think you know what I mean.”

Zell frowned. “Sorry…but no. What are you talking about?”

“You’re different since your mother’s birthday…and it became worse with the “incident” at the shop with Matron and the others. I think you hide me something.”

“Seif…I’m just…I’m still in shock after have seen you injured this day…I thought you died, and your anxiety attack the last time didn’t help me. I mean…I never saw you so disrupted and panicked before…”

“There’s more…I know it.”

“No…I told you the truth.”

“I didn’t say you lied to me. I said there’s something else you don’t tell me.” corrected the tall blond. “I thought you trusted me?”

“I do!”

“So? Why don’t you say me what’s wrong? I let you help me. It works two ways.”

Zell avoided Seifer’s eyes. He was embarrassed because he didn’t want to talk about his conversations with his Ma and with the orphanage gang. Seifer grabbed his chin, forcing him to face him.

“Look at me, Zell.”

The martial artist blushed. He took Seifer’s hand with his and kissed his fingers tenderly. “I know what you’re gonna say if I tell you…”

“Let me guess: You talked about us to your mother and she didn’t accept your relationship with me. And after what happened with matron, you had to explain it to the others and they reacted badly, right?”

“Yes…”

Seifer sighted. “I knew things were gonna turn this way…”

“It’s not your fault! I don’t care about them!”

“But I do, because I know, even if you don’t want to admit it, that it hurts you.”

“We’ve done nothing wrong okay? If we love each other, it’s nobody business!”

“You can’t turn your back to your mother and to your friends either.”

“They’re not my friends anymore.”

“What about your mom?”

“I…” Zell didn’t know what to say. Seifer shook his head sadly.

“See? You even don’t know how to answer.”

“I just need more time. I’m sure she will understand…”

“You’re lying to yourself, Zell and you know it.”

“What should I do then? I should break up with the man I love just to please them?”

“It’s probably the best thing to do…”

“No way!!”

“Zell…it won’t work…”

“It worked during all this time. We never argued and we’re happy together. Why everything should stop?”

“Because it asks you too many sacrifices. You shouldn’t have to choose between them and me.”

“They shouldn’t have asked me to choose between them and you. It’s their fault, not yours.”

“I don’t want this…”

“Seifer, please…”

“I don’t want this, Zell. I knew it would happen but I kept hope, thinking that it could be different. But it doesn’t work.”

 The tattooed man put his two hands on Seifer’s cheeks. “Don’t you love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you more than anything!!”

“Then, don’t ask me to leave you.”

“Zell…”

“Please, Seifer. I love you. I can live without my friends, even without my mom…but not without you.”

“Do you realize what you’re saying?”

“Yeah, but it’s what I think. I need you.”

“You’re crazy…”

“Yeah, crazy about you!”

Seifer smiled, laughing softly. “What can I say after that?” He kissed his lover passionately, forgetting their conversation. Zell was right after all: their story was nobody’s business.  

 

* * *

 

The next day, the Ragnarok arrived in the middle of the morning at Balamb. Squall, Irvine, Selphie and Rinoa were waiting for Laguna outside, just in front of the Garden. They went on board and talked on the road. Rinoa couldn’t stop fixing Laguna. She was fascinated by Squall’s father. He was so different of him that she wondered how the man could be his dad. He was so kind and joyful. Looking at him, he remembered her Zell and she thought about he said the last time: “time has come to think about myself first”. Xu advised her the same thing. She felt guilty because she knew Laguna was Squall’s father and he was the first love of her mother but she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She left the main room to be alone. Selphie was talking with Irvine, and Squall with Ellone. His sister wanted to come with them to visit Raine’s grave. There was a long time since she didn’t come back to Winhill and she missed that place.

Rinoa stayed alone in another place of the ship, looking at the land through the window when she herad someone called her.

“Rinoa?”

She blinked. “Oh! Laguna! Something’s wrong?”

“No…I saw you leaving the cockpit so I wondered if everything was alright for you. You seem to be sad.”

“I see…I’m fine. Thank you.”

Laguna approached and touched her hair gently. “You look like your mother…you have her smile.” She blushed, looking down. Laguna realized he was a bit cavalier. “Sorry…I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

He started to move away when she took his hand.

“Rinoa?”

She released his hand and grabbed him by the collar, kissing him deeply. The tall brunette didn’t understand immediately what happened and stayed passive during a short time when he tried to push her away. But Rinoa kept kissing him. He released himself and moved away, fixing her with a shocked look.

“Laguna…I’m sorry…”

“Wh…Why…why did you do that?”

“Because I like you. I know it’s wrong because of Squall…and because of my mom…but I can’t help it…”

“Rinoa…I could be your dad!”

“But…you’re so handsome and kind…”

“Rinoa…”

The woman moved closer and kissed him again. This time, Laguna tried to avoid her mouth but when their eyes met, he couldn’t hold himself anymore and kissed her back, pinning her to the wall behind her. She enrolled her arms around his strong shoulders and enjoyed the kiss, closing her eyes. She opened her mouth and let the tall man licking her tongue softly with his. They were in their little world, without thinking about the consequences of their acts. They didn’t care at this time. They stayed like this during a long time, sharing kisses and looks when they stopped.

“We…we should go back with the others.” Suggested Laguna.

“You’re right.” Nodded Rinoa.

They fixed each other in the eyes a last time before walking again toward the man room.

“Laguna?”

“Yes?”

Rinoa kissed him quickly and smiled without adding another word. Laguna blushed but didn’t complain. He knew he had to think about this later. They returned with the others who didn’t seem to notice their absence.

The Ragnarok landed on the land. Rinoa went outside to reach Timber. She waved at the group and smiled to Laguna. He couldn’t help to smile back. After that, they let Irvine and Selphie near of Deling City, and went to Winhill. They were walking toward the small town when they saw a car just behind the hill, near of the sea. At the beginning, they didn’t make attention but they noticed a familiar grey coat with red crosses, just on the hood of the car. Squall blinked few times and stopped in the middle of the road.

“Squall? What’s wrong?” asked Laguna.

The brunette didn’t reply and started to go to the car. Laguna and Ellone followed him, perplexed. When they arrived near of the car, they saw a tall blond man on his knees. He was cutting something on the ground with his gunblade, probably a vysage. He didn’t see them coming but when he heard someone clear his throat, he turned around.

“Seifer.”

“Squall.”

The two men fixed each other during a long time when Seifer returned to his work.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hunting.”

Squall was surprised to see how calm his former rival was. He thought he would have made fun of him, as always but he seemed to avoid conflict or discussion.

“I suppose you’re proud of you, do you?” asked sarcastically Squall.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Zell.”

Seifer froze. He tried to fake as if he didn’t hear anything but Squall could read his embarrassment. He was angry against him.

“You managed to corrupt him. You did a good job. He even doesn’t talk to his mother anymore…”

“I did nothing.”

“Of course! You’re innocent. You never did anything wrong in your whole life, Seifer!”

“I didn’t say that.”

“What was that comedy the last time with Matron?”

Seifer gasped when he heard the word “matron”. He tried to contain his disgust but it was difficult. He took the rest of the monster he had killed in the car and began to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“Leave me alone.”

“You’re gonna go back to Zell and beg for his help, as the last time?” Smiled sadistically Squall.

“Let.Me.Go.” repeated Seifer. Squall was blocking his way.

“Fucking bastard! What did you say to Zell to convince him to turn his back to us?”

Laguna tried to calm his son grabbing his arm but he released himself from his grip.

“Tell me, Almasy! I suppose it was easy since Zell was a real vegetable after having left Balamb! What did you say, huh?”

“Nothing.”

 “Liar! He hates us since you’re going out with him!”

“You made him hate you when you didn’t accept his choice.”

“What choice? You??”

“I’ve nothing to justify to you. Get out of my way.”

“Haven’t you done enough? You needed to destroy Zell too?”

Seifer became furious and pushed him away violently. “Is it so unbelievable that I can love him?”

“The same way you loved Rinoa, maybe? I saw what happened to the people you love, Seifer, I don’t want to see Zell end like this!!”

The tall blond raised his fist to punch him but stopped, changing his mind. He didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“What? Afraid Almasy?”

“Go back to your own business Leonhart. I don’t give a shit about what you think about me.”

“What a wimp you became! Look at yourself! I thought at the beginning you faked when I saw you the last time, but I realize I was wrong. You’re pitiful!”

“Squall! That’s enough! Let’s go now!” said Laguna irritated.

The brunette continued to ignore his father. “Zell deserves better than you. Don’t you understand he only stays with you because he pities you? You’re a fucking failure, a traitor and a murderer! You’re incapable to love anyone! The only thing you can do right is destroying everything around you! Zell is blind but I won’t let him ruin his life with a fucking son of bitch like you!!”

Seifer turned around and punched Squall in the face with furor. He couldn’t contain his rage anymore. He tried to ignore his insults, his reproaches but it was too hard. He wanted to jump on him and hit him with all of his strength but it was useless. He would never understand. He sighted and went on his car before leaving the place, driving fast. Laguna helped Squall to get up.

“It wasn’t necessary, Squall…” said sadly Ellone.

“Did you forget what he did to you?”

“No…but the war is over now. You can’t blame him to have fallen in love with Zell.”

“Zell is my friend. I won’t let this bastard destroy him.”

“But Zell will hate you if you continue to provoke his lover.” Commented Laguna.

“I’ll make him realize he deserves better. It’s just a question of time. Let’s go to Winhill.”

 

* * *

 

Seifer was driving faster and faster, when he stopped suddenly, in the middle of the land. He was near of Deling City. He went out of the car and shouted with rage and despair. He needed to exteriorize his emotions. He could hear Squall’s words resounding in his brain.

_“Zell deserves better than you…”_

“No…”

_“You’re a fucking failure, a traitor and a murderer…”_

“No…” whispered Seifer shaking his head.

_“You’re pitiful…”_

“Fucking Bastard!!!”

_“You’re incapable to love anyone…I won’t let you ruin his life!”_

Seifer began to cry. He realized Squall was right. He was destroying his life, keeping his friends and his mother far away from him. He knew since the beginning things would end like this…and even knowing that, he went out with Zell. He was selfish. He wanted Zell only for himself. It was his fault if he cut ties with his friends and his family. He was ashamed…now it had to stop.

He took his cell phone, breathing heavily, still crying and composed Zell’s number, but he got his voice mail:

_“Hello, I’m sorry but I’m busy now. Let me a message and I’ll call you back soon. Thank you.”_

Seifer tried to talk calmly but his voice was trembling: “Zell, it’s me…I call you to say that I won’t come back tonight. I won’t come back anymore…I’m sorry to have to tell you this on your voice mail, but it’s probably better this way. I’ve been really happy with you but…it doesn’t work. You deserve better than me, Zell…You’re wonderful…I love you…I love you enough to do what is the best for you. Goodbye.” He hung up the phone and threw it to the ground before destroying it whit his foot.

“It was the best thing to do…” he said, trying to convince himself repeating that again and again.


	6. Chapter 6

Zell waited for Seifer’s return all the day. He forgot his cell phone at home, so when he didn’t see him coming back, he decided to go to his house to look for his phone. Maybe Seifer tried to call him? He just hoped that nothing happened to him. The tall blond was still weak emotionally. Talking with Zell helped him a lot, but it wasn’t enough. The martial artist was trying to convince him to go to see a doctor but Seifer refused all the time. He was too ashamed to speak about his problems, especially with strangers, but he could count on Zell.

The tattooed man was still in conflict with his mother and his friends about Seifer. He never expected things would be so complicated with them. It was his decision: why nobody could understand him? No one had the right to judge them or to tell him what he had to do. It was his life and they shouldn’t be so nasty. Zell accepted when they did mistakes. He even forgave them. But after they had reacted so badly, he couldn’t forgive them anymore.

He arrived at his apartment and took his phone on the sofa. He noticed Seifer tried to call him and let a message on his voice mail. He was a bit nervous because it could have been serious. He listened to his message:

_“Zell, it’s me…I call you to say that I won’t come back tonight. I won’t come back anymore…I’m sorry to have to tell you this on your voice mail, but it’s probably better this way. I’ve been really happy with you but…it doesn’t work. You deserve better than me, Zell…You’re wonderful…I love you…I love you enough to do what is the best for you. Goodbye.”_

Zell stayed frozen. He listened to the message several times to be sure it wasn’t a mistake or something, but it was real: Seifer dumped him. He put his hand and his heart trying to recover his breath. It couldn’t be true…he tried to call him back several times but the tall blond didn’t answer. Zell left the apartment, running. He was furious…and worried on the same time. Seifer didn’t dump him because he didn’t love him anymore. He thought it was for his own sake. Zell believed that he managed to convince him the last time they talked about their relationship, but he was wrong. He had to find him. He had to reassure him saying that he didn’t care about the others…that he needed him. He wanted to ask him why he hurt him this way if he really loved him. He left the city and started to run on the land, calling his name. When he met monsters, he just ran away. He didn’t want to waste any time.

“SEIFER! SEIFER!” Called again and again Zell. He was scrutinizing the horizon around him but saw nothing. It was as if the tall blond had vanished. He continued to run and run again on the land, hoping he would find his lover, but he fell on his knees after few hours, exhausted.

“Why…why are you doing this to me?” said Zell, crying.

 

* * *

 

Days and weeks passed. Rinoa continued to hide her relationship with Laguna. She was seeing him, discreetly, most of the time inTimber. She couldn’t go to Esthar, Balamb or Deling city without drawing the attention on them, so Timber was the best solution. Kiros and Ward knew about this. Laguna told them. They tried to convince him it was a mistake but with the time, he began to resent strong feelings for Rinoa. It wasn’t just because she looked like her mother. Both of them felt guilty because of Julia and Squall, but Rinoa’s mother died a long time ago, as Raine, and Squall was with Quistis, now. Laguna always thought to the others first during all his life. It was probably because of this he lost Raine and he didn’t take care of Squall. Now, he wanted to be loved again. He wanted to be important for someone like he used to be for Julia and Raine. He needed someone by his side. It was the same thing for Rinoa. She gave everything for Timber independence with her group; she fought with her friends…but she felt lonely. They had the right to be happy together, whatever people could think about them.

Rinoa and Laguna were in their bedroom, at Timber. They always met in a small apartment to be discreet. They couldn’t go to the hotel because the both of them were famous. They couldn’t take any risk. They were on their bed, cuddled to each other, hugging and kissing. The brunette put her head on Laguna’s chest. He was caressing her hair softly.

“I don’t think we could hide forever this way…”

“I know, but…Squall would be angry against me. I’ve tried to be close to him after the war but…”

“Laguna, Squall will react badly anyway.”

“Yes…”

She smiled and kissed his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Rinoa.”

“Then, why should we feel guilty? We have the right to be happy, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but…”

“It’s over between Squall and me. He’s with Quistis now, and…I’m happy with you. You’re so different from of all the men I met in my life. I understand why my mother and Raine loved you so much.”

“Rin…”

“Sorry. I didn’t want to make you sad, remembering you that.”

“I’m not sad. I’m happy you told me that. It’s just…I can’t help it to feel guilty because of Squall and your mother.”

She grabbed his hand and put it on her heart. “You know…we’ve made enough for the others. Time has come to think about us first.”

“Hum…”

She went closer and fixed him in the eyes. “Zell and Seifer are in the same situation but they chose each other. Zell cared about us and his mother but he didn’t hesitate to choose the one he loves.”

“You saw by yourself what kind of consequences he got. He turned his back to his mother and his friends.”

“Yes. I miss him but I understand his choice. When we came to visit him, he told us he wanted to think about himself first and it was the time to be selfish. He was right…and I wanna do the same thing. I want to be selfish for once. I don’t know why I have to feel guilty to have fallen in love with you. If they can’t accept this, this is their problem and if they really love us, they will understand.”

“Did you understand when Zell told you he loved Seifer?”

“At the beginning…no. But I understand now and I regret to have been so rude with him. I’d like to visit them to say I’m sorry and I’m happy for them.”

“Sounds good…”

“Wanna come with me?”

“What? Today?”

“Yeah. Dollet isn’t far away from here. We could rent a car or go with the train.”

“Let’s rent a car. It would be better.”

She sighted. “I see…you don’t want people could see us together, right?”

“No…Rin, don’t be mad please. It’s just…I need more time. Please.”

“All right. I don’t wanna argue with you. And, I think you’re right. We should talk to the others first before appearing in public.”

“Your dad would kill me if he knew…”

“You shouldn’t mention my dad if you don’t want to make me become angry…”

“Got it!” smiled Laguna, kissing her. “Let’s go.”

 

Rinoa went to rent a car and Laguna waited for her outside of the city. He was wearing a cap and glasses to be sure that nobody could recognize him. They arrived at Dollet few hours later and went directly to the Nautilus.

“Welcome. Can I help you?”

They were surprised to be welcomed by a young woman with blond hair. They looked each other and moved closer to her.

“Hi Miss. We’d like to see Mister Dincht please.”

“Mister Dincht? Sorry but he left the city about three weeks ago now.”

“Ah? Why?”

“He said he had something important to do, so he hired me to run the shop during his absence. He calls me often to know if everything is okay but he didn’t come back.”

“Oh…so, you work alone here?”

“Yes. I know Mister Dincht used to work with his lover. I saw them often together in the city but I didn’t see him lately. I wonder if they’re still together…”

“You mean…Sei..his lover left the city?” asked Rinoa.

“I don’t know but I’m living in front of their apartment so I always saw him. But lately, Mister Dincht came back alone to his house. He really seemed to be depressed…”

Laguna gave a look to Rinoa. They understood if Zell left, it was probably because of Seifer, and the tall brunette began to wonder if Seifer’s departure wasn’t related to his quarrel with Squall when they went to Winhill with Ellone.

“Do you know where Mister Dincht went please?” asked Laguna.

“No, Sir. I think he travels a lot and he didn’t seem to know where to go when he left. But you can call him. Do you want his number?”

“No thanks. We’ve got it.”

“I see. He left with his car so I suppose he’s still in Galbadia.”

“Thanks for your help, Miss.” Concluded Rinoa before leaving.

“You’re welcome. Please, come again.”

“Sure. Goodbye.”

The two lovers left the place and returned to their car. They were worried for Seifer and Zell. Laguna sat on the passenger’s seat and fixed the window.

“If Zell is still on Galbadia, we can go to Winhill, first. What do you think about it?” suggested the tall man.

“It’s a good suggestion. Let’s go.”

They didn’t waste any time and took the road to reach the small town. It took them few hours and the weather began to change quickly to a rainy day.

“What do you think it happened between us?” asked Rinoa.

“I don’t know…I hope they didn’t break up.”

“Me either. Zell seemed to be so happy with Seifer…”

“Yes.” Laguna made a pause. “I shouldn’t tell you this…but Edea came to see Ellone at Esthar about one month ago.”

“Ah? What for?”

“She wanted to be sent in Seifer’s past to understand why he had been so afraid when he met her again at Dollet…”

“And?”

“And…Ellone sent her in the past. She saw…what she did to Seifer.”

“And?” asked again Rinoa.

“Look, I've already told you more than you need to know…”

“Come on, Laguna! You said too much now. Tell me.”

Her lover crossed his arms against his chest. He didn’t know how to hold his tongue but he trusted Rinoa enough to be honest with her.

“Promise me to not tell anything to Squall or the others please…”

“I promise.”

“Okay…” he made a pause before explaining everything. “When she was with Seifer during the war, she used him…as her fuck toy…”

“Wh..what?”

“Yes. She forced Seifer to fuck her. He always tried to push her away but she used the strength and he couldn’t fight back…”

“Hyne…”

“In the vision, Seifer begged Edea to stop. He considered her like his mother and he didn’t support to be used this way…he seemed to be disgusted.”

“I can guess…when he saw her the last time, he screamed and ran away like a child. He called Zell to help him and he even vomited…”

“Edea was so shocked that she cried all the day. She felt so guilty…”

“She didn’t remember anything?”

“No. Ultimecia controlled her mind at this time and she forced her to abuse Seifer.”

“Do you think she said it to Cid?”

“I don’t think so. She barely could face us after have seen what she did to Seifer, so she probably didn’t confess it to her husband…”

“You’re right. Did you tell it to Squall?”

“No. You’re the only one I said it.”

“Oh…”

 

They didn’t add another word until they arrived at Winhill. There was a long time since they didn’t come back here. The last time Laguna came was to depose flowers on Raine’s grave, just after the end of the war. They walked in the streets when they suddenly noticed a blond man on his back, walking toward the flowers shop.

“Zell!” called Rinoa.

The martial artist turned his back, frowning when he saw the two lovers. “Rinoa? Laguna? What are you doing here?”

They reached his side, running. “We were looking for you. We came to visit you at Dollet but your employee told us you left the city, so we went here first.”

“Why?” asked surprised Zell.

“Just to talk to you. Can we go somewhere please? There’s a pub in the town.” Proposed Laguna.

Zell seemed to hesitate. “I’m a bit busy right now, so…”

“You’re looking for Seifer, right?”

“How do you know? Did you see him?” demanded Zell with hope.

“No, we didn’t meet him. Your employee told us she didn’t see Seifer lately at Dollet…”

“I see…” sighted the tattooed man disappointed. “Why are you together anyway?”

“Let’s go to the pub. We could talk there.” Concluded Laguna.

“Alright…but I won’t stay too long.”

“Fine.”

The three of them went to the Pub that Raine used to run when she was living in Winhill with Ellone. It reminded good times to Laguna. They told everything about their relationship to the martial artist.

“Well, it’s a good thing for you two.” Said Zell.

 “Thanks.”

“I suppose you didn’t tell it to Squall yet?”

“It’s not easy...” Replied Laguna.

“It’s gonna be harder if you wait any longer. I know what I’m talking about, believe me.”

“Zell…” sighted Rinoa. She understood he was referring to their reaction when they knew his relationship with Seifer.

“Squall will react badly anyway. It’s useless, so don’t try to preserve him. You know how he is.”

Laguna nodded without saying any other word. Rinoa took Zell’s hands with her.

“Zell, I’d like to apologize. I was a bit surprised to know about you and Seifer but I never had the intention to interfere. I mean…if you two are happy together, it’s all matter.”

“Thanks…”

“And…I’m sorry if I didn’t give you enough attention. I never thought you were weak or something, and it’s true I didn’t come to see you when you were at the Garden. I’m sorry…”

“I was rude with you the last time, Rinoa. I should be the one to apologize. I had the right to blame Squall, Irvine and Quistis, but you and Selphie never did anything wrong. I just felt lonely and I blamed everyone even you two who didn’t deserve it…”

“No, you were right. We should have been there for you. I felt so guilty after that…”

“What happened with Seifer? Did you have a fight with him?” asked Laguna.

“No…he went to hunt some monsters near of Winhill about few weeks ago, and…he never came back. He let me a message on my voicemail and he disappeared…I’ve tried to find him since this day.”

“What did he say on the message?”

“He said he wouldn’t come back anymore because he wanted to do what was right for me. He said he loved me and that was why he left…” Zell looked for his cell phone on his pocket. “I kept the message. Listen.”

_“Zell, it’s me…I call you to say that I won’t come back tonight. I won’t come back anymore…I’m sorry to have to tell you this on your voice mail, but it’s probably better this way. I’ve been really happy with you but…it doesn’t work. You deserve better than me, Zell…You’re wonderful…I love you…I love you enough to do what is the best for you. Goodbye.”_

Zell sighted sadly. “I wouldn’t look for him if he had dumped me because he didn’t love me anymore but I know it wasn’t for this reason. We talked about this often and I thought I convinced him but…I don’t understand why he changed his mind.”

“Maybe it’s related to our meeting the last time? You said he was hunting near of Winhill when he left?” asked Laguna.

“What are you talking about? I thought you didn’t meet him?”

“Hum…about few weeks ago, I went with Ellone and Squall to Winhill to visit Raine’s grave. We met Seifer there and Squall…hum…provoked him.”

“What did he say to him?”

“He told him he didn’t deserve you, that he was pitiful, a murderer, a traitor…he has been really nasty with him. I’ve tried to stop him but he was so angry against him that he didn’t listen to me or his sister…”   

“How did he react?”

“Seifer? To be honest, I was surprised by his self-control. He didn’t fight back. He said he loved you but Squall didn’t believe him and he said he was incapable to love without hurting everybody. I think he was…defeated. It was as if he agreed with Squall about what he was thinking about him.”

Zell squeezed his fists and tapped the table, practically breaking it. “Bastard! Where is he?”

“Squall? At the Garden, I suppose.” Replied Rinoa.

“Where’s the Garden now?”

“Balamb.”

“I need to go there. How did you come here?”

“We rent a car, but I went with the Ragnarok from Esthar. I sent back the ship.”

“Can you call it please?”

“Sure…but I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to the Garden, Zell…”

“Please. I need to talk to Squall.”

“You don’t want to “talk”, Zell. You want to yell at him.”

“I’ll stay calm. I have to tell him what’s in my heart. Bring me to Balamb. Please.”

Laguna fixed Rinoa with a perplexed expression but he knew Zell would take the train to go there, so he agreed. He called the Ragnarok and after few hours, the ship arrived to pick them.

 

They reached the small island after an hour of flight. Zell didn’t waste any time and ran toward the Garden. Rinoa and Laguna tried to contain him but they couldn’t catch him. He was running so fast. He passed in front of Quistis who was talking with Xu in the main hall. She blinked when she saw the martial artist.

“Zell? But what…”

“WHERE IS HE?” screamed Zell.

“What?”

Rinoa and Laguna joined them.” Zell! Please, calm down.”

“WHERE IS SQUALL?” he asked again.

“In…In his office, but…why?” replied Quistis, shocked.

Zell left them and took the elevator quickly without waiting for them.

“What’s going on?” asked Quistis.

“We should follow him. He’s furious against Squall.”

“I’m gonna look for Selphie and Irvine.” Said Xu.

“Let’s go.” Added Quistis.

They joined Zell who was already on the way to reach Squall’s office. He was practically at his door when Rinoa, Quistis and Laguna arrived.

“Zell! Wait!” called Quistis.

But the martial artist kicked the door down with his foot with strength. Squall jumped with surprised. He was with Cid.

“BASTARD!!!!” yelled Zell. He ran toward his former best friend but Irvine and Laguna grabbed him by his waist.

“Zell! Stop it!”

“THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! HOW COULD YOU???”

“What’s wrong? What are you talking about?” asked Squall.

“SEIFER LEFT BECAUSE OF YOU!! IT’S BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID TO HIM HE LEFT ME!!”

“What?”

“Seifer never came back to Dollet after your quarrel with him, when we met him near of Winhill with Ellone.” Explained Laguna. “We met Zell there. He was looking for Seifer and I told him what happened.”

“Well done, Dad!” exclaimed Squall.

“Don’t blame your father for your faults!! Why did you do that?” asked Zell.

“I did it for you. You’re completely blind. Being with this bastard, what were you thinking???”

“DON’T YOU DARE TALKING ABOUT HIM THIS WAY!!!”

“I care about you! Your story with him would have ended badly and you know it. You can’t understand now but you’ll thank me one day.”

“What? I should be thankful to you to have made me break up with my lover? You never did it for me but only because you always have hated him. You wanted to take your revenge! You know he was broken since the end of the war because of Ultimecia and you chose this time to humiliate him when he was already down!”

“Who’s to blame? He was the one who chose Ultimecia since the beginning!”

“For God’s sake, Squall! The war is over! You won, okay? Did you have to disgrace him more? Didn’t you have enough?”

“He deserved it! You should be ashamed to have turned your back to us and to your own mother for this fucking traitor!”

Zell released himself from Laguna and Irvine’s grip and punched Squall on the face, before being stopped by his friends again.

“Zell! That’s enough!”

He calmed down few seconds later. Quistis went to Squall and helped him to rise on his feet. Cid was completely useless and didn’t know what to do.

“I love him, Squall. You can’t understand because you’re selfish. You never thought even a second about the consequences your little speech could have on him…or on me.” Told Zell sadly.

“Don’t expect any mercy from me. He doesn’t deserve it.”

“I don’t expect anything from you. Just get out of my life.” Zell started to leave when he stopped. “If something happened to him, I’ll never forgive you.”

Everyone looked at Zell leaving, keeping silent. Laguna took a large breath and grabbed Rinoa’s hand, fixing Squall.

“Squall, I’ve something to tell you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sad chapter

Months passed, one after another. Squall didn’t take very well the relationship between Laguna and Rinoa. The young woman decided to leave the Garden and joined his lover in Esthar. The Major Caraway became enraged but he knew he couldn’t do anything without provoking a new war between Galbadia and Esthar. He tried to convince his daughter but she didn’t listen, as always. Zell cut ties with everyone definitively. Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine and his own mother: They didn’t accept Seifer, then, he didn’t need them anymore. But he kept contact with Laguna and Rinoa. They helped him to look for Seifer, letting him borrow the Ragnarok. Rinoa accompanied him often. They went everywhere: Balamb, Dollet, Timber, Deling City, Fisherman’s Horizon, Esthar, even Shumi village and at the orphanage, but they didn’t find anyone. It was as if Seifer vanished and never had existed. Zell began to lose hope. They were on the road with Rinoa with the ship to return to Esthar.

“Zell. Let’s make a pause. You need to sleep and I can’t pilot the ship alone.” Suggested Rinoa.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’m not tired…”

“Don’t give up. I’m sure we’ll find him one day.”

“We went everywhere, Rin. What if something happened to him?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe someone attacked him or…”

“Zell, don’t start to imagine the worst!”

The martial artist sighted, depressed. “Do…do you think he still loves me?”

“Of course, he loves you. He told you on your voicemail, remember?”

“Yeah, but a lot of time already passed. Maybe he forgot me?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You know, I called Raijin and Fujin lately but they said he didn’t come to visit them. I don’t know what to do…”

“I understand, Zell, but we’ll find him.”

“Thanks Rinoa. You help me so much with Laguna. How is it between you two?”

“Fine, thanks for asking. We become closer every day.”

“You seem to be happy with him.”

“I am. Laguna is so different from Squall. He’s kind and always tries to comfort me when I’m sad. You know, he even left an official meeting with business men the other day just because I told him I was feeling sick.” She said laughing.

“Really?”

“Yeah. He’s incredible!” she sat and crossed her legs. “You know, at the beginning, Kiros and Ward didn’t take our story very well, but I feel they accepted me now.”

“They were probably worried for their friend.”

“You’re right, but they’re fine with my presence now. They’re still a bit nervous about my dad because they don’t want to start a new war with Galbadia, but I don’t think my father would do that just for me. He knows it’s useless anyway because I won’t give up on him.”

“I understand what you can feel.”

She felt bad saying that. She knew Zell was still in conflict with his mother and didn’t call or visit her since her birthday.

“You should try to talk with your mom, Zell. I know you miss her.”

“I can’t forgive her, Rinoa. She asked Squall to convince me to break up with Seifer.”

“Squall would have known anyway.”

“Yes, but I thought my own mother would have understood me.”

“I’m sure she regrets it.”

“It’s too late.”

 

 

* * *

 

Few weeks later.

The night started to fall on Fisherman’s horizon. People were walking to their home but the port was still a lively place. The boats were coming back from fishing expeditions. The lights were coming on by themselves slowly. It was a peaceful place. No soldier in the streets. No weapons allowed either. Just ordinary and honest people who were working there.

Someone entered in the hostel, on the port.

“Welcome. Can I help you?”

“Hi. I’d like a single room for tonight please.”

“Sure.” She began to look for a key. “Are you tourist?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s good to see new faces. Do you like our city?”

“Yes. It’s pretty nice and peaceful here.”

“Thanks. Are you gonna stay a long time here? If you want, I can give you some advices for a good restaurant.”

“Thanks ma’m but I already ate. But maybe tomorrow?”

“As you wish. I need your name for my register please.”

“Hum…” The man put his hands on his pockets, letting his heavy bag falling on the floor.”Dincht.” he replied smiling.

“Alright, Mister Dincht. Your room is upstairs. I’m gonna show you. Follow me.”

“Thanks.”

They climbed the stairs and arrived in a small room with a single bed, a little bathroom with a washbasin and toilets, and a desk. There was also a window with a wonderful view on the ocean.

“Nice view from here.”

“Yeah. We can see the sunset from there at the end of the day. Can I do something else for you?”

The blond looked for some money in his pockets and held it to the woman. “Yes. Could you wake me up at 8:00 a.m tomorrow morning please?”

“Sure. Would you like a breakfast for tomorrow?”

“No thanks. Don’t hesitate to come in if I don’t answer. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper.”

“No problem. Have a goodnight Mister Dincht.”

“Thanks.”

The woman left and closed the door behind her. The blond sat on his bed and took something in his bag before going to the desk. He turned the lights on and wrote during all the night. When he finally had done, he took his clothes off and lay down on his bed to sleep.

 

 

The next morning, the tenant went to knock at his door. The man had been really generous yesterday giving her a good tip: 250 gils. It was more than the price of the room for the night. She bought the newspaper for him. She wanted to offer the breakfast but he said yesterday he didn’t want to. She knocked two times but nobody answered.

“Mister Dincht? It’s 8:00.” She said through the door.

She was embarrassed to enter in his room. He could be naked or something. But he told her yesterday to come in if he didn’t answer. She opened the door carefully and entered when she had a vision of horror and screamed.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!”

 

 

Raijin was in his apartment with his girlfriend. It was his day off so he planned to do nothing and take a nap. He was working on the port as a fisherman. He completely changed his way of life. He wasn’t a soldier anymore. Just an ordinary man with an easy job. Sometimes, he called Fujin but he didn’t have any news of Seifer since years now. He had been surprised when Zell called him the other day to ask about Seifer. The martial artist told him he was his lover and he disappeared after a quarrel with Squall. Raijin was shocked because he would never have imagined that Seifer could go out with Chicken wuss. He even didn’t know Seifer was gay, but he was still his friend. He went with Rinoa, Zell and Fujin to look for him during several days but found nothing. Zell asked them to come back to their home and promised to call them if he would find Seifer. He was worried for him and wondered what happened to him.

He was interrupted in his thoughts by his girlfriend.

“Honey? This is for you.” She held him the phone.

“Thanks sweetie.” He took the phone. “Hello?”

_“Mister Raijin? Mayor Dobe’s speaking. Could you meet me at the hostel on the port please? This is an emergency.”_

“What’s wrong?”

_“Please. I prefer to tell you in person. Not at the phone.”_

“Alright. I’m coming.”

_“Thanks. I’m waiting for you.”_

Raijin hung up the phone and grabbed his shoes wondering what was going on. His girlfriend asked him the same thing.

“I don’t know. He refused to tell me at the phone, ya know?”

“Be careful, okay?”

“Don’t worry, sweetie. See you later.” He replied kissing her.

He left his house and reached the port quickly. When he arrived, the mayor was with two other men and the tenant who seemed to be in shock.

“Mayor Dobe? I’m Raijin.”

“Thanks for coming Mister Raijin. Let’s go inside.”

They entered. One of the men stayed with the tenant outside. Raijin was nervous and wondered what happened. The Mayor looked down, crossing his arms behind his back.

“So? What’s it?”

“The tenant called me this morning. She was completely panicked, and as you can see, she’s still in shock after what she saw…”

“What happened?”

“A customer requested a room last night and asked her to wake him up at eight this morning, but when she opened the door, she found him…dead.”

“Dead???”

“Yes. He hanged himself with a rope.”

“Damn!!” After a short pause, he fixed the mayor with an interrogated look. “Sorry to be so rude, Mister, but what is the point with me? I mean I’m sorry for him but…”

“You knew this man. The victim let a word asking to call you. The tenant was too shocked to do it. That’s why I called you.”

“What??Who…who is it?”

“He gave the name “Dincht” to the tenant, yesterday, but he didn’t have any identity papers with him.”

“Di..Dincht you said?”

“Yes.”

“Hyne…Zell! No…no. Don’t tell me…” said Raijin in shock. He practically fell on his knees when the Mayor helped him.

“I know it’s hard for you but can you confirm his identity please? His body is upstairs.”

“Yes…”

“Thanks. Follow me.”

They went slowly to the stairs and reached the first floor. When they arrived in front of the door, the Mayor made a pause to look Raijin, who nodded. The big man was really sad but he had to do it. He was already wondering how he would announce this to his mother and to his friends. They entered and moved closer to the bed. A white sheet was covering the body. The mayor removed it and let the other man take a look to confirm his identity. But when he finally saw the victim’s face, he put his hand on his mouth and held his breath, restraining himself to not shout. He ran to the blond, lying on the bed, eyes closed and shook his body, crying in despair.

“NO! NO! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!!!! WAKE UP!! YOU CAN’T DIE! NOT YOU!! NOT YOU!!”

The Mayor Dobe stayed away and rubbed his back to comfort him. Raijin fell on his knees and held his friend in his arms crying. After several minutes, the Mayor approached again.

“My condolences, Mister Raijin. I suppose he was a precious friend of yours…”

“He’s not Zell Dincht…” replied softly Raijin crying.

“Huh?”

“He’s name is…Seifer Almasy.”

 

* * *

 

Fujin was in Galbadia Garden, teaching as every day when a cadet interrupted her class. She turned around to see him. She seemed to be very pissed.

“WHAT?”

“You have a call, instructor. This is an emergency.” Replied shyly the young man.

She nodded and followed him in the corridor. He held her a phone and moved away to let her talking in privacy with her correspondent.

“HELLO?”

_“Hi Fujin. Raijin’s speaking…”_

“RAGE!”

_“I’m sorry to bother you but it’s an emergency.”_

“You better have a good reason to disturb me or I’ll kick your ass!”

_“I have…it’s about Seifer.”_

“SEIFER???” the tone of her voice changed suddenly. “EXPLAIN!”

_“Fuu…Seifer…”_

“WHAT?” she asked again, exasperated.

_“Seifer…is dead…”_

She froze instantly, as if someone had casted an ice spell on her. She couldn’t say anything during several minutes because of the shock. Raijin understood and gave other explanations.

_“He hanged himself in a room at Fisherman’s Horizon, at the hostel…”_

Fujin let the phone falling before crashing on her knees on the floor, hiding her face to cry. The young cadet approached to help her. He could hear Raijin’s voice speaking on the phone. It was the first time he saw his instructor in this state. She looked like so miserable, crying, that he touched her shoulder to comfort her. She pushed him away, screaming with despair and rage.

“AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!”

 

* * *

 

Fujin left Galbadia Garden for Fisherman’s Horizon just after Raijin had called her. She took a ship at the Garden and arrived four hours later. She met his friend at an apartment. They had moved Seifer’s body and called a doctor to confirm his death. She had asked to see him. She wanted to see by herself it was the truth. She knew Raijin wouldn’t lie to her, especially about this but she had to see. She practically fainted when they showed her his face. His skin was white and cold. It was so hard for the both of them to accept this. Even if they didn’t see him again about four years ago, they were still his friends and they never forgot him. They knew he was suffering from something but Seifer never told them. He was too proud for this. They saw him often puking on the toilets, during the nights but he always avoided the subject and found a good excuse. He asked them to leave one day and they agreed because they thought he didn’t want to stay with them anymore. They thought Seifer never forgave them to have turned their back to him for Squall at Lunatic Pandora…but they were wrong. Seifer let them a letter before committing suicide.

_“Raijin, Fujin,_

_My dear friends. There’re a million things I need to tell you but after all what happened, I never managed to find the courage to say it. First of all, I’d like to apologize to have involved you in this mess during the war. You followed me until the end and I’ll never be able to explain how much your loyalty touched me. I’m surprised you didn’t leave me before and I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t want to stay with you anymore because I was mad at you to have chosen Squall at Lunatic Pandora. You were there before and after the war, when everybody abandoned me. Nobody tried to help me with Ultimecia, even if we grew up together. Everyone thought I was a monster, a traitor…but not you. My posse. I never deserved your friendship but I’m glad to have met you. I enjoyed the time we had together and I wish you could be happy._

_Second, I’d like to explain why I left you. It wasn’t your fault but mine. During the war, when I was with Edea and Ultimecia, they used me…not just in the way you saw but in another one that I’m too ashamed to confess. I couldn’t forget and it drove me crazy a little bit more every day. I couldn’t stand your presence anymore because of it. Raijin because of your girlfriend and Fujin, because you’re a woman. I couldn’t stay with a woman anymore because of that bitch…I was scared and disgusted about myself. I wanted to keep the same picture you had of me: the arrogant and self-confident Seifer I used to be…but I was just a fucking failure and I didn’t want to pull you down with me in my degradation. I already caused too many troubles to you. It was enough. Forgive me to not tell you more, but you can ask to Zell if you want. He knows. I told him everything. It’s not because I trusted him more than you, but it’s just because he was my lover and I couldn’t hide it to him._

_Third, I ask you to take care of him. I really loved Zell and he made me happy, even if it was for a short time. Good things are always too short. He gave me so much and I fucked up his life too. He cut the ties with his mother and his friends because of me, and if he didn’t forget me yet, I know he will suffer because of my death. He’s fragile and he needs support. Please, be there for him. Help him to find someone good for him and try to convince him to talk again with the others, at least, with his mother. He always cared about me, even when I used to fight against them. I had been really happy with him, so tell him I loved him and I will never forget him._

_Four, this is my legacy: I let you 500 000 gils for each of you. I opened two bank accounts at Winhill for you two. I’ve let you the recipes with the letter. Don’t worry, I won this money honestly, selling rare items that I found. I saved it for you and Zell. I’ve no special and last requests. You can do whatever you want with my body: throw me on the sea, burry me in middle of nowhere or let my body burn in Ifrit’s Cavern, it doesn’t matter. Just do what will cost you the cheapest. There’s also a letter for Squall and the rest of the gang so give it to them. I wrote another letter for Zell. Give it to him only if he didn’t forget me. In the other case, I let a bank account at Winhill with some rare items in a safety deposit box for him. I let you in charge to take care of this and to give it to him._

_Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. I love you guys. I wish you the best my dear and precious friends. My posse, forever._

_Seifer Almasy.”_

      

 When they finished reading it, the two friends looked each other sadly. It was so hard to believe that Seifer was gone, forever. The posse was over now. They would never see him again. But, there was more which coming…now, they had to say it to Zell.


	8. Chapter 8

Zell decided to take a break in his searches. He was exhausted and he needed to see if his business was still good at Dollet. The Nautilus was open during his absence and the martial artist had to hire another person to work on the weapons. Thanks to Seifer, the stock of items was enough and Zell didn’t need to go hunting.

The tattoo man returned at his home to take a nap, in the middle of the afternoon. It was hard for him to come back in his place since he was alone. When he entered in his room, he collapsed on his bed, tired. He couldn’t help to look for the empty side of the bed, sadly. He grabbed Seifer’s pillow and smelled it deeply, crying.

“He will come back…” sighted Zell, trying to convince himself. “He will come back.”

 

* * *

 

Rinoa joined Laguna in his office. She called Zell lately and suggested him to rest a bit before returning to his searches. She was there to support him but she couldn’t hide her concern. She began to lose hope. Seifer disappeared since several months. They even didn’t know if he was still alive. They looked for him everywhere in the world.

“I called Zell.”

“How is he?”

Rinoa sighted. “Depressed, desperate…I don’t know what to do. I feel so useless.”

“Rin, honey…we can’t do anything else to help him. You never let him alone and always go with him to look for Seifer. I know he appreciates all what you do for him.”

“Yes…but it hurts to see him so sad.”

“I know.”

The phone rang, interrupting them in their discussion. Laguna took the call:

“Hello?”

_“Mister President, Mister Raijin would like to talk with you. He says it’s important.”_

“Give me that call.”

_“Yes Mister President. Just a moment please.”_

“I’m waiting.” He looked Rinoa. “This is Raijin.”

“Raijin?” frowned the brunette. “Do you think he is with Seifer?”

“Dunno…”

After a short time, Laguna heard Raijin’s voice.

_“President Loire?”_

“Hi Raijin. What can I do for you?”

_“Hi, sorry to disturb you but I couldn’t call Zell…”_

“Why? He didn’t answer you?”

_“I didn’t try…to be honest, I couldn’t find the courage to do it, ya know?”_

“What do you want to tell him? Is it about Seifer?”

_“Yes. We found him.”_

“Really?? That’s great! How is he?”

_“President Loire…Seifer is dead.”_

Laguna blinked and fixed Rinoa with shock. The brunette came closer and wondered why Raijin called them.

“Wh..What happened?”

_“He hanged himself in his bedroom at the hostel in Fisherman’s horizon.”_

“Hyne…”

_“I called Fujin and she’s still in shock. I need to comfort her right now…but I also need to say it to Zell, ya know? What can I do? I can’t tell him at the phone but…”_

“Zell returned to Dollet. I’m gonna take him there and bring him to Horizon. I think we should tell him when we would be there.”

_“Thanks. Seifer let a letter for Squall and the gang, ya know?”_

“I’ll tell them later. I think we need to support Zell first.”

_“All right. Tell me when you would arrive at Horizon. I’ll be there to welcome you.”_

“Thank you Raijin. See you later.” Laguna hung up the phone, sighting.

“Laguna. Tell me. What’s wrong?” asked Rinoa worried.

“Rin…Seifer is dead. He committed suicide…”

“WH..WHAT???”

“Yes…Raijin told me they found him, hanged in a bedroom at the hostel at Horizon. Fujin is devastated and we have to tell Zell, now.”

“No…Seifer…” cried Rinoa, sitting heavily on a chair. Laguna went closer and took his lover in his arms to support her.

“We have to go to Dollet.” Said Laguna after few minutes. Rinoa was still crying. He took his phone and called Kiros. “Kiros? Cancel my meetings today and prepare the Ragnarok, please. I have to leave right now for Dollet.”

 

* * *

 

At the end of the afternoon, Zell had been awake by his cell phone. He rubbed his eyes and got up to answer. He was surprised to see it was Rinoa, because he talked with her this morning.

“Hello? Rin?”

_“Hi Zell. I’m with Laguna on the land around Dollet. Could you meet us now please?”_

“Hum…yes, but what’s wrong?”

_“Just join us please. We’ll talk when you’ll be there.”_

“Is there everything alright?”

_“I’m fine…we’re waiting for you.”_

“Okay. I’m coming in few minutes.”

_“Thanks. See you.”_

 

Zell felt something was disturbing Rinoa. The tone of her voice seemed to be different. And why Laguna was there too? He started to wonder if there was a problem between them or if it was related to Seifer. He didn’t waste time and left this apartment. He arrived few minutes later outside of the city. The Ragnarok was on the land, near of the train station. He went on board and was welcomed by Rinoa and Laguna.

 

“Hi guys! What are you doing here?” asked Zell.

He understood immediately something important happened. Laguna made a sign to the pilot to leave.

“So? Where are we going?” demanded Zell, perplexed.

“Fisherman’s horizon.” Replied Laguna.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“We'll talk when we’ll be there.” Proposed Laguna.

“Why? Tell me!” said Zell exasperated.

“Zell, please…” told Rinoa.

“What’s wrong with you? What do you hide me? Why did you ask me to come with you and why are we going to Fisherman’s Horizon?”

Laguna and Rinoa looked down, keeping silent. It would be harder than they thought.

“TELL ME!!” shouted the martial artist.

“Laguna…we should say it to him.” Suggested Rinoa.

“I guess you’re right…” sighted the tall man. “You should take a seat, Zell.”

“Explain me first.”

“Zell, sit down please…”

“Don’t tell me what I should do! I want to know!!!”

Laguna crossed his arms against his chest, fixing the ground with embarrassment when he finally answered. “It’s about Seifer…”

“Seifer???” blinked Zell. “Where is he? Is he at Horizon?”

“Zell…Seifer killed himself…”

“Y..You..What did you say?”

“Yes…Raijin called us lately. Seifer had been found hanged in a room at Horizon…I’m sorry…”

The martial artist practically fell on his knees, eyes widely open, as if he had seen a ghost. He couldn’t believe it. “You…You’re wrong…it can’t be Seifer…”

“Raijin identified him. He wrote a letter for you…”

“I can’t believe it…”

“Zell…”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! I NEED TO SEE IT BY MYSELF!”

“Please, calm down…”

“He..he wouldn’t do that to me. I can’t believe it!”

“Zell, Seifer hanged himself…” added Rinoa.

“I have to see him. I trust you but…I won’t believe it until I wouldn’t see by myself.”

“We’ll be at Horizon soon.” Concluded Laguna.

 

 

When they arrived, Raijin and Fujin were already there, with the mayor Dobe. The martial artist began to realize seeing their faces that it wasn’t impossible but he still thought Seifer couldn’t have done that. They went in a small apartment where there were two men in front of the door of the only bedroom. Zell pushed the door and approached. There was a corpse covered with a white sheet on the bed. When he removed it, he could see Seifer’s face, white and cold. The others stayed away to give some privacy. The martial artist didn’t move. He stayed in front of Seifer’s body like a statue without saying a single word. Rinoa, worried, approached when Zell fainted and fell in her arms, completely unconscious.

 

* * *

The next day, Laguna returned in his office. He had to call Squall. After had seen Seifer’s dead body, Zell fainted because of the shock. When he woke up, he became completely crazy, yelling and crying. They had to give him several sedatives to calm him down. He was still at the Presidential Palace. A doctor stayed by his side to control his fragile health. Rinoa, Fujin and Raijin stayed too. They had to support him. It was what Seifer asked.

“Laguna?” asked Rinoa, knocking at his door.

“Come in. I was about to call the Garden.” Replied the tall man. “How is Zell?”

“Not good at all. He cried and made another anxiety attack. The doctor gave him another dose of sedative…”

“I see…”

She went closer and sat in front of him. “I still can’t believe Seifer is dead. I couldn’t imagine he was so depressed because of what Edea did to him.”

“It wasn’t the only reason, Rin. Squall’s attitude helped him.” Added Laguna, angry.

“We should have let them alone. Zell and Seifer were happy together before we came.”

“What is done is done. It’s useless to blame yourself now. Besides, it wasn’t because you came that Seifer left. Squall brainwashed him with his reproaches.”

 “Hum…would you like I leave to let you call him?”

“You can stay. I’ve nothing to hide.” He replied smiling. He took his phone and composed the number. “Commander Leonhart for President Loire please.”

_“Wait a moment, Mister President.”_

Laguna was playing with his fingers nervously. He didn’t talk to his son since he told him about his affair with Rinoa and he knew Squall was still angry against him. After few minutes, the woman at the phone talked again.

_“I’m sorry Mister President but Commander Leonhart can’t talk to you right now.”_

“You mean:  he DOESN’T WANT to talk to me, right?”

 _“Hum…”_ The woman seemed to be embarrassed. _“Yes…I’m sorry.”_

“Fine. Then, can I speak with Quistis Trepe, please?”

_“I transfer your call to her office.”_

“Thanks.”

During this time, Laguna looked Rinoa, disappointed. “I knew he wouldn’t talk to me.”

“You should have said it was related to Zell.” Said Rinoa.

“No…I don’t wanna spread gossips to the whole Garden. It’s already hard enough.”

He was cut in his discussion with his lover by Quistis’s voice.

_“President Loire? Quistis’s speaking.”_

“Morning Quistis. Sorry to bother you but Squall didn’t want to answer me.”

_“You don’t disturb me. I’m sorry for Squall…you know, I’ve tried to talk with him about his relationship with you but…”_

“Quistis, I don’t call for myself but for Zell.”

 _“Zell? Something happened to him?”_ asked worried Quistis.

“Yes…”

 

* * *

 

When Quistis finished speaking with Laguna, she hung up the phone. She stayed frozen during several minutes when she began to cry. She hid her face with her hands even if she was alone in her office. There was a long time since she didn’t feel so much pain in her heart. It took her a moment to recover her mind. She left her office and went in the headmaster’s quarters. She knocked and entered. Cid was with Edea.

“Quistis? What’s wrong?” asked Cid.

She moved closer, trying to contain her sadness the best way she could. Edea noticed it and approached.

“Quistis? Did…Did you cry?” she demanded caressing her cheek.

“Matron…” whispered the blond when she fell on her arms.

“Shhh…it’s okay, Darling. Talk to me. What happened?”

After a short moment, Quistis wiped her tears and faced them. “Laguna called me. I’ve something to tell you. Could you ask to Selphie, Squall and Irvine to join us in your office please?”

“Yes…Sure.” Agreed Cid. He opened his loudspeaker _. “Commander Leonhart, Seed Timiltt and Seed Kineas are wanted in the headmaster’s office.”_ He fixed his attention on Quistis again. “What is so important?”

“It’s…about Zell and Seifer.”

“Se..Seifer? Is he okay?” asked Edea nervous.

“No Matron…he’s not…” replied the blond sorrowfully.

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s wait the others.”

When the rest of the group arrived, everyone was surprised to see Quistis there, especially Squall. He observed his lover was depressed and had cried.

“Sir. Matron.” He moved closer. “Quistis? What’s wrong?” asked Squall.

“Laguna called me because you didn’t want to talk with him…” she said.

Squall rolled his eyes annoyed but his girlfriend continued to speak.

“It wasn’t related to you or to his affair with Rinoa, but about Zell.”

“Zell?”

“Yes…he’s in the Presidential Palace. He’s…in bad condition. They gave him some sedatives and he made several anxiety attacks. A doctor is there all the time to take care of him, with Rinoa, Raijin and Fujin.” She explained.

“But…why? What happened to him?” asked everyone concerned.

“Because…” she took a large breath before continuing. “Because Seifer is…Seifer is dead.”

Matron fell on her knees. Cid went to her side immediately to help her.

“No!” said Selphie, covering her mouth with her hands.

Irvine grabbed her by the waist and tried to comfort her, even if he was shocked too. Squall blinked, absorbing the information.

“Ho...How did he die?” asked finally the brunette.

“He hanged himself. He took a bedroom about two days ago at the hostel in Fisherman’s Horizon and…the tenant found him the next morning. Laguna told me Seifer let a letter for us…”

“Hyne…Zell must be devastated…”exclaimed Irvine.

“He is. Your father told me he fainted when he saw Seifer dead…and when he woke up, he was out of control.” She looked down. “We should call his mother.”

“I’m gonna take her at her home in Balamb. We need to go to Esthar.” Replied Irvine with Selphie in his arms.

“Alright…” Quistis faced her lover. “Squall?”

But the tall brunette didn’t answer. When he noticed Quistis’s presence in front of him, he nodded without saying a single word. Edea was still on her knees, crying.

“Darling…” said Cid, kissing her forehead.

“Seifer…it can’t be true…” she whispered, pressing her head against Cid’s chest.

Selphie wiped her tears and reached the door. “I’m gonna inform Nida to our destination.”

“Selphie, wait!”

“What is it, Quis?”

“Don’t…don’t mention to anybody about Seifer’s death, please.”

“Of course…”

“Thanks.”

The little woman left with Irvine, letting the rest of the group alone. Quistis took Squall by the arm and walked toward the exit.

“I think we should let Matron with Cid.” She suggested.

“You’re right.” Agreed her boyfriend, leaving with her.

 

* * *

 

At the Presidential Palace, Zell was awake. He didn’t eat since two days. He just couldn’t. He was exhausted by the lack of sleep but also because of the medicines they gave to him. He had no strength anymore. Raijin, Fujin and Rinoa stayed by his side but nothing could erase his pain. He asked them to leave him alone for a while. He wanted to see nobody. He was fixing the window sadly when he turned around to take the piece of paper on the desk. It was Seifer’s letter. He already read it several times but he couldn’t stop reading again and again, as if he was trying to convince himself his death was real.

 

_“Zell, my love_

_I hope you won’t read this letter because it would mean that you forgot me. But on the other side, I wish you could have it because there’re so many things I want to tell you. I suppose you probably had been mad at me when I left. I can’t blame you. In fact, I wanted you hated me because I thought you couldn’t cry somebody who broke your heart and betrayed you. But, I know how kind you are: you can’t hate anyone. I never have been really good with “love things”. I fucked up all my affairs and you’re not an exception. I fucked up everything in my life anyway. It was hard to be far away from you. It hurt so much that sometimes that I wished to never have met you again…but on the same time, I remembered everything we shared. I remembered the happiness you gave me, accepting me, forgiving me and taking care of me. Thinking about this, I’ve no regret and I tell myself how lucky I was to have had you in my life. I hope the one who will share your life in the future will understand his luck and will treasure you because you deserve it, more than everyone._

_Zell, I know you hate me to have left this way. But I didn’t run away because I didn’t love you anymore. On the contrary; I did it because I loved you. You shouldn’t have to turn your back to your family or to your friends because of me. They know you longer than me. You shared so many things with them that they probably know better than me what is the best for you. I hurt you in the past, and I even don’t talk about what happened during the war. It was so easy to provoke you, to insult you, to humiliate you thanks to my position in the Garden as the leader of the disciplinary committee. I wondered often when we were together how you could have forgiven me, how you could have loved me when I was so rude with you, but…thank you. I’ve no word to describe how much it meant to me and how much I’m grateful to you for all what you’ve done. You gave me a place in your life and in your heart when I was rejected by everyone…and you chose me. But when I realized how this must have cost you, I felt so guilty that I couldn’t forgive myself. I love you and I didn’t want you became a pariah like I was because of me. Your mother and your friends already rejected you, and with the time, you know things would have gone worse. I thought it was the best thing I could do for your own good. I always have been selfish but for the first time in my life, I didn’t thought about myself or I would have stayed by your side. I love you. I love you enough to leave you because it’s the only way to protect you…to protect you from me, from my selfishness. I would have kept you just for me, cutting you from the entire world, from all of the people you love. I already started with your mother and your friends, so I wanted you to run far away from me; from my possessiveness. But you always said you loved me and you needed me. If I hadn’t done it, you wouldn’t have been able to leave. That’s why I left first. To give your freedom back. To let you return with the ones you love. So, please don’t misunderstand. It wasn’t your fault. It never had been your fault, but only mine._

_Zell, you’re the best thing I ever had in my whole life. You’re incredible and wonderful. I never accepted the way you ran yourself down. Contrary of what you may think, you never had been a coward. You failed your last mission because people who were working with you weren’t experimented enough, not because you weren’t a good commander. You never ran away when you had to fight. You never feared your opponent whatever how strong he could be. You just always had been too kind. You couldn’t support to see people suffering. It’s not a weakness, it’s your strength. It’s what it gives you the courage to fight. When you love, you fight unconditionally for people without thinking about you and the consequences. You even did it for me. You fought for me even if it was against your own family. It’s an amazing proof of love and I thank you for this. Never forget who you are: you are Zell Dincht. The hero of Balamb City. The guy who fought the most powerful sorceress of the world with just his fists as weapons…and also my first and only love._

_I opened a bank account for you at Winhill. I let you one million gils and there’s also a deposit safety box with rare items for the Nautilus. After I left, I travelled all around the world to fight monsters and to find the items. I wanted you could live without money problem._

_Zell, I was really happy with you and even if our time was short, these days with you were the best of my life. I treasured these memories until the end and I never forgot you, even for a second. Don’t be mad at me please: living with you hurt because I knew you suffered to be far away from your mother and friends, but living without you was just unbearable. The only thing that I was looking for was your happiness and I wish you the best. Forgive them, Zell. Forgive your mother. Forgive Squall and the rest of the gang…and forgive me if you still love me. I love you._

_Seifer Almasy.”_

 

The martial artist hid his face between his knees to cry. He read this letter so many times that he could remember each sentence, each word. He already knew this; Seifer’s feelings and his intentions. But it didn’t mean that he had to accept it. Seifer did it for him, but he never asked him all these sacrifices. Yes, he missed his mother and his friends. He felt hurt they didn’t accept his choice. But without Seifer, nothing had sense anymore. Giving his life thinking that he would be happier was the most incredible proof of love Seifer could have given to him, but it was also the most hurting thing he did. 

 “Idiot…how could I be happy without you now?” said Zell fixing the letter sadly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad chapter...

The Garden was on the sea to reach Estharian coasts. Cid called Laguna to inform him they would arrive later on the afternoon. Zell’s mother was with the gang. Irvine went to see after Quistis told them about Seifer’s death and Zell’s condition. She followed him and took some clothes for her son. She was worried and depressed. She felt guilty and wondered if Zell would accept to see her. She regretted to have rejected Seifer. She even didn’t meet him and judged him because of his past. She thought like everyone Zell would have been unhappy with him and he would have hurt him. She was wrong. She was the only one who hurt Zell, refusing his choice.

 

Squall left his office and returned in his bedroom. He avoided everyone. He needed to be alone. He was thinking about so many things: his childhood at the orphanage with the gang and Seifer; his quarrels and fights with his rival; the seed exam when Seifer was their captain with Zell; D-District Prison when Seifer tortured him; the assault he ran with Galbadia Garden; when he killed Odin, when he gave Rinoa to Adel…but especially about what he said to him the last time he saw him. Yes, he always had hated Seifer, but he never wished his death, and definitely not his suicide. Besides, he was concerned for Zell. He remembered how much the martial artist loved him and he wondered how he would be able to live after this tragedy. Zell was furious when he knew what Squall told to his lover and…he felt guilty.

“Squall?” knocked Quistis.

“Come in.”

“Sorry…I was worried for you.”

“I just needed to be alone.”

“I see…should I let you?”

“No…you can stay.”

She went closer and sat on the bed near of him, rubbing his back softly. Squall put his head on her shoulder, fixing the wall in front of him.

“What I’ve done, Quis?” he said sighting.

“Squall…”

“If only I hadn't said all these things to Seifer, he wouldn’t have killed himself…”

“You couldn’t know. You wanted to protect Zell.”

“Zell already hates me, but it’s gonna be worse now…I’m so stupid.”

“Honey, don’t blame yourself. It won’t change anything.”

“I know…” he got up and grabbed his gunblade. “I’m gonna go to the training center. I need to clear my mind.”

“Alright. Nida told me we’ll arrive at the end of the afternoon.” She kissed him leaving. “See you later.”

 

When they arrived, the group left the Garden and took a van to reach the city. They went immediately to the Presidential Palace. Kiros and Ward accompanied them to Laguna’s office.

“How is Zell?” Asked Squall to Kiros, still walking toward Laguna’s office.

“He woke up about few hours ago. He calmed down but he still didn’t want to eat. Rinoa is with him.” Replied Kiros.

“Can we see him?” asked Miss Dincht.

“He made several anxiety attacks since he came here so the doctor suggested to let him rest. He doesn’t need any other emotional shock right now. I hope you understand.”

She nodded silently, trying to contain her tears. Selphie and Irvine were holding her hand to comfort her. Edea was crying, walking with difficulties. Her husband covered her waist with his strong arm but nothing could help her. She didn’t say to anybody. No one knew what she did to Seifer during the war, except Laguna, Ellone, and Zell. She felt ashamed and she didn’t find the courage to tell it to Cid. She loved him the same way she loved Squall, Quistis, Zell, Irvine, Selphie and Ellone. She took care of them when they were children but she always had a special relation with Seifer. Yes, he was a difficult child, but not with her; he always had been so kind with her, helping her and smiling at her all the time. Nobody knew this side of his personality. Seifer just needed to feel accepted and loved. That was why he followed her at Timber when he saw her. He recognized his beloved Matron. He didn’t understand she was controlled by Ultimecia and he suffered so badly when she forced him to fuck. Seifer was her son even if they weren’t blood related. They were a family. But he stopped to be one of the gang when he left the Garden to be her knight.

 

They arrived and entered in Laguna’s office. Raijin and Fujin were already there.

“Welcome everyone.” Said Laguna without joy.

The group answered silently waving with the hand or the head. Squall fixed Seifer’s friends when Fujin went closer to him slowly.

“Fujin, I’m…” but he couldn’t finish his sentence that the woman slapped his face violently, making the tall brunette moving back, holding his cheek with shock.

“BASTARD!” yelled Fujin, running toward Squall when Raijin grabbed her by the waist.

“Fujin! Stop it!”

“LET ME GO! THIS IS HIS FAULT!” she fought back when Raijin shouted, exasperated.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!”

Everyone froze. For the first time, Raijin seemed to dominate Fujin. He was usually obedient and followed her orders but now, he was the figure of authority.

“It’s already hard enough. We don’t need to fight in addition of that, ya know?”

She sighted, agreeing and returned at her place, glaring at Squall. Laguna approached and held a letter to his son.

“Seifer let this for you.”

Squall took it. “Did you read it?”

“No.”

They were interrupted by Rinoa. “Hi everyone.”

“Rin! How is Zell?” asked Quistis.

“He took another sedative to rest a bit. He’s weak since he still refuses to eat so the Doctor decided to feed him by intravenous drip with a tube in his arm…”

“Is it not too dangerous to give him so many medicines?” asked Miss Dincht. “I don’t want you drug my son…”

“I said the same thing to the Doctor but he replied Zell was really too fragile emotionally and his anxiety attacks could become heart attack if we don’t cool him…”

 “No…” cried Miss Dincht, desperate.

Rinoa approached and rubbed her back. “I talked with him before he fell asleep. He’s weak because of the lack of food and the sedatives but I’m sure he’s gonna be okay after few days…just give him the time to accept it.”

“Thanks to be there for him, Rinoa…” said Miss Dincht, smiling sadly and still crying.

“He’s my friend, Miss. I won’t leave him alone.”

They sat in silence. Squall was holding Seifer’s letter in his hands. Cid decided to break the heavy silence.

“What did you choose for his funerals?”

“We haven’t decided it yet. I think it’s Zell’s decision but Seifer said in the letter he let for Fujin and Raijin he had no special requests.” Replied Laguna.

“I see…”

Selphie put her hand on Squall’s shoulder. “Can you read the letter?”

“Out loud?” frowned Squall.

“Yes. Since the letter is addressed to all of us, I don’t think there’s something confidential.”

“Alright…” Squall unfolded the letter and began to read.

 

 

_“To the orphanage gang,_

_I don’t know if one of you would still give a shit about me and if you would take the time to read this letter, but if it’s the case, there’s something I need to confess to you. I don’t think it would change something for you but things have to be said._

_Quistis, I apologize to have been so rude with you when I was at the Garden. You always have been a good instructor and I regret to have made you lose your job, even if I suppose it wasn’t just my fault and your feelings for Squall were also one of the reasons you have been fired. Anyway, good luck with him._

_Selphie, you probably never forgave me for what happened to Trabia Garden. You lost a lot of friends there and I understand your hatred toward me. Believe me or not but I never wanted to destroy it. I just followed the orders. It would have been destroyed with or without me anyway. I couldn’t change anything. Sorry._

_Irvine, I used the Garden where you came from to fight the Bgu. I suppose you lost friends like Selphie did at Trabia Garden. What is done is done. But the invasion of Galbadia Garden had been decided a long time ago by Winzer Deling and Edea, before I arrived. But I understand you could be mad at me. My apologies._

_Rinoa, you’re definitely the person I hurt the most with Zell and Squall. However, you’re the one who didn’t blame me. Zell told me you never had been bitter toward me. You always have been kind and generous and I regret to not have been a good boyfriend for you. I think you knew the same way I did that it wouldn’t work between us since the beginning. We were too different but I didn’t regret to have met you. I’ve no doubt Timber will be free one day because you work so hard for this that it couldn’t be different. Good luck with the forest owls. Forgive me to have fucked up everything between us and most of everything, I’m so sorry to have given you to Adel. I didn’t know what I did at this time but I never forgave myself for this. I wish you the best._

_And finally, Squall. My apologies for the scar I did to you during our duel; to have tortured you in D-District Prison; and to have caused you so many troubles. But in the end, you won. I admit my defeat and I give you Hyperion as a sign of submission. I hurt you and you hurt me back forcing me to give up on Zell. When you’ll read it, I would be dead, so it’s finally over. You took your revenge and you even didn’t have to dirty your hands killing me for this. Congratulations._

_Now, I made amends, I have to tell you what I have on my heart since a long time. I hurt you, yes; But all of you are fucking hypocrites. I never had been one of yours since the beginning when we were at the orphanage. I wasn’t one of the gang. Never. You can’t deny it. Yes, I was the one who followed Edea at Timber, but nobody ever wondered what happened to me at this time. Nobody tried to help me, except Fujin and Raijin. It was easier for you to think I was a traitor, but if it had been Squall in my place, would you have done the same thing? No, and all of you know it. You would have done anything to save him from Ultimecia’s grip. You never believed that I could have been manipulated. Only Fujin, Raijin and Zell believed me. I know Zell wanted to avenge me when he thought I had been executed but no of you gave a shit about me. You never forgave me but you strangely forgot what Edea did. Of course! She’s our beloved Matron! But you saw what she did: she killed Deling, ordered the destruction of Trabia and Balamb Garden, and invaded Galbadia Garden. But you forgave her. I didn’t have the same treatment. You don’t know everything. She’s not so innocent. She used me and not only the way you saw. If she remembers or if she has the guts to tell you, you’ll understand what I mean. In my case, I can’t see her the same way I used to do when I was a kid._

_I don’t know what would happen when I would be gone. I just want to see Zell happy. You’re his friends. Take care of him. Be there for him. He needs support, so stop acting selfishly and think about him more. He left Balamb Garden because nobody gave him attention. I let him enough money to live peacefully but don’t leave him alone whatever he would say. Try to convince him to talk with his mother and help him to find someone good. I want his happiness more than anything. Take care of him._

_Seifer Almasy.”_

 

When Squall finished reading, he fixed the letter sadly. He realized that all the things Seifer wrote were right. He recognized his mistakes and he felt sorry. Squall always wondered if the tall blond had regrets. He had his answer: yes. On the other time, the brunette was the only one who had regrets. The two of them never had the same luck, the same life…and the same end. Squall was the exact opposite of Seifer. When the first one was a hero, the savior of the world, the other was the traitor and the enemy. When the first one was loved and respected, the other was hated and chased away. When the first one had a family and friends around him, the other was alone. Seifer always had been the other.

“Matron? What Seifer meant?” asked Quistis.

Edea looked down, embarrassed and ashamed. They noticed Laguna and Rinoa weren’t at ease.

“What’s wrong? Laguna, Rinoa, you seem to know something too…” noticed Irvine.

“We know what Seifer meant, but we don’t have to say it. It’s Edea’s decision.” Replied Laguna.

“Darling?” demanded Cid, taking her hand. “Tell us.”

She hid her face with her hand. “I can’t…”

“Matron, whatever you did at this time, it was under Ultimecia’s control. Nobody can blame you.” Reassured Selphie.

“I can’t. Please, don’t force me to tell you.”

“Is it related to what happened the last time we visited Seifer and Zell at Dollet?” asked Squall.

“Yes…”

Cid rubbed her back. “Darling…please. We need to know. Selphie is right. Nobody will blame you for anything.”

She started to cry. She wasn’t only ashamed; she was also guilty. It wasn’t just Squall’s fault if Seifer killed himself, but also her. Now, she had to live with this on her mind.

“I..I..forced him. I abused him…” she confessed.

“Wh..what?” blinked Cid and the group.

“I didn’t remember so I asked Ellone to bring me back in the past to see what I did…he never wanted to do this with me but…I used him. I used him for Ultimecia’s sexual fantasies…I betrayed him…and I betrayed you.” She said facing her husband.

“Edea…”

“I’m a monster! I’m so ashamed! if only you could know how much I regret it…he suffered so much when he did it! He begged me…he begged me to stop but I couldn’t hear him. I was his mother and…” she even couldn’t finish her sentence.

“Matron…” said sadly Quistis.

“It wasn’t you and Seifer knew it.” Added Squall.

“It didn’t change anything in the end. He hated me after what I did to him. He hated me until his last breath…”

Nobody said anything else. They had no word to comfort Edea. In fact, it was a shock for all of them, especially Cid. But they couldn’t do anything now. If only Seifer said it earlier, they could have helped him. Zell helped him but they could have been there too. It was too late now.

* * *

 

The next day, when Zell woke up, Fujin and Raijin were already there. Rinoa joined them later on the morning. They explained his mother, Squall and the rest of the group were there and wanted to see him. At the beginning, they feared his reaction but Zell didn’t seem to be upset or something. He agreed to see them.

When they entered in his room, they were shocked to see Zell’s face. He had dark rings under his eyes. He looked like a zombie. His mother approached slowly when Zell turned his face and fixed her.

“Zell…”

“Hi mom…”

She hugged him tightly in her arms but the martial artist didn’t move or hug her back, first because he was too weak for this but also because he had no desire to do it. He was still angry against everyone, especially his mother and Squall. He gave a cold glance to his ex-best friend before speaking.

“I won’t lie to you: I will never forgive you to have rejected Seifer. It’s your fault if he killed himself…”

“Zell, you have the right to be bitter against me but your mother didn’t do anything…” replied Squall.

“I told you…if you couldn’t accept my relation with him to leave me alone…but you didn’t listen to me.”

“I know…I was worried for you, but I regret it. I would do anything to go back in the past and change it…but I can’t.”

“I don’t care.”

“Zell, honey, please…we miss you.”

“I miss Seifer, mom. I was happy with him but he’s gone now…nobody ever wondered what I could feel.”

They kept silent, feeling guilty. Zell looked at the opposite direction, fixing the window sadly.

“You know…I always wanted people’s attention…and now, I’d like to never have it.” He smiled. “All of you pretended to act for my own good, even Seifer…but in the end, everybody hurt me. I preferred when I was ignored. At this time, I wasn’t happy, but not at this point…”

Laguna approached. “I’m sorry to ask it, but you have to tell us what you want for Seifer’s funerals.”

“I understand…I want to go to Winhill. It will be the best place to let him rest in peace.”

“Why Winhill?” asked Rinoa.

“Because it was there when he said he loved me for the first time. We spent some days in this town and it was great…” remembered the martial artist.

“Okay. I’ll prepare everything.” Nodded Laguna.

“Thanks.” He fixed everyone before concluded. “Fujin, Raijin, Rinoa and Laguna will accompany me, but I don’t want any of you at his funerals.”

“But…” said his mother before being cut by Zell.

“I told you: I will never forgive you. I want to share this moment with people who cared about him. Now, leave.”

The group accepted Zell’s decision and left the room, in silence. Miss Dincht was crying but it didn’t impact Zell’s anger. They ruined their relationship and pushed Seifer to commit suicide. Now, they couldn’t change the past and erase the mistakes they did.

 

* * *

 

Few days later, Laguna, Rinoa, Raijin, Fujin and Zell buried Seifer in the small cemetery in Winhill. Squall was there too, but he stayed away, far enough to not draw the attention on him. He needed to be there to say a last goodbye to his former rival…but also to be there for Zell, even if he didn’t want his company. Zell and the others were on their back but during the funerals, the martial artist turned his head on Squall’s direction. The brunette hid but he understood Zell saw him.

 

 

Few months passed. Zell never left Esthar. He stayed at the Presidential Palace with Rinoa and Laguna. He didn’t have the strength to run the Nautilus anymore so he let his employees do it at his place. He didn’t eat a lot and lost weight. His health was still fragile so he had his personal doctor. Raijin and Fujin visited him often but returned at Horizon and Galbadia Garden. Rinoa never let his side. She married Laguna few months after Seifer’s death and became the first lady of Esthar. No one in the orphanage group went to their wedding, just the former members of the Forest owls. The Major Caraway tried to do everything he could to make Rinoa change her mind but nothing worked.

“I’m so tired. I don’t wanna leave.” Complained Rinoa.

“Come on Rin! It’s gonna be fun. Shumi village is nice. Besides, you just leave for two days.” Replied Zell.

“I know.” She sat at the end of the bed.

He smiled at her. “Rin…there’s something I’d like to tell you.”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m…I’m thankful for all what you’ve done for me with Laguna. You took care of me after Seifer’s death and you never left my side. It means a lot to me. Thank you so much.”

Rinoa frowned and rapidly felt worried. “Zell? What’s wrong?”

“What?”

“You…You talk as if you’re gonna leave or something. Don’t tell me…”

“I’m not suicidal, Rin. You don’t have to be so concerned.”

“But…you seem so depressed suddenly.”

“I am since Seifer left.”

“Zell…I wish I could help you but…”

“There’s nothing you can do. Your presence by my side is enough.”

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. It was Laguna.

“Hi guys!”

“Hi Laguna.” Replied Zell smiling.

“How are you today?”

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Good.” Laguna turned his attention on Rinoa. “Rin? What’s wrong?”

She didn’t reply. Zell smiled and took her hand. “Rin is just worried for me, as always. I just said I was thankful to you for what you’ve done for me and she began to imagine the worse…”

“You don’t have to thank us, Zell. It’s a pleasure to have you with us.”

“Thanks. You should leave or you’re gonna be late.” Suggested the martial artist.

“You’re right. Rin? Are you ready to go?”

But the young woman continued to fix Zell with a concerned look.

“Rin?”

“Yes…I’m coming.” She approached and hugged Zell in her arms before kissing his forehead gently. “Try to rest okay? We’ll come back soon.”

“Alright. Have a nice trip you two.” Concluded Zell smiling.

“Bye Zell!” waved Laguna.

When the two lovers left his bedroom, Rinoa grabbed Laguna’s arm.

“I’m worried for Zell. Could you turn on the cameras on his bedroom please?” she demanded.

“But why?”

“I think something is wrong with him. I just…I’m afraid he commits suicide.”

“Rin, Zell seems to be okay. If he really wanted to kill himself, he would have done it a long time ago.”

“Please…”

“But I don’t wanna spy him like this. He needs some privacy.”

“I don’t wanna lose him. Please…”

“Alright…I’m gonna ask Kiros to do it.” He sighted agreeing.

“Thanks.”

 

They left few minutes later with the Ragnarok. Laguna promised to the shumis he would come back one day but he never found the time to do it. He wanted to thank them to have taken care of him when he had been hurt. There was a long time since he didn’t come back there and he was impatient, but seeing Rinoa so worried made him wonder if it was a good thing after all to let Zell alone. He was too weak and thin to travel and he didn’t really want it either. Laguna didn’t understand why his wife was so stressed because Zell seemed to be fine. Maybe because it was the first time in several months they left him alone?

 

 

On the afternoon, Zell had asked, for the first time in six months to eat something. He ordered hotdogs and some vegetables. Kiros spent few hours with him, talking about Laguna and Ward when they were soldiers in Galbadia army. He also called his mother, Squall and the others to give them so news about him. It was the first time he had done this since Seifer’s funerals. At the end of the day, he decided to take a nap. He fixed the ceiling and sighted, closing his eyes.

“Would you be there to wait for me when I’ll join you?” he asked, talking alone out loud before closing his eyes. “Sorry Rin…”

 

* * *

 

The night was about to fall on Shumi Village. The shumis organized a big party to welcome Laguna and his wife. But Rinoa couldn’t enjoy this moment. She was still nervous and worried for Zell. Her husband joined her in her bedroom.

“If you can’t relax, call Kiros and ask him if everything is okay with Zell.” He held her his cell phone. “Here.”

She grabbed it and nodded. She composed the number and waited when Kiros answered.

“Hello?”

“Kiros? Rinoa’s speaking. Is everything alright with Zell?”

“Hi Rin. Yes, everything is fine. Zell is taking a nap right now. He asked to eat some hotdogs lately and he even called his mother and the others at the Garden.”

“Really?” blinked the brunette.

“Yes. I think he begins to feel better.”

“Okay…take care of him and call me if something happens.”

“Alright. Enjoy your stay.”

She hung up the phone and thanked Laguna.

“Satisfied?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I suppose I’m a bit overprotective with him…”

“We’re gonna leave tomorrow morning. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Then, let’s join the shumis. They’re waiting for us.”

 

* * *

 

The next day, Kiros went to see Zell. The martial artist was still sleeping so he decided to not disturb him. He seemed to be so peaceful that he didn’t want to wake him up. Laguna and Rinoa were on the road for Esthar with the Ragnarok. They arrived at the end of the morning.

“Hello? How was your trip?” asked Kiros.

“Great! The shumis are so kind. I’m gonna visit them next month.”

“Good. Hi Rin!”

“Hi Kiros. How is Zell?”

“He’s still sleeping. He didn’t take any sedative last night. It’s the first time in several months that he doesn’t need it to sleep. I didn’t want to disturb him.”

“I see…”

The three of them were walking in the corridors but Rinoa seemed to be nervous again. They were on the way to reach Laguna’s quarters when she stopped.

“I prefer to see him first.”

“Rin…let him sleep.”

“Laguna, please. I…I’m not at ease. I won’t wake him up. I just need to see him.”

The two men looked each other. “Fine…if that’s what you want…”

“Thanks. Let’s go to his room.”

They reached Zell’s bedroom quickly. Rinoa knocked but nobody answered. She opened the door and entered. They approached carefully without making any noise when they arrived in front of his bed.

“See? He’s sleeping. Let him alone now.” Whispered Laguna.

But Rinoa didn’t listen and went closer. Zell seemed to be paler than usual. She touched his face and noticed the coldness of his skin. She began to panic.

“Zell?” she called.

But he didn’t answer. She continued to call him and shook his body. When she saw he didn’t react, she checked his pulse…

“Rin?” demanded Laguna worried. He approached with his friend. Rinoa was frozen, in shock. Kiros took Zell’s hand and checked his pulse too when he finally raised his head to fix Laguna.

“He’s…he’s dead…”

 

 

After the shock they received, Laguna had ordered an autopsy to understand the causes of Zell’s death. Rinoa was heartbroken and didn’t stop crying all the day, refusing to leave Zell’s bedroom. Kiros called the Garden, Zell’s mother, Raijin and Fujin to inform them about this tragedy. They were on the road for Esthar. They were waiting for the doctor in Laguna’s office. Rinoa joined them with Ward.

“Honey…” said Laguna, taking her in his arms.

“I knew…I knew something was wrong…” she told him, crying.

“We don’t know what happened to him but Kiros and I looked the videotapes. Zell didn’t do anything…”

“But…maybe he took something? A poison or something else?” she guessed.

“Let’s see what the doctor will say.” Concluded Kiros.

“Did…you call the others?”

“Yes. Zell’s mother was very shocked and depressed…”

“I could guess…what about Squall?”

“I didn’t talk to him but to Cid. He was on mission with the others when I called. Cid sent me a message to confirm us that they were on the road. He probably told them now…”

“I see…”

They waited for autopsy results several hours when the doctor finally arrived. He entered in Laguna’s office with few documents on his hand.

“So? What can you tell us, Doctor?” asked the President.

“I can confirm you that the causes of the death are natural.”

“What? It can’t be true! He was perfectly fine yesterday and he even ate…”

“Yes but there was nothing abnormal in his analysis. He didn’t take anything and there’s no trace of suicide attempt. No scar, no bruise, no cut, no mark of strangulation…nothing.”

“Then, how he could have died?” asked Rinoa.

“I think…he just had no desire to live anymore. I can’t explain scientifically how it is possible but I can confirm you there’s nothing wrong in his physical condition. Of course, he was thin and weak but not at the point to die.”

“So…we would have done nothing more to save him?” demanded the woman.

“No Miss…I think he would have died anyway. He probably felt he was dying so he didn’t fight back.”

“That’s why he told me that this morning…he knew he was about to die…”

“Definitely…”

Laguna took her in his arms and comforted her. “At least, he’s with the one he loves now…”

“Zell…”


	10. Chapter 10

Six months later.

After Zell’s death, things changed dramatically for everyone. Zell’s mother became sick and had to be hospitalized because of several heart attacks. She stayed on life support. The doctors weren’t confident about her state and said to the gang it was just a question of time before she died. Edea fell in depression and had been sent in a mental institution in Esthar. Cid gave his resignation to take care of her. But every day, Edea became a bit more insane. He felt so helpless to see his wife like this that he started to drink and became alcoholic. Before leaving Balamb, he had given his post to Squall who refused it. Actually, Squall was probably the one who suffered the most from Zell’s death. When Laguna and Rinoa called Cid to tell them the terrible truth, Squall, Quistis, Selphie and Irvine were on mission, at Timber. He recalled this day every time…

 

**_“Commander Leonhart, seeds Trepe, Tilmitt and Kinneas are requested to the headmaster’s office, immediately.”_ **

_“Whoa! Can’t we have the right to rest a bit? We just came back!” complained Selphie._

_“It looks like important. Let’s go.” Said Quistis._

_The group took the elevator to reach the second floor. Xu was leaving the office when she met the group._

_“Hi Xu!” said Quistis happily, when she noticed the sadness on her face. “Something is wrong?”_

_“Welcome back guys…Cid is waiting for you.” Replied Xu with no enthusiasm._

_“Xu…what happened to you? You look so depressed…”_

_“Quis…I don’t think you would feel better after your meeting with Cid. Besides, there’s something I have to do right now and…I know it’s gonna be hard.” She shook her head slowly. “I’ll see you later…and hold on.” Then, Xu left and took the elevator._

_“Hyne! I never saw her like this before…I hope she’s alright…” said Quistis worried._

_“Let’s meet Cid. This way, you could go to comfort her.” Suggested Squall._

_“Yes, you’re right.”_

_They knocked and entered in the room. Cid was talking to the phone. He looked really depressed and worried on the same time. He made a sign to the group with his hand to enter._

_“Ok…give her something to cool her, Doc. I’ll join you right away after I told them. Okay…thank you.” He hung up the phone._

_“Something is wrong headmaster?” asked Irvine._

_“Edea is at the infirmary. She collapsed after I told her. Doctor Kadowaki is taking care of her, right now…”_

_“Is she alright?” demanded Selphie._

_“I think so…Doc said it was because of the shock. Edea didn’t need this in addition of that, after Seifer’s death. But it’s not like I could hide it to her indefinitely.”_

_“What are you talking about? What did you say to her to put her in this state?” wondered Squall._

_“Xu wasn’t better when she left your office. What is going on here?” added Quistis._

_“You should sit.”_

_The group hesitated but obeyed and sat in front of Cid. The old man took a big breath before speaking._

_“I sent Xu to Balamb, to tell it to Zell’s mother…”_

_“To tell what? Something is wrong with Zell?” asked Squall alarmed._

_“Indeed…” Cid took off his glasses. “Your father called about two hours ago. I’m deeply sorry, Squall…”_

_“Sorry? About what?”_

_Cid just gave a glance to Quistis who understood quickly. She covered her mouth with a hand, swallowing the shock. Irvine was the second to guess what this silence meant…but Selphie and Squall were still confused._

_“What? Tell me!!” Squall got pissed to wait for answers._

_Cid sighted and finally put words on this tragedy. “Squall, Zell…is gone.”_

_“Gone? Where? I thought they were watching him all the time in Esthar?” demanded Squall._

_“Oh no…no!!” cried Selphie who got it._

_Squall made a pause to think, observing the reactions around him: Quistis, Selphie and Irvine crying, Matron at the infirmary after a terrible shock, and Xu sent to Balamb to talk with Zell’s mother…_

_“Squall, what I mean is Zell is…dead.” Explained calmly Cid._

_“No, no, no…you have to be wrong. It can’t be…there’s…you should have misunderstood what Laguna said and…” denied Squall._

_“No, Squall. There’s no doubt about this…I’m sorry…It’s a shock for me too…”_

_Squall got up abruptly and threw everything which was on Cid’s desk on the floor with a single move. “YOU’RE LYING! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!!!”_

_“Behave yourself, Squall!” said firmly Cid._

_Irvine grabbed his friend by the waist to control his anger. Squall struggled with all of his strength in vain, screaming. “YOU’RE WRONG!!! ZELL CAN’T BE DEAD!! YOU’RE LYING! YOU’RE LYING!!!”_

_He continued to fight during a short time when he finally fell on his knees exhausted, still hold by Irvine. Quistis and Selphie approached and hugged the two men in her arms._

_“It can’t be…it’s impossible…” cried Squall against Irvine’s chest. “Tell me…tell me this is just a nightmare…”_

_Cid walked toward them, crossing his arms behind his back. “I’d like to say it, Squall. It’s difficult for each of us…”_

_“What…what happened to him? How did this happen?” demanded Quistis, still caressing Squall’s hair to cool him._

_“This morning, Laguna and Rinoa went to visit Zell in his room after their return from Shumi village. Kiros had watched him the previous night and said Zell was perfectly fine. He even ate a bit more than usual and took his medication…but when they went to see him, they found him dead on his bed. They made an autopsy but the doctor found nothing. The causes of the death are natural…”_

_“Natural? NATURAL??” Blinked Squall. “IF HE WAS FINE YESTERDAY, WHY DID HE DIE??”_

_“I don’t know. There was a camera in Zell’s room to watch him twenty four hours a day and Zell did nothing special during this time. He ate his meals and went to sleep. He didn’t took an overdose of medication, poison or anything else…they don’t know why he died.”_

_“Zell…” sighted Selphie, crying. “I can’t believe it…”_

_The Bgu went to Esthar right away. When they finally saw by themselves Zell’s dead body, all of them had received a terrible shock. Zell’s mother fainted, the same way Edea did in her Husband’s arms. Selphie fell on her knees crying, comforted by Irvine who wasn’t in a better state. Raijin and Fujin took care of Zell’s mother. Squall lost his control desperate to have lost his best friend, screaming like a fool. Even Laguna, Kiros and Quistis couldn’t calm him. He reached Zell’s body, crawling and held him against his chest. He refused to let him go, begging him to wake up. Laguna made a discreet sign to Kiros who went to look for the doctor. He came back with him and two other nurses to take care of Zell’s mother, Edea and Squall. But the tall brunette refused to let go his friend’s body. They injected him a sedative and he finally collapsed in his father’s arms._

 

Squall never recovered his mental health after that. He refused the post of the Headmaster that Cid gave him. He even gave his resignation as commander. Xu took his place and ran the Garden with Nida and Quistis. Squall started to close his heart slowly. He stopped eating, sleeping and fighting. He drank a lot and even took some drugs. He sank slowly in madness. Quistis and his friends lost count how many times they found him in an awful state in his bedroom. He became thinner and addicted to drug and alcohol. He refused to talk with anyone. His relationship with Quistis deteriorated every day. She didn’t know what to do, so, she threatened him to break up if he didn’t make an effort to stop drinking and taking drugs. It didn’t work and he let his relationship ended. Despite of that, Quistis was still there, to take care of him, neglecting her work as Commander at the Garden. She called Laguna to request help. His father, his sister Ellone, Rinoa and his friends made everything to help him, in vain, until Squall went too far, trying to commit suicide, slicing his veins. They took the decision to send him on the same mental institution than Edea, but with an enhanced monitoring. Quistis, Selphie and Irvine made a break in their job to take care of him, the same way Cid did with Edea. Everyone left for Esthar.

* * *

 

One afternoon, Quistis, Ellone, Rinoa and Laguna were on their way to visit Squall. They just finished visiting Edea. The lack of sleep and the depression completely ravaged her beautiful face.   

“I called Balamb Hospital this morning. They said Zell’s mother state degraded again…” sighted Quistis sorrowfully.

“The poor woman…I don’t think she would be able to recover one day.” Said Laguna.

“I know. I just hope Squall won’t end this way either…”

“You have to believe in him, Quisty. I know it’s hard but…”

“Ellone…I’ve tried everything. I thought I could help him but I’m completely useless. Even our love wasn’t enough strong to save him…”

“It’s not over, Quis. It’s not over…keep faith in him.” Added Rinoa.

 

They arrived. Squall was tied to his bed, with a blank expression on his face. He looked like a ghost with his thin figure and the dark rings under his eyes.

“Squall?” called Laguna.

But he didn’t answer. He even didn’t turn his head to look at them, fixing the wall with dead eyes. His meal tray was on the table. He didn’t eat.

“You should eat something…you’re too thin.” Said Rinoa.

No answer.

“Selphie and Irvine will visit you tomorrow. The doctor said we should come in a small group.” Explained Ellone.

Silence.

Quistis had enough and ran toward Squall pressing his shoulders forcefully with her hands.

“THAT’S IT, SQUALL! DO YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SUFFERING???” yelled the blonde.

“Quistis, please…” Rinoa tried to calm her but she pushed her away.

“ZELL WAS ALSO OUR FRIEND! WE MISS HIM THE SAME WAY!! DON’T YOU THINK IT’S ALREADY HARD ENOUGH??”

No reply.

“FOR HYNE’S SAKE, SAY SOMETHING!!” she cried, falling on her knees. “You…You just drag us in the same darkness, Squall…we already lost Seifer and Zell, we don’t need to lose you in addition of that…please…please…”

“Then…leave.”

The group fixed his attention on Squall. Quistis went on her feet again.

“But…I love you. I’ll never leave you, Squall…”

“Don’t you think I already caused enough damages around me?” asked Squall.

“Squall…” sighted Laguna.

“I know…I know what you’re hiding me. I know Zell’s mother is dying because of her pain. I know Matron became insane. I know in what kind of state Cid is right now because of this, drinking and drinking again like I used to do before you sent me here by force…I know how much I hurt all of you, especially you, Quis…and you keep coming to see me…”

“We won’t give up on you.” Said Ellone.

“All this mess…happened because of me. My hatred for Seifer pushed him at the suicide, which pushed Zell to death, which pushed his mother to the desperation and Matron to the madness…I can’t support this weight on my conscience anymore…”

“Let us help you…” told Quistis rubbing her soft hand against his cheek.

“If only…if only I kept my fucking big mouth closed, Seifer wouldn’t have done this and Zell would be still alive…I destroyed everything around me: I killed my best friend breaking his heart, I’m taking the lives of all the persons he cherished slowly like his mother or Matron…I fucked up my relationship with my father, with my girlfriend…and whatever I try to do to make the things better never works…I failed to die and living is a torture each passing day…” cried Squall, desperate.

“Oh, Squall…I’d like so much to erase all your pains. I would do anything for this…”

“I know, Quis…I know.” He was holding her hand when he looked at his sister. “I’d like to talk with sis, please…in privacy.”

They looked at him a bit confused, but agreed. “We’ll wait in the corridor.” Said Laguna.

“Thanks.”

When they left, Ellone sat on the bed, just at Squall’s side. “What is it?”

“I’ve got something important to ask you.”

“Anything you want. Tell me.” She took his hand fixing him with affection.

“Send me in the past.”

She frowned. “When?”

“When…Zell was still alive.”

“Oh…Squall…” she shook her head sadly.

“Please. I need to see his face. I almost forgot his blissful smile, his joy…please. I’m begging you.”

“You’re already in a bad state, Squall. It’s not a good idea…”

“I’ll do anything you want if you do that for me.” He looked around him and saw his plate. “I’ll eat. Okay? Please…”

“I shouldn’t…”

“This is the only thing I ask you. You can’t refuse it to me, sis. Please…please…”

Ellone hid her face with her hands. “I can’t believe you’re asking me that…” she said mooning. “Fine but you have to eat after that, promised?”

“Promised. Let’s do it.”

“Okay…” she crossed her hands to use her power. Squall fainted just some seconds later.

 

_Squall woke up in a small apartment. A place he didn’t remember. He looked around him when he recognized Seifer. The tall blond was drinking a cup of tea, sitting on his sofa. Zell arrived just two minutes later._

_“Seifer? I’m back.”_

_“Welcome home. How was your day?”_

_“Fine…what about you? How do you feel?”_

_“Better. I’ve made the dinner: roast chicken and pasta with mushrooms. Sounds good?”_

_Zell put his hands on his hips. “I told you I would do it! You’re supposed to rest!”_

_“I’m not disabled you know? It’s just a cold and I feel better now. I don’t cough anymore and my temp’s coming down.” He approached and stocked Zell’s cheek with affection. “Hungry?”_

_“Hyne, Yes! I could eat a chocobo!”_

_They ate, talking about the work and other things. Zell never stopped speaking and speaking again, and Seifer was just listening. Sometimes, he agreed but said nothing more. Seeing the two lovers so happy made Squall realize how much he missed them. He couldn’t help to smile when he looked at Zell blabbering nonstop about everything._

_When they finished doing the dishes, they went to the living room to watch the tv. Seifer sat near of his lover and put his head on Zell’s shoulder. He decided to break the silence._

_“Zell?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I…wanna talk.”_

_“Talk? About what?”_

_“About you.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“I think you know what I mean.”_

_Zell frowned. “Sorry…but no. What are you talking about?”_

_“You’re different since your mother’s birthday…and it became worse with the “incident” at the shop with Matron and the others. I think you hide me something.”_

_“Seif…I’m just…I’m still in shock after have seen you injured this day…I thought you died, and your anxiety attack the last time didn’t help me. I mean…I never saw you so disrupted and panicked before…”_

_“There’s more…I know it.”_

_“No…I told you the truth.”_

_“I didn’t say you lied to me. I said there’s something else you don’t tell me.” corrected the tall blond. “I thought you trusted me?”_

_“I do!”_

_“So? What don’t you say me what’s wrong? I let you help me. It works two ways.” After a short pause, Seifer talked again.“Look at me, Zell.”_

_The little blonde blushed.“I know what you’re gonna say if I tell you…”_

_“Let me guess: You talked about us to your mother and she didn’t accept your relationship with me? And after what happened with matron, you had to explain it to the others and they reacted badly?”_

_“Yes…”_

_Seifer sighted. “I knew things were gonna turn this way…”_

_“It’s not your fault! I don’t care about them!”_

_“But I do, because I know, even if you don’t want to admit it, that it hurts you.”_

_“We’ve done nothing wrong okay? If we love each other, it’s nobody business!”_

_“You can’t turn your back to your mother and to your friends either.”_

_“They’re not my friends anymore.”_

_“What about your mom?”_

_“I…” Zell didn’t know what to say. Seifer shook his head sadly._

_“See? You even don’t know how to answer.”_

_“I just need more time. I’m sure she will understand…”_

_“You’re lying to yourself, Zell and you know it.”_

_“What should I do then? I should break up with the man I love just to please them?”_

_“It’s probably the best thing to do…”_

_“No way!!”_

_“Zell…it won’t work…”_

_“It worked during all this time. We never argued and we’re happy together. Why everything should stop?”_

_“Because it asks you too many sacrifices. You shouldn’t have to choose between them and me.”_

_“They shouldn’t have asked me to choose between them and you. It’s their fault, not yours.”_

_“I don’t want this…”_

_“Seifer, please…”_

_“I don’t want this, Zell. I knew it would happen but I kept hope, thinking that it could be different. But it doesn’t work.”_

_Squall rubbed his head sadly with his hand. **“No, Seifer…it’s not your fault but only mine.”** He approached and put his hand on Seifer’s shoulder. He was just a ghost so he thought he wouldn’t feel anything, when the tall blonde looked around him frowning. _

_“What did you say?”_

_“Huh?” wondered Zell._

_“Not you…I…I heard and felt something…” said Seifer._

_Squall fixed his hand with shock and realized Seifer actually felt his presence. **“Hyne! You heard me?? Seifer? Do you see me???”**_

_But the tall blonde shrugged. “I guess it’s nothing…never mind…”_

_Zell grabbed Seifer’s cheeks with his hands. “Don’t you love me?”_

_“Of course I do! I love you more than anything!!”_

_“Then, don’t ask me to leave you.”_

_“Zell…”_

_“Please, Seifer. I love you. I can live without my friends, even without my mom…but not without you.”_

_“Do you realize what you’re saying?”_

_“Yeah, but it’s what I think. I need you.”_

_“You’re crazy…”_

_“Yeah, crazy about you!”_

_Seifer smiled, laughing. “What can I say after that?” Then, he kissed Zell with passion._

 

The scene vanished and Squall opened his eyes. He was back to his bedroom at the hospital. Ellone was still there with him.

“Are you okay, Squall?”

“Sis…” he was breathing heavily.

“Are you feeling bad? Should I call a doctor or something?” she asked again, worried.

“I…I saw Zell… and Seifer…”

“Oh…Maybe I should have sent you more far away in the past…”

“No…No, it’s okay. I’m fine. But…when Seifer was talking to Zell, I think he heard me…”

“What?”

“Yes! I…I just whispered something and I put my hand on Seifer’s shoulder and he reacted…Zell didn’t see me, but Seifer felt my presence. I don’t think he saw me but…he felt something was wrong…that, they weren’t alone in the same place…”

“It doesn’t mean anything, Squall. We can’t change the past, only reliving it…”

 “Can you send me again? “

“No! You promised you would eat and…”

“I will but please, send me again…”

“Not today…I can’t. I’m exhausted and I don’t think it’s good for you…”

“Then, tomorrow??” demanded Squall with hope.

“I don’t know…”

“Please. I’ll be good and I’ll eat. I’ll do anything. Please: promise me you will send me tomorrow…please?”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay…but now, you eat!”

“Fine…” Squall looked at his wrists. “Could you at least untie me, please?”

“Of course.” She released his hands and put his meal tray in front of him. She called Laguna, Quistis and Rinoa who were waiting in the corridor. When they came back, they were particularly surprised to see Squall eating. Quistis pulled Ellone by the arm.

“Ellone….what the hell did you say to him to make him eat??” she murmured.

“Oh…nothing. I just gave him some hope…” lied Ellone. “Let’s talk about it later.”

 

* * *

 

The next day, Ellone came back early, before the others. She pretended to go for a walk to change her mind. But she went directly to the clinic to see Squall. She promised to him she would send him on the past again…and she preferred to keep it secret. People would think she would just twist the knife in his wound. Actually, she understood more than everybody what Squall could feel. During the war, she sent him in the past, hoping to change things. She missed her parents, Raine and her friends. She never asked Squall’s opinion to do it and used him to relive her past. Now, Squall asked her a favor. She just hoped she wouldn’t push him deeper in his depression…even if it couldn’t be worse than now.

“Sis. Thanks for coming.” Welcomed Squall.

“Hi…did you eat today?”

“Yes I did. Breakfast and lunch. You can ask to the nurses.”

“No…I believe in you.”

“Great. Let’s waste no time. Send me, please.”

She crossed her arms, thinking. “I continue to think it’s not a good idea, Squall…”

“You promised.”

“Okay, okay…” she moved closer and sat on the chair. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

She used her power and sent Squall in the past. He fainted, crashing his back on the bed again.

 

_Squall took some minutes to realize where he was when he recognized the land of Deling city. Seifer got out of his car and was roaring like a beast, screaming insults and cursing his life._

_“No…No…” whispered Seifer shaking his head._

_Squall was looking at him with sadness._

_“Fucking Bastard!!!”_

_Seifer began to cry, falling on the ground. He pressed his back against his car, fixing the sky sadly, whispering Zell’s name again and again._

_He finally took his cell phone, breathing heavily, still crying and composed Zell’s number, but he got his voice mail:_

_“Hello, I’m sorry but I’m busy now. Let me a message and I’ll call you back soon. Thank you.”_

_Seifer tried to talk calmly but his voice was trembling: “Zell, it’s me…I call you to say that I won’t come back tonight. I won’t come back anymore…I’m sorry to have to tell you this on your voice mail, but it’s probably better this way. I’ve been really happy with you but…it doesn’t work. You deserve better than me, Zell…You’re wonderful…I love you…I love you enough to do what is the best for you. Goodbye.” He hung up the phone and threw it on the ground before destroying it with his foot._

_“It was the best thing to do…” he said._

_Squall approached and tried to grab his arm. **“No, Seifer! Don’t do that! Zell will never recover from your death! Please!!”**_

_Seifer turned around to see what was going on behind him but saw nothing. “Wh…what was that?”_

**_“SEIFER! SEIFER!”_ ** _Squall called and called the tall blonde again, desperate. **“Please! You have to hear me! I know you can feel my presence! It’s me! Squall…please…”**_

_Seifer rubbed his head with his hand, laughing. “Good…I’m crazy! It’s the last thing I needed…”_

**_“No, no! Don’t leave…”_ ** _Squall looked around him. He was invisible and vaporous like a cloud. Seifer was about to get in his car when Squall ran to him and passed through his body, falling on the ground. Seifer moved away, shivering. He had felt something cold crossing his entire body._

_“What the hell??? I’m not that insane! I felt something...” He grabbed Hyperion on the back of his car and held his weapon searching his enemy. “COME AND GET ME, SUCKER!”_

_Squall got up and came closer. **“Seifer, it’s me, Squall. Just calm down and try to focus on my voice…”**_

_Seifer was slashing the air with his gunblade. He heard voices but couldn’t understand the words. “Is that you, fucking bitch? You came back to haunt me, right?”_

_**“No, Seifer! Ultimecia is dead. It’s me, Squall…”**_

_“I’m not afraid of you…Show yourself and let’s end this! I’ve nothing to lose, now! Come and fight me!”_

 

But Squall never had the time to speak again than he returned in the present. Ellone was staring at him, worried, just above his head. “Squall? You’re alright??”

“Sis! Why did you bring me back?? I was so close…”

“I can’t control my power. I’m doing my best…”

“Sorry. Let’s go back.”

“Let’s go back where?” asked another voice who just came in the room.

“Quistis??”

“What are you doing here?” asked Squall.

“I followed Ellone. I suspected something yesterday. I want to know what you two are doing.”

“Not your business. Leave!”

“No way! Tell me!!”

“I’ve nothing to tell you…I said leave!”

Ellone put herself between the two former lovers. “Enough! Both of you!!” She turned around to fix Squall. “I need to recover before doing it again. I’ll take a coffee. Use this time to explain her everything.”

“But…”

“I won’t send you again if you don’t tell her. You owe her this, Squall…” Ellone approached and kissed his forehead. “Quistis always had been there for you. She deserves to know after all what she did for you. Talk to her.”

“Okay…”

Ellone nodded and walked away, smiling to Quistis, before letting them alone. The blonde crossed her arms against her chest as she used to do when she was waiting for an explanation or when she was thinking.

“So?”

Squall sighted. “Come closer…”

Quistis approached. When she reached his side, he made her a sign to sit on the bed, near of him, and she did. Squall took her hand.

“I…I’m terribly sorry for the pain I gave to you. I know Zell’s death hurt you the same way it did to me and…I wasn’t there to comfort you. I wasn’t capable to help myself but…I should have been there for you, as you always had been for me…”

“Squall…”

“I don’t deserve you, Quis…I hurt you so much but you never gave up on me. With my selfishness, I lost everything: my friends, my lover, my family, my job…and even my dignity. Despite of the piece of trash I became after Zell’s death, you had been there…”

“And I will be there forever. There’s no way I would abandon you. I love you…”

“I love you too…even if I didn’t show it to you as much as I should have done…I don’t want you believe you weren’t important for me. On the contrary. I was just…scared…”

“About what?”

“To lose you. To destroy you the same way I destroyed Zell’s happiness.” Squall put his head on her shoulder. “I wanted to make you run away from me to not hurt you like I hurt Seifer and Zell. I let my anger and my hatred toward Seifer running me down. I never thought even one second about the consequences of my acts…”

“You couldn’t know Seifer would react that badly, Squall…”

“Yes, Quis. I should have known…because Zell told me and I refused to believe him. I thought we couldn’t talk about the same Seifer…but I saw him by myself. He really loved Zell, and he was broken…he needed Zell and I took him away from him. I twisted the knife in his wound, making him feeling guilty. He was already feeling this way. He tried to convince Zell to leave him because he didn’t want to break the bond between us and him. But Zell never listened to him…with my reproaches, I just gave to Seifer a reason to leave, comforting him in his opinions…”

“Wait a minute…how do you know about this? When you say, you saw it yourself, you mean…”

“Ellone sent me in the past. I saw what Seifer said to Zell after we went to visit him at Dollet with Matron…”

Quistis blinked. “Hyne…Squall. Don’t tell me this is why you needed Ellone?”

Squall nodded.

“Squall, Squall…Zell and Seifer are gone. You can’t change the past! Stop living in the denial…no, please…” Quistis began to cry.

Squall pressed his hands on her shoulders. “Quis…I think I can change it.”

“You’re insane…”

“No! I’m not! Ellone sent me two times and Seifer felt my presence. He felt something! I’m sure if I insist again, he would understand and I could go back in time to stop him and…”

“ENOUGH!!” Screamed Quistis. “Why…why did you do that?”

“…because, I wanted to see Zell’s face again. Because I missed him every single day…even for a second, I wanted to be with him…”

“And look what it did to you…I can’t believe Ellone agreed to do that, knowing how fragile you are…”

Squall got annoyed. “Are you listening? I told you Seifer felt my presence! I can change the past!”

“No you can’t!! Ellone already tried to do it, remember??”

“But I can!”

“Stop living in the denial!”

“If you don’t believe in me, just get out!!”

Quistis calmed down, breathing slowly. “Squall, please…I’m doing it for your own good. I’m so worried for you…I don’t wanna see you suffer more than you already do…”

“Quis, it can’t be worse than that. Look around you: Zell’s mother and Matron are dying; we broke up and I can’t make it over whatever I try…how it could be worse? Tell me…”

“Yes, it could…you could die…and if it happens, I won’t be able to support it…”

Squall held her tightly against his chest. “I love you. I love you from all of my heart…and I want to make you happy. I want to live with you, to marry you, to have children with you…I want to share every day of my life with you…but I won’t be able to live happily with you this way, knowing that I took off this right to Zell when I pushed his lover to the suicide. Zell and Seifer had the same desire of happiness and asked nothing to anybody. But I destroyed them with my hatred…but if I have a chance, just a single chance to change the past, I wanna try it.”

For the first time since Zell’s death, Quistis could see another feeling than pain in Squall’s eyes: hope. She didn’t believe in it at all, but a part of her wanted, even just for a short time to hope.

Ellone came back at this moment. She stayed away, back to the door, without knowing if it wasn’t too soon to return. She just waited. Quistis looked at her, then at Squall before finally agreeing.

“I…believe in you. If somebody can do it, it’s definitely you.”

“Thank you, Quis.” He kissed her passionately. The blonde closed her eyes, enjoying the taste of this kiss that she almost forgot after had broken with Squall. She covered his shoulders with her slender arms, hugging him tightly. They broke the kiss after few minutes, keeping their forehead pressed against each other.

“If I do it…I promise I’ll marry you.”

She smiled crying. “If you succeed…you would forget it anyway…”

“Oh no, Quisty. I won’t forget this.” He kissed her cheek a last time and made a sign to Ellone. “Sis, I’m ready.”

Ellone joined them. Quistis kept her eyes on Squall before giving a quick glance to Ellone, nodding.

“Okay. I’ll try to let you a bit longer this time…but I can’t promise I will succeed.”

“Do your best, sis.”

Ellone crossed her hands and Squall collapsed on Quistis’s arms.

 

 

_Squall went back to the same place, but this time, he wasn’t alone with Seifer. He was with Ellone and Laguna. So, he understood he was reliving the meeting with Seifer._

_"Squall? What’s wrong?” asked Laguna._

_The brunette didn’t reply and started to go to the car. Laguna and Ellone followed him, perplexed. When they arrived near of the car, they saw a tall blond man on his knees. He was cutting something on the ground with his gunblade. He didn’t see them coming but when he heard someone clear his throat, he turned around._

_“Seifer.”_

_“Squall.”_

_The two men fixed each other during a long time when Seifer returned to his work._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“Hunting.”_

_Squall was fixing his own reflection with disgust. **“Just shut your fucking mouth…”** he said to himself. The other Squall and Seifer frowned, hearing another voice. Seifer recognized Squall’s voice and thought he just insulted him…even if he didn’t understand why he told him to shut up when he even didn’t pronounce a single word. The scene continued._

_“I suppose you’re proud of you, do you?”_

_“I don’t know what you are talking about.”_

_“Zell.”_

_Seifer froze. He tried to fake as if he didn’t hear anything but Squall could read his embarrassment. He was angry against him._

_The other Squall went to his reflection and punched his back with his vaporous body. **“Just shut the fuck up, bastard!!”**_

_The brunette practically fell on the ground, disoriented. He turned around to look behind him but saw nothing. Laguna and Ellone were wondering what was wrong with him. But it was Seifer who was the most surprised. He was the one with Squall who heard the voice. He also felt they weren’t alone…but he couldn’t understand._

_“Did you hear it too?” asked Seifer._

_“What the hell? Something…something hit my back…but…”_

_“I heard a voice and felt something too but there’s nothing…”_

_Squall shook his head and returned to his point. “Anyway…you managed to corrupt him. You did a good job. He even doesn’t talk to his mother anymore…”_

_“I did nothing.”_

_“Of course! You’re innocent. You never did anything wrong in your whole life, Seifer!”_

_“I didn’t say that.”_

**_“I told you to shut up! Fucking bastard! It’s not your business!!”_ **

_Squall looked everywhere around him. Seifer did the same. Laguna and Ellone were completely lost and didn’t understand why the two men were reacting this way._

_“What’s wrong with you two?” asked Laguna._

_“Don’t you hear it?” replied Seifer._

_“What?”_

_“The voice…it sounds like…Squall’s voice but…”_

_“I’m in front of you, idiot! Maybe you just wanna hear what you want?” said with irony Squall._

**_“Don’t listen to him, Seifer. You’re not crazy. It’s me, Squall. I’m talking to you…”_ **

_Seifer looked more and more panicked. “What the hell is going on???”_

_“What? You’re gonna wimping again as you did in the workshop? What was that comedy the last time with Matron?” Squall didn’t seem to hear or feel anything anymore, contrary to the tall blonde._

_Seifer gasped when he heard the word “matron”. He tried to contain his disgust but it was difficult. He took the rest of the monster he had killed in the car and began to leave._

_“Where are you going?”_

_“Leave me alone.”_

_“You’re gonna go back to Zell and beg for his help, as the last time?”_

_“Let.Me.Go.” repeated Seifer. Squall was blocking his way._

_“Fucking bastard! What did you say to Zell to convince him to turn his back to us?”_

_Laguna tried to calm his son grabbing his arm but he released himself from his grip. Squall went between himself and Seifer. “ **Leave him alone. You have done enough bad around you…”**_

Seifer continued to move away. He was completely lost. There was just one Squall in front of him, but he clearly heard two versions of his voice. And it said two different things; One was blaming him when the other one was defending him.

_“Tell me, Almasy! I suppose it was easy since Zell was a real vegetable after having left Balamb! What did you say, huh?”_

_“No..nothing.”_

_“Liar! He hates us since you’re going out with him!”_

_Squall pushed his reflection with strength even if he was still a ghost. **“Fuck you and leave him alone!”** he turned around and faced Seifer. **“I’m begging you, Seifer: Don’t listen to him. I know you love Zell. If you leave him, he would never be happy again. Please…”**_

_“What the hell is this??? What you’re saying has no sense at all! One minute, you’re nice and the second after you’re a jerk!”_

_“What??You’re crazy!”_

**_“No Seifer! You’re not crazy! Just focus on my voice and don’t listen to him.”_ **

_“BUT YOU’RE THE SAME PERSON!” screamed Seifer disoriented. “Am I the only one who can hear you??”_

**_“Yes. Please, ignore the Squall in front of you. Just listen to me. I want to help you. I know the feelings you have for Zell. I know you’re sincere.”_ **

_Seifer shook his head vigorously. “Get out, get out of my head!!”_

_The others looked at him more and more confused. Squall moved closer. “You’re fooling no one here, Seifer. Don’t waste your time. If you kept some dignity, just leave Zell and let him be happy.”_

_“You...you made him hate you when you didn’t accept his choice.”_

_“What choice? You??”_

_“I’ve nothing to justify to you. Get out of my way.”_

_“Haven’t you done enough? You needed to destroy Zell too?”_

**_“SHUT UP!”_ **

_Seifer became furious and pushed him away violently. “Is it so unbelievable that I can love him?”_

_“The same way you loved Rinoa, maybe? I saw what happened to the people you love, Seifer, I don’t want to see Zell end like this!!”_

**_“ENOUGH! FUCK YOU AND YOUR JUDGMENT! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW? YOU’RE BREAKING ZELL’S HEART!!”_ **

_The tall blond raised his fist to punch him but stopped, changing his mind. He didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. Squall’s hatred had more impact on him that what the other Squall was yelling, despite of his efforts._

**_“SEIFER! PLEASE! DON’T LET HIM BRAINWASHING YOU!”_ **

_“What? Afraid Almasy?”_

_“Go back to your own business Leonhart. I don’t give a shit about what you think about me.”_

_“What a wimp you became! Look at yourself! I thought at the beginning you faked when I saw you the last time, but I realize I was wrong. You’re pitiful!”_

**_“SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”_ **

_“Squall! That’s enough! Let’s go now!” said Laguna irritated._

_The brunette continued to ignore his father. “Zell deserves better than you. Don’t you understand he only stays with you because he pities you? You’re a fucking failure, a traitor and a murderer! You’re incapable to love anyone! The only thing you can do right is to destroy! Zell is blind but I won’t let him ruin his life with a fucking son of bitch like you!!”_

_Squall never let the time to Seifer to punch the other one like it happened in the past. It was now or never. If he couldn’t change things right now, Seifer would leave Zell and would commit suicide later. He ran toward the other Squall and roared like a beast._

**_“DAMN YOU! I WILL NEVER LET YOU RUIN ZELL’S LIFE AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!!!”_ ** _Then, he jumped on the other Squall and a bright light blinked everyone. Squall struggled. When he opened his eyes, he was still on the ground. But he was alone. There was just one Squall._

_“Squall?? What happened? You…you suddenly fell on the ground and…” asked Laguna. Ellone was by his side. Seifer was just behind them, frowning with a shocked expression on his face._

“Where…where is he??” demanded Squall.

“Who?”

“The other one…I mean, me…”

Laguna, Ellone and Seifer looked each other troubled. His father touched his head. “I think you knocked your head falling…”

Then, Squall pushed his hand away, looking around him. He realized his father and Ellone were talking to him and saw him, as Seifer.

“Oh! You’re seeing me??”

“Squall…what the hell is wrong with you??” demanded Ellone.

But he ignored her, running toward Seifer. He grabbed his arms and shook his body. “Please! Don’t listen to him! Don’t break up with Zell! He needs you and he won’t survive if you leave…please, Seifer! Please…”

Seifer had no words to describe his surprise. Squall was a complete different person. “What do you expect from me? You just said you wanted I leave him and now you’re telling me to not break up with him??? “

“He said that! Not me!! I mean…not the one I am now. Just stay focused on me and everything will be alright…”

Seifer took Squall arms pressed on his arms. “Okay…what the fucking hell are you talking about??? There’s no one here except us, Leonhart! Look around you!!” screamed Seifer.

“I know it’s strange but…” Squall made a pause and shook his head on every direction. “Oh God…wait a minute…don’t tell me I…I…did it?”

The tall blonde frowned and turned his attention on Laguna who was confused as much as Seifer and Ellone were.

“What day is it today???” asked Squall.

“What?”

“What day it is??”

Seifer showed him his watch with the hour and the date. Squall grabbed his wrist and looked closer. He needed a long time to understand when and where he was. He was back in time, several months ago. “I…I did it…I changed the past…”

Seifer pushed him away softly, talking to Laguna. “You should bring him to see a doctor. I don’t think he’s sane…” But Squall jumped in his arms, hugging him tightly. “Whoa!! What’s wrong with you now? Get your hands out of me!!”

But Squall continued to hug him. He buried his face on his neck, crying. “I…did it…”

“Squall???” called Laguna.

Seifer didn’t know what to do. A part of him was on his guards, ready to fight, but another one kept saying him to not push Squall away. There was something different in him and he never had been that close of Squall in his whole life.

“Okay…Squall. I don’t know what’s the problem with you, but…could you let me go, please?” asked Seifer gently.

“I won’t fuck up this time! I promise. I know you love Zell. I won’t interfere anymore, I promise!” kept saying again and again Squall. He still didn’t release Seifer.

“Stop crying already…it’s alright…”

“You won’t leave him, right? You won’t break up with him??” asked Squall to Seifer moving away just enough to see his face.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me with him?”

“All I said was bullshit! Forget it! Just forget it! I’m happy for the both of you. I just want Zell’s happiness and I know he found it with you. Please! Don’t feel guilty to love him anymore. You also deserve happiness, Seifer.”

“Squall…I…”

“The war is over. Don’t blame yourself anymore please. Just allow yourself to be happy. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to Zell’s mother. She will understand. Just don’t break up with him. I know you think acting for his good, but he needs you…the same way you need him. Please…” Squall was exhausted with all the emotions. He fell on his knees but since he was still in Seifer’s arms, the tall blonde took him before he reached the ground.

“Are you alright?” demanded Seifer, worried.

Laguna and Ellone moved closer.

“Yes…I’m fine. It’s just…the shock and all.”

“You need to rest a bit.” He enrolled Squall’s arms around his shoulder and carried him to his car. He made him sit and grabbed a bottle of water on the trunk. “Drink.”

“Thanks…” Squall drank some gulps. Seifer touched his forehead to check the temperature of his body.

“You don’t seem to have fever but you should see a doctor.” He fixed Laguna and Ellone who agreed with him. “I’m gonna bring you to Winhill. It’s the nearest city.”

“No…bring me to Dollet.”

“Why?”

“To see Zell. I need to see him…please.”

“Squall, Seifer is right. You’re not good at all. We could visit Zell later. Let’s see a doctor first and…”

“No!” He grabbed Seifer‘s elbows again. “I’m begging you. Bring me to your home, or to the workshop. I need to see him. I promise I won’t argue with him. I just want to apologize and to see his face again…I missed him so much…”

Seifer seemed to be hesitant. It wasn’t the problem to let Squall see Zell which bothered him but the fact Squall wasn’t in his normal state and it wasn’t a good thing to let him stay like this.

“Okay, listen: I’ll bring you to Dollet and you’ll see a doctor, there. Sounds good for you?”

“Yes! Thank you! Thank you so much…”

“Go to sit on the back of the car to rest. The road is long.”

Squall obeyed and sat with Ellone on the back. Laguna helped him and his son took this opportunity to tell him something.

“I’m happy for you and Rinoa. Don’t worry, it doesn’t bother me.” Whispered Squall.

Laguna blinked in shock, becoming completely red. “Squall! It’s not what you…”

But his son put his finger on his lips to shut him up. “It’s okay…I told you I’m fine with this. I wish you the best with her. I’m happy with Quistis so, don’t feel guilty for this, okay?”

“But…”

Seifer bucked his belt. “Get in the car, please. The weather changes quickly here…”

 

Laguna nodded and went on the passenger side of the car with Seifer. They left Winhill area. On the road, nobody talked. Despite of his tiredness, Squall refused to fall asleep, fearing to be sent back in the terrible future he knew. But he couldn’t resist anymore and fainted exhausted. Seifer, Laguna and Ellone brought him to Zell and Seifer’s apartment and called a doctor. They also contacted the rest of the gang and Rinoa who joined them at Dollet. Late, on the afternoon, Squall was still asleep. The group arrived at their home and stayed for the dinner. The atmosphere was a bit tense because Seifer and Zell weren’t at ease to be with them, after what happened the last time. But everyone was polite toward each other. Seifer, Laguna and Ellone had explained what happened earlier with Squall to the others. The doctor said Squall was just suffering from a lack of sleep and made an anxiety attack, but he was fine, so everybody was reassured. They just needed to wait for his wake up.

 

The group was playing cards, when Seifer went to the balcony to smoke. Zell joined him outside, closing the bay window behind him.

“Seif?”

“Yes?”

Zell grimaced with disgust because of the scent. “I thought you quitted smoking?”

“I quitted.”

The blonde rolled his eyes. “It’s not really what I call “quit”…”

“I just smoke when I’m nervous…”

Zell enrolled his arms around Seifer’s waist. “You’re nervous?”

“Yes…if you had seen Squall earlier, you would be troubled either.”

“I can guess…it’s so unlike him…”

“Yeah…”

Zell deposed a kiss on his shoulder. “But if he meant what he said to you, I’m glad…”

“What part? The one when he said I was a failure and a murderer or the other one when he became crazy?”

“You’re not funny at all…”

“I’m not trying to be.”

The martial artist hugged his lover tightly. “I love you. Whatever would happen when he will wake up, promise me to not leave, please?”

“For Hyne’s sake, Zell, not you too!”

“I don’t know what I would become if you weren’t by my side. I’m just scared…”

Seifer turned around and grabbed Zell’s hips with his strong hands. He caressed his cheek, tracing the lines of his tattoo. “Don’t worry for this, baby. I’ve no intention to leave you.”

“It’s all what I want to hear.” Zell smiled and kissed his lover tenderly, when they were disturbed by Selphie.

“Oh! Sorry to ruin your fun! But Squall woke up! He’s calling Zell!” said the brunette.

The two men nodded and came back inside of the apartment. Squall was on his feet, looking around him and searching for Zell when he finally saw him.

“Squall? I’m here. How are you?” demanded Zell.

“Zell…” murmured Squall. He walked toward him nervously, still uncertain if his friend wasn’t an illusion, but his worries vanished when he touched his cheek. “It’s you…it’s really you…” The tears came to his eyes so quickly that his vision blurred.

Zell moved closer and wiped Squall’s tears with his fingers. “Why are you crying, Squall? Tell me wh…” But Zell was cut in the middle of his sentence when Squall hugged him strongly. “Squall??”

“Zell…my Zell…my precious friend…I missed you so much…” cried Squall. “I was so afraid to see you disappear when I woke up…but you’re real. You’re still there…”

“But…I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Of course I’m here! Where did you think I went??” demanded Zell confused. “Squall, tell me. You worry us…” The martial artist tried to release himself from Squall’s embrace but it was just impossible.

“I missed you so much…every single day I missed your blissful smile...” Squall couldn’t stop crying. Zell was looking the others confused but comforted his friend.

“I’m here, okay? Don’t cry anymore. Please…”

Squall wiped his tears and put his hands on Zell’s cheeks. “Listen: I’m terribly sorry for what I said about Seifer. I know…I know how much you two are in love. I know how much you’re important to him and I promise I’ll never interfere anymore. Never again. I’m so happy for you…”

“Oh, Squall…” smiled Zell.

“Forgive me, Zell. I never had been a good friend for you. I never deserved your friendship…I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t say that, please! It’s not true and…”

“I think…I was jealous of Seifer, because I realized he succeeded where I failed. I should have been there for you after the tragedy of your last mission but you didn’t find me, or any of us. Maybe he was just the one who could help you for this…but I should have tried harder. In the end, I did nothing to help you…”

“No! It’s not true. I didn’t mean what I said when I blamed you the last time.”

“It doesn’t matter.  Now, I’ll be there for you. I’ll support every choice you’ll do…and I’ll never be an obstacle between you and Seifer again. You don’t have to choose between him and us…it was unfair to ask you such a selfish thing…forgive me…”

“Squall…”

The brunette smiled, kissing Zell’s forehead with tenderness, when he fixed his attention on Seifer. He walked toward him.

“Seifer…I know a lot of things happened between us. I…” Squall took a large breath before continuing to speak. “I hated you after the war. I blamed you for everything…but things would have happened the same way with or without you. Trabia Garden would have been destroyed and Adel would have captured Rinoa anyway…forgive me to have been so rude with you…”

Seifer shook his head, defeated. “I’m not that innocent, Squall. Should I remember you what I did to you in D-District Prison? Besides, Adel was locked in her cell. I was the one who gave Rinoa to her…”

“Yes…but Rinoa, as Matron did mistakes. Rinoa was the one who released Adel. Matron killed Winzer Deling with her own hands…” Squall moved closer. “See? Nobody is really innocent either in this war. Even me. I didn’t hesitate to abandon the Garden to save Rinoa. I was ready to kill Matron…”

“But I tortured you…” replied Seifer.

Squall approached again. “Yes…but loving Zell the way you do compensated all your mistakes. I forgave you, so time has come to forgive yourself for this.”

Seifer blushed. He lifted his head and looked the others. Everyone was smiling at him. Zell walked toward him and reached his side. “Why are you…changing your mind so suddenly?”

“Because…” Squall hesitated. He didn’t want tell them the truth but he wanted to be honest with them. “We can say I had an overview on my future and I understood what kind of consequences could have my stubbornness on my friends…I suppose it’s a bit confused for you but…it doesn’t’ matter. I’m sincere, so there’s no need for you to be so defiant. If you two are happy together, I’ll be happy.”

Zell smiled. “It means a lot to us to hear you saying that, Squall…really.”

“I mean it.”

Seifer looked embarrassed but agreed with Zell shyly. “Thanks…”

Selphie jumped with joy. “Let’s celebrate the reunion of the orphanage gang! Now, we’re complete!”

Squall turned around and walked away to Ellone. “Thanks sis…it’s all thanks to you…”

“I…don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“Well, I just finally did what you tried so hard to do previously when you sent me with the others to the past…” he whispered.

“Wh…” But Squall shut her putting his finger on her lips.

“I’ll tell you later. Not today.”

 

The group stayed all the night together, talking and laughing. With the time, Seifer became more comfortable with his new (or former) friends, even if he kept some distance with them, still unsecure about what kind of attitude he should adopt. But a part of him really wanted to accept their friendship. It wasn’t just for Zell he wanted it, but also for himself. He missed them: Selphie’s enthusiasm, the flirting game of Irvine, Rinoa’s innocence or Quistis’s mother side…

 

Since the Garden was on Galbadia continent, everyone came there to sleep. They planned to visit Raine’s grave the next day since they came to Winhill for this reason. At the end of the day, they came to Dollet to visit Seifer and Zell. Laguna had to return to Esthar so he called the Ragnarok. Squall stayed with Ellone. They were on the road with their car to reach Dollet.

“Squall?”

“Yes, sis?”

“You…promised me you would tell me yesterday…” she said shyly.

“Ah…yes.” Squall stopped the car and went out of the road. He breathed calmly. “Okay, I’ll tell you but you have to promise me that you will never say to anyone, especially to Zell. Okay?”

“It sounds serious…”

“It is. Will you?”

“I promise…tell me.”

Squall explained her everything during long minutes. Strangely, he didn’t need to convince her he wasn’t insane or something. She believed him immediately; even if she was wondering how he could have changed the past by himself when she tried desperately to do it more than once before him.

“Squall…you did so much of them…”

“I couldn’t live like this anymore, Sis…life after Zell’s death was just a nightmare without end.”

“I understand…”

Squall took her hand gently. “Do…do you think time will stay like this? I mean…I’m scared to go back to the point where I left…”

“No. I don’t think so. I suppose when you met us, you fought with yourself and you took the place of the former Squall you were at this time. Except you, nobody can remember…so it’s as if you killed the other Squall but you kept the memories from your time…”

“Why do you think I succeeded?”

“I’m not sure but…after Ultimecia’s death, you were the only one who didn’t come back immediately. You experimented Time compression differently, so I suppose it’s related to the fact you would be able to act on the time. Ultimecia probably gave you some of her power when she died, even if Matron received the major part of it as you could see…” guessed Ellone.

“So, you think I could have changed the past because of Ultimecia?”

“I’ve tired but I never did it. You defeated her so she definitely passed you something at her death…probably her ability to act on the time…”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing I care now is the fact Zell and Seifer are alive and safe.”

“You’re right.” She smiled. “So, Uncle Laguna and Rinoa are together?”

“They were at my time. Laguna told me it began just before we went to visit Raine’s grave…so I suppose.”

“And it’s not bothering you?”

“In the past, yes. But after Seifer left Zell, Laguna and Rinoa really took care of Zell and did everything to help him until his death. They did what I should have done…but Zell was too furious against me and he refused to talk or to see me or his mother…so, since I’m happy with Quistis, I don’t know why I should be bothered by their relationship.”

“You changed Squall…”

“Yes…for the best, I hope.”

 

Then, Squall and Ellone continued their road after their conversation and arrived at Dollet two hours later. Zell and Seifer were already at their apartment.

“Hi guys! Come in!” welcomed Zell.

Seifer was in the kitchen, cooking. He just made a sign with his head to say hello.

 “Hi. I hope we don’t disturb you?” asked Squall.

“Not at all. We’re preparing dinner. You stay for it!”

“Seifer?” demanded Squall to his ex-rival to know if he wasn’t bothered by their presence.

“Since you called us this afternoon, I bought enough food for four. Don’t you dare leaving before eating or I’ll kick your ass!” replied Seifer rolling his eyes. “Besides, I had to support the hyperactive one all the day because he was super excited by your visit!”

“Hey!” complained Zell pouting. “I wasn’t like that!”

“Oh yes you were! “ _Squall and Ellone are coming! Squall and Ellone are coming_!” You said this sentence so many times that I could guess the moment when you were about to repeat it again!!” joked Seifer.

“You’re a dick!”

“Usually you don’t complain about this…” smirked Seifer.

Zell became completely red and punched Seifer on the stomach. “Idiot!”

Squall and his sister couldn’t help to laugh seeing the two lovers fighting. They were pretty cute, arguing like children. Seeing his friends this way made Squall realize how much he cared about them…and how much he missed them.

The four friends enjoyed their dinner, talking all the evening about the last events and about Rinoa’s affair with Laguna. It really surprised Seifer and Zell that Squall took it so lightly. Squall was definitely a different person. Something happened to him for sure, but nobody knew, except Ellone.

At the end of the dinner, Squall proposed his help to Seifer to make the dishes. The other man accepted. Ellone and Zell were talking on the balcony.

“So? How are things with Zell?”

“Fine…He called his mother this afternoon and she said you talked to her.”

“Yes. I know she missed Zell the same way he misses her. I hope they’re gonna make it up again…”

Seifer stopped washing the plates and looked at Squall straight in the eyes. “Enough…tell me.”

“What??”

“Tell me what’s wrong with you. This is not you!”

“Seifer, I…”

“I know you better than everyone, Leonhart! This is not you! You’re not the Squall I know and I want you tell me what happened to you to make you change that fast and that drastically! Right now!”

The brunette looked away, embarrassed. He couldn’t foolish Seifer. He knew it. The other man was right: he knew him better than anybody. People around them had been surprised by Squall’s drastic change but Seifer didn’t believe in him. Actually, he believed him, but he knew there was a reason for this sudden change.

“You know I’m stubborn, Squall. I will discover it anyway. You won’t convince me that you changed just like that. Something happened…and I wanna know.”

Squall sighted. “Okay…I’ll tell you but on two conditions.”

“What conditions?”

“First: you won’t say anything to anyone, especially to Zell. Second: you will help me for something.”

“Alright for the first one, but for the second, it depends on the reason why you want my help for.”

“It’s just an advice for something I want to give to Quistis. I need your opinion and Zell’s ability.”

“My opinion?”

“Yes. I never told it to anyone before but…I always liked your style when we were at the Garden, and at the beginning, I copied you…before finding my own style. So, I know you have good tastes.”

Seifer blinked. “Wait, wait, wait…you..copied me at the Garden????”

“Shhhh!! Don’t say that out loud!!”

“Holly Hyne!! The divine commander copied me at the Garden!!! I can’t believe it!!” laughed Seifer.

“Don’t you dare repeat that or I’ll deny it!!”

Seifer laughed harder, holding his stomach. Zell and Ellone heard them and came back.

“What is so funny, guys?” asked Zell.

Seifer was still laughing. “Baby, you won’t believe it! Squall just confessed me that he…”

But the brunette blocked his mouth with his hand to silent him. “Nothing! I said nothing! Whatever he could say later is a lie!!”

Seifer struggled, still mocking Squall. Zell crossed his arms against his chest, a bit worried.

“Squall…don’t tell me you…confessed your feelings to my lover???” demanded Zell, anxious.

“WHAT?????” screamed the two scarred men on the same time.

“But…Seifer said you confessed him, so…”

“No, no, no!!! That’s not what you think, Zell! I’m not in love with him!!”

“Me neither! Are you crazy?? Me with…HIM???” exclaimed Seifer, grimacing. “I’m not that desperate!”

“I could say the same thing about you!”

“Alright, guys! Stop arguing.” Concluded Ellone.

 

At the end of the evening, Squall and Ellone were about to leave Zell and Seifer’s apartment.

“So, you’re still gonna come to Balamb tomorrow?”

“Yes. We’ll take the train in the morning so we’ll be there for lunch.” Replied Zell.

“Okay. See you tomorrow you two.”

“Bye!”

Seifer just waved at them and closed the door when Squall and Ellone left. Zell was smiling happily.

“I can’t wait to see them tomorrow!” he said excited. “Do you think Quistis will like it?”

“Of course.”

Zell approached and hugged him. “I’m so happy…”

“I’m sure your mother really misses you. She will be glad to see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, me too…”

“It’s a good thing you finally talked with her. I didn’t like to see you so depressed because of your quarrel.”

“She apologized when I called her. She said she wanted to meet you, so I hope everything would be fine…”

“If you’re not sure about this, I can stay here…”

“Don’t you even think about this! You promised to come with me!”

“Okay, okay…I just say that in the case of you would feel embarrassed by my presence…”

“You know I’m not. If somebody has a problem with your presence, I don’t give a shit!”

Seifer laughed. He stroked Zell’s hair tenderly. “Good boy!”

“You know…” said Zell seductively unbuttoning Seifer’s shirt slowly. “I can be even better…”

“Oh…really?” teased the other man. “Show me…”

Zell pushed him to make him fall on the sofa behind him and sat on his knees. He finished to open his shirt and began to kiss his neck, playing with his nipples. Seifer moaned softly but staying passive.

“Is it the best you’ve got?”

Then, Zell gripped with strength his arousal with his hand, which made Seifer shivering.

“Whoa!”

“What? You become sensitive, honey…” laughed Zell.

“You don’t know your own strength! I’d like to keep my balls intact please…”

“Oh…did I hurt you?” mocked Zell.

“A bit…”

“Should I check it?”

“Maybe…”

This little game was pretty funny for the both of them. Zell went on his knees and put Seifer’s pants and boxer down to reveal his hard cock.

“I don’t think you are hurt or something, Mister Almasy…”

“Check better…”

“As you wish…” Zell moved his mouth closer and licked the top of the cock with his tongue. “Well, I think you’re right after all…maybe I can take care of this part of your body?”

“Please!”

He nodded and stopped talking to concentrate on his lover’s cock. He swallowed it entirely, sucking it slowly, from the bottom to the top. Even Seifer wondered how he could introduce it completely in his mouth when he was that long and large.

“Zell…let’s move to the bed…” moaned Seifer.

“Wanna stop now?”

“Not really but…wanna do it to you too.” Seifer got up and carried Zell on his shoulder.

“Hey! Put me on the floor! I can walk!”

“Don’t wanna!”

He brought him to the bedroom and threw him on the bed, before jumping on the top of him. He kissed him savagely and stripped completely. He took off Zell’s clothes and pinched the top of his cock.

“You talk about me but…this part needs some attention too…”

“Ouch! It hurts!”

“Poor boy…I’m gonna repay you.” He rolled on his back. “Come above my head.”

“69?”

“Yep!”

Zell accepted it with pleasure and positioned his body at the opposite of Seifer’s. He grabbed Seifer’s cock with his two hands and began to suck it up and down slowly. The other man did the same but used one hand to finger Zell’s hole with it.

“You’re greedy today…” joked Seifer.

Zell moaned still continuing his task when he felt a light slap on his ass. He stopped, turning his head toward his lover. “Hey!”

“Sorry Baby but it was too tempting…”

“What? Slapping me?”

“It’s not like you didn’t like it, right?” asked Seifer slapping his cheeks again.

“Ouch! I thought you wanted to give me a blowjob?”

The tall blond pushed Zell on his back and went on the top of him, kissing his neck slowly before devouring his mouth. The two of them looked each other straight in the eyes. Zell was smiling.

“What?” asked Seifer.

“I’m happy.”

“I can see it…and may I ask you why?”

“Because you make me happy.”

“Sounds a bit cliché Dincht…”

“And also because my friends and my mother accepted our relationship. I mean, if they haven’t done it, you know I would have chosen you anyway. But I’m glad they did it because they will see the real person you are and they will stop to judge you…so I’m happy.”

Seifer just stared at his lover, with a sad look. “Yeah…”

“You don’t look so convinced…”

“Well, to be honest, I’m not. But if it makes you happy, it is all mater.”

“What? You think they won’t accept you?”

“I don’t need it anyway.”

“??”

Seifer kissed him before putting his hands on Zell’s hips. “I’ve got you already, so I don’t need anybody else.”

Zell smiled relieved. “That’s a good answer. So? What now?”

Seifer spread his legs widely and put one of his on his shoulder. “Well, you’re pretty loosened up here, so I don’t think you need any other preparation…”

“And you call me “impatient”…”

 

The two men made love during all the night, before falling asleep in each other arms. The situation between Zell, his mother and his friends, seemed to get better which giving happiness to the little blonde. Even if Seifer wasn’t completely at ease knowing he would meet Zell’s mother, he didn’t want to disappoint his lover, after all what he did for him. Being near of the Garden wasn’t something pleasant either, for the both of them. But they couldn’t run away for the rest of their lives. Seifer paid enough for his mistakes, the same way Zell did for his own. Time had come to forgive themselves.

* * *

 

The next day, Zell and Seifer took the first train for Balamb. During the entire road, Seifer was a bit nervous to be recognized so he kept his head down until their arrival. They arrived for the lunch time. At the beginning, Miss Dincht was uncomfortable the same way Seifer was, but the two of them tried to fake it for Zell. They stayed polite to each other.

 

At the end of the lunch.

“Ok…I’m full! I won’t eat for the rest of the day.” Said Zell, rubbing his stomach.

“Liar. You’re gonna jump on the first slice of pizza or the first hotdog you’ll see.” Laughed Seifer.

“I don’t eat that much!”

“But you’re greedy.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you’re!”

Zell looked at his mother to have some support. “Ma?”

She looked embarrassed. “You know I’m always the first one to defend you but I have to agree…you’re greedy.”

“Great! Two against one!” complained Zell. He was about to talk again when his phone rang.”Oh! I think it’s Squall. He said he would call me after the lunch.”

Zell got up and took the call. Miss Dincht went on the kitchen to make the dishes. Seifer joined her with the rest of plates.

“Can I help you for the dishes?” he proposed.

“Don’t worry, I can deal it alone…” replied Zell’s mother.

But Seifer stayed with her in the kitchen. He wanted to clear the air with her. “You don’t have to fake it, Miss Dincht. I know you don’t like me.”

She stopped washing the plates but kept her back on him. Seifer continued his explanation.

“I won’t try to convince you saying that I’m a good man or anything like that. You know my reputation as everyone in this town…and probably in this world. Besides, you should know that I was your son’s bully when we were at the Garden and that I fought him during the War. I can’t change what I am…and I don’t ask you to accept me, or to forgive me. I can’t forgive myself either…”

He took some of the plates on the sink and washed it, helping Miss Dincht, even if she refused his help.

“I just wanted to tell you that…I really love Zell and I’ve no intention to hurt him. His happiness is all what matters for me and I’ll do anything to give it to him. I’ll take care of him, so you don’t have to be scared.”

“I know…Squall told me the same thing.” She put her hand on his, grabbing the plate he was washing. “When Zell left Balamb, he was so depressed. I didn’t know what to do. I felt useless…then, he met you and everything changed. It’s true that…I’m worried because of your reputation and all, and because of your common past with Zell…but to tell you the truth…I think I was jealous.”

“Jealous??”

“I was jealous of you, Seifer. It’s Squall who made me realize it. He felt the same way about you, that’s why we didn’t accept your relationship with Zell. You…you succeeded where we failed. You managed to give him happiness and confidence despite the fact you were his nemesis, when we failed to comfort him being his family and his closest friends. It was something hard to accept…but I see how much you love him, so…I understand. Thanks to you, the Nautilus became a famous place and my son is happy. I ask nothing else…”

“I did nothing…it’s Zell who helped me.”

“Yes you helped him, Seifer. You gave him a reason to believe in himself, giving support and love. You gave him the opportunity to explain his pains and his feelings with his friends. I didn’t forget what happened during the war and all…but I think you paid enough for your mistakes and…what you did for Zell loving him and helping him, erased all the bad things you could have done. So…let’s be friends.”

“You don’t have to force yourself…”

“I’m not…but I promise I’ll hate you if you hurt him. Understood?”

Seifer looked at her, a bit surprised by her threatening look. “Fine.”

“Good!” The woman smiled again and returned to the dishes. “You know…it’s not my business, but you should talk with Edea.”

Seifer froze immediately when he heard the name “Edea”. He contained himself to not vomit.

“I don’t know what she did to you, but I saw her the last time. She misses you…”

“Did…did she tell you anything else?”

“Not really but I’m a mother and I can understand what she can feel. You stayed her son even if she wasn’t your biological mother…she kept a strong bond with you, so don’t break it…”

“She already broke it…when she dragged me in this mess…” said bitterly Seifer.

“But if you followed her, that meant she was important to you, right?”

Seifer sighted. “Yes…”

“So forgive her. Zell forgave you despite it sounded impossible before. I can tell you she really suffers of your absence.”

“She hurt me too much, Miss…I couldn’t face her after all what she did to me.”

“I don’t know anything about she could have done to you, but nothing is unforgivable. It depends on you…”

Seifer thought about these words: “Nothing is unforgivable”. In theory, that was true but in the real life, it sounded pretty hard to pretend as if nothing happened with Matron.

“I’ll think about this. Thanks for the advice.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

Zell came back few minutes later. “Squall is coming.”

“Is he coming alone?”

“Yes. He said he had something important to ask to us.” Zell deposed his cell phone on the table. “I’m not sure but I think it’s related to Quistis.”

“Trepe? Why?”

“Dunno…”

Actually, Squall arrived an hour later at Zell’s home. He came alone as promised and seemed to be in a good mood.

“Hi guys!”

“Yo Squall! What’s up?”

“Hi.” Replied politely Seifer.

“I’m fine. I hope I don’t disturb you?”

“Not at all, don’t worry, but I’m curious. What did you want to ask us?” demanded Zell without wasting anytime.

Squall entered in the home and sat around the table with Zell and Seifer. Miss DIncht brought them coffee and little cakes before returning in her kitchen to finish her chores.

“So?”

“Well…it’s something personal I’d like to ask you…” Squall blushed but finally confessed what his request was: “I…I planned to marry Quistis.”

“WHAT????” blinked Zell.

Even Seifer seemed to be surprised but kept his calm.

“Yes…I promised to myself and to her that I would do it if I succeeded. Now I want to hold my promise.”

“Hyne…I would never have imagined you were this kind of guys, Squall…”

“What does it mean? Are you implying that I can’t be a gentleman, Zell?”

“I would say an “iceman”…” said softly Seifer laughing.

“What did you say, Seifer???” asked Squall annoyed.

“Nothing! He said nothing!” Zell silented his boyfriend covering his mouth with his hand. “Well, it’s wonderful! I’m glad for you!! So the jewel you talked about the last time was the ring, right?”

Squall found his cool again. “Thanks. Yes. I want a good one for her…”

“But what do you expect from us?” demanded Seifer.

“Hum…I’d like some advice about the ring. I know you have good tastes, Seifer…and I thought maybe Zell could do it for me?”

“What? You ask me to make your ring??”

“Well, you did a good job for Rinoa when you made a copy of Griever’s ring…and it’s important to me to know that you did it.”

“Really??”

“Yes. Would you do it for me?”

“Of course I will! I’m so glad you asked me this!!” jumped with joy Zell.

“Great! Thanks…”

“What kind of ring would you like? Should I make the wedding rings too?”

“Yes please. I trust Seifer for this. You’re free to do whatever you want.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes. Your price will be mine and feel free to take all the time you need.”

Zell and Seifer looked each other, a bit disoriented by Squall’s request but agreed. “When did you plan to make your demand?”

“I’d like to do it in two months. But if it is too short, I can wait…”

“No, it’s fine. It would be ready even before. I’ll call you when we would finish and we’ll show you first, alright?”

“Ok. Thanks for your help.”

“You’re welcome. It’s an honor for us to do this for you, don’t you Seifer?”

“Yes, an honor…” confirmed Seifer sarcastically which bothered Zell who kicked him in the leg with his foot.

Squall didn’t mind about Seifer’s attitude. He was so happy that nothing could break his joy. Besides, he knew Seifer was just playing his usual role. If he could make Zell happy, nothing else mattered.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later.

Zell and Seifer finished making the rings for Squall. They called him and he went to visit them at the end of the morning at Dollet at the Nautilus. But when Squall arrived, he only found Seifer in the shop.

“Hi Seifer.”

“Hi. I thought you would arrive later.”

“The Garden is at Timber so I rented a car to come. Where is Zell?”

“Left to buy something for the lunch. I don’t think he would be long.”

“I see. So? How are you?”

Seifer stared at Squall with insistence. There was something he needed to know and he was determined to discover it.

“Since Zell isn’t here, I’d like to talk with you about something.”

“Yes?”

“You.”

Squall frowned.” What?”

“I want to talk about your sudden change of attitude toward me. Something happened which made you changed and I want to know.”

The tall brunette had been caught by Seifer. He should have known that the other man was still on his guards and would be suspicious.

“There’s nothing…I’m just happy for Zell and…”

“Bullshit, Leonhart! You and I know each other better than anyone and I can tell when you’re lying. This is exactly what you’re doing right now.”

“Why can’t you believe that I could be sincere?”

“I’ve never said you weren’t. I said there’s something which made you change. That’s different.”

“Yes, I grew up! Happy?”

Seifer kept his eyes on him, crossing his arms against his chest. “There’s more.”

Squall didn’t reply. He didn’t know if he should tell him. He wasn’t sure that everything would stay this way, that he was definitively back in the past and that he wouldn’t go back in a time where he was desperate…

“That’s true you grew up. I’ve some difficulties to recognize the cold Squall I used to know…and I must admit that you changed for the best. But I don’t believe in miracles. People don’t change so suddenly without any reason. You don’t have to tell it to Zell if you don’t want to but you owe me this.”

“Why do you think I owe you this?”

“I don’t know…I just feel it.”

“Wh..What?”

Seifer got up and walked toward the window. “I’m feeling different lately…actually, it started just after you came to the shop with…Matron and the others. I can’t tell you why but I feel there’s something related to you…and that you know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t know…” lied Squall. But the other man insisted.

“I won’t let you go until you say it. You know better than anyone I can be stubborn.”

“Oh yes, I know!”

“Then, tell me…I need to know.”

Squall hesitated. Recalling these events was something painful. He wondered why Seifer felt this way and how he could have guessed there was a reason behind this. That was true that Seifer knew him pretty well, but it wasn’t enough to explain his feelings and his impressions.

“I thought about what you said the last time…about the reason why you wanted to ask Quistis to marry you…you said that you succeeded…”

“And?”

“And…this is what you said when we met near of Winhill with Laguna and Ellone. You repeated several times that you did it…”

“There’s no point with…”

“Yes it is. It was as if you killed the Squall I knew this day…to take his place. I’m not complaining about what you are right now, I prefer you this way. But something happened this day…something you know and that you don’t want to tell me.”

“I’m not sure you really want to hear it, Seifer…”

“But I need to hear it, please…”

Squall understood he wouldn’t give up so he accepted to tell him the truth. That was true, he owed him this. “Alright…”

Then, Squall told everything to Seifer about his departure, his suicide, Zell’s quest to look for him with Rinoa and Laguna, his quarrel with him at the Garden, his depression and his death. He also said to him what happened to Edea, Cid, Miss Dincht and himself after Zell’s death, to finish by the way he managed to go back in the past to change things. During all this time, Seifer didn’t seem to be surprised.

“So…you come from another time, right?”

“Yes. After Zell’s death, life became intolerable. At the beginning, I just asked to Ellone to send me in the past to see Zell because I missed him. But when I understood you could hear me and I could have an impact on the time, I tried and tried again until I succeeded…”

Seifer just stared at him, as if he wanted to check the sincerity of Squall’s words, but he understood after few minutes that he was saying the truth.

“Seifer, listen: I understood a lot of things after your death. We both never had the same chance. Your attitude didn’t help and it’s definitely for this reason that you never got along with anyone, but mine wasn’t better. But despite of my coldness and my selfishness, people always went to me even when I rejected them, contrary to you. You never had the same treatment and I know if I had been at your place, the rest of the gang would have done everything to save me from Ultimecia. But for you, we just gave up. We said you chose your way and we abandoned you. It’s unfair…and I apologize.”

The other man continued to fix him still keeping silent.

“The only thing you have today is Zell and you don’t ask anything else, so I don’t want to take him away from you.” Squall laughed sadly. “I think I was jealous of you. Zell is my best friend but I was incapable to help him…maybe I couldn’t support to see you succeed where I failed? In the past, I always envied you. You had everything what I wanted: the strength, the style, the popularity, Rinoa…I thought it was unfair you got all these things so easily when I had to fight harder to have less. At the Garden, you didn’t need to train to be strong. I trained every day to catch you…People always admired you and when I met Rinoa and she told me you presented her to Cid, I was mad at you. I couldn’t stop saying “You again” and it probably blurred my judgment…even when we thought you have been executed, I was mad at you. People talked about you with melancholy, forgetting your faults and glorifying your courage. It got on my nerves…in the end, I just needed to be the center of the world even if I always pretended the opposite.”

Seifer finally got up and smirked at him with malice. “I always knew it.”

“Wh..at?”

“I understood before yourself what you really wanted. Your coldness was just a way to draw attention on you. People always goes to the unreachable and that was exactly what you were: the lonely guy without string attach, the insensitive soldier…I never believed even for a second that you were like this. It was just a role you played…but I must admit that I would never have imagined you could change so drastically…”

“I missed Zell. I wanted to bring him back to me…but when I saw I just killed him pushing you to the suicide, I couldn’t have supported it.”

“Don’t give you so much credit, Leonhart. You’re not the one who pushed me to this limit.”

Squall guessed it was probably related to his psychological sequelaes with Edea.

“It was because of...Matron, right?”

“Probably but I don’t think it was the only cause. I mean I can’t run away from my guilt and sometimes I think about it. But Zell helps me. He makes me forget it and I stay focused on us…but when I left, I certainly thought it was the better thing to do for him and with the time I couldn’t have supported to be far away from him…”

“Your death really broke him…”

“Yes but it wasn’t what I wanted.”

“I know, Seifer. I don’t have to tell me.”

The blonde looked at his former rival, a bit ashamed. “You know…I really considered Matron as my mother and…I miss her. But after what happened, I can’t…”

“She misses you too. But if it’s too difficult for you to face her, you don’t have to do it…”

“No…I must do it. If I have to come to your wedding, I would meet her this day…and I want to be ready for it. So…maybe I should call her.”

“It would be great.”

“Ok, let’s talk about the ring. We finished it but I want to wait for Zell. He worked very hard on it.”

“It’s so nice of you. How much do you want for it?”

“Nothing.”

“No way! You two took the time to work on this and…”

“You already paid us enough, don’t you think?”

Squall understood immediately what Seifer meant but was still uncomfortable and guilty. “I just corrected my mistakes. I was the one who fucked up at the first place. It’s not like you owed me anything…”

“I won’t take your money, Zell neither, so don’t waste your time.”

Zell arrived just at this time to put an end in this discussion. “Seifer? I’m back.”

“Yo baby! Perfect timing!”

“Oh, Squall! Good to see you!”

“Hi Zell. How are you?”

“Fine, thank you. So? Did you see the rings?”

“No, we were waiting for you.”

“Ok! Let’s show him, Seif.”

The two blondes took two boxes and gave it to Squall. In the first one, there was a golden ring with a beautiful diamond. On the other one, there were two white gold wedding rings.

“Seifer thought white gold would suit you better.” Explained Zell.

Squall observed it a long time which made Zell nervous. Seifer didn’t seem to be anxious because he knew Squall’s tastes pretty well, so he wasn’t worried at all.

“So??” asked Zell.

“It’s…perfect. I’ve nothing to say…”

“Really? You like it? If you don’t, I can do other ones and…”

“No, Zell. It’s really perfect. Thank you so much. I wouldn’t have expected something less better from you…thanks again.”

“Good! I’m so relieved…”

“I told you he would like it.” Replied proudly Seifer.

 

* * *

 

Two months later.

Quistis was working on her office. She had a lot of work to finish, so it was already late on the night when she received a call.

“Hello?”

_“Quis?”_

“Squall? Is there something wrong?”

_“Could you join me at the training center please?”_

“Now?”

_“Yes, please.”_

“Is there a problem??”

_“Just come please. We’ll talk there.”_

“Ok…I’m coming.”

 _“Thanks. I’m waiting for you.”_ Then, Squall hung up the phone.

Quistis took her whip and left her office quickly. She was a bit worried because it wasn’t in Squall’s habits to request her presence so suddenly. She reached the training center ten minutes later and began to look for him.

“Squall?”

But she didn’t find him, so she guessed he was in the secret area. She was right because he was there, back to her, admiring the view of Balamb city under the starry sky.

“Thanks for coming, Quis. I know you’re busy but I couldn’t wait.”

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

“Yes…” Squall turned around and faced her. He was smiling but couldn’t hide his nervousness.

“Squall?”

He started to remove her long glove from the shoulder to the hand before taking her hand with his. He searched in his pocket something and put a ring on her finger.

“About four years ago, you tried to confess me your love. It was here, just after the prom…but I refused to listen to it. I acted like a jerk but…despite of that, you continued to love me unconditionally…so now, I don’t wanna take the risk to ruin our relationship anymore…”

“S…Squall…”

“Quis,I love you, so would you like to marry me?”

She stared at her ring stunned but happy. She burst in tears because of the emotion.

“Yes…yes I do. I wanna marry you, Squall.”

 

End.


End file.
